March 18 -- Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
(( Soundtrack ))
Dear Diary,
I can't think about things with Marius and the Sigil. I can't stop thinking about them, but I can't let myself get lost in them because the dischordance there makes everything else dischordant, and I can't afford how the dischordance makes me feel. I have so much to do now that I'm not...well, stuck in bed. Repairing that relationship is something I'm desperate to do, but I need to let it happen as it happens. Oliver will be speaking with them and that's all I need to know.
Being out and about in Stormwind last night was pleasant enough. I stopped by the office briefly and realized that I'll certainly need to do a bit of work to figure out the things I let behind. Not that I don't think that Wil and Moira have managed the company well in my absence (I'm sure they have), but I need to get caught up myself and take charge again. Especially as I fear that Arubrey is gone. Especially as I fear that this is on my shoulders entirely now.
No matter. It's my company.
Oliver and I finally spoke at length last night about what happened, about how he let me possess him and perform necromancy through him. As I expected, he hates himself for what he did, but we both know that if he had the choice again, he'd do no different. What's more, he seemed as positively affected by it as I was, save for the self-loathing. There was something about the oneness of those moments that I can't deny and don't want to fight. I want to do it again, regardless of the implications it may have.
He talked about not doing more wrong simply because our souls are already condemned (this after I'd reactivated the nerve endings in three of his fingers! If we keep this up, I think I can start restoring feeling to both hands and possibly his face as well), but I've realized that I'm not worried about doing wrong anymore. I feel an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders, as I said several nights ago. Heaven and hell no longer hold sway over me; I know where I'm going and I know that nothing I can do--no amount of good or evil--can change that.
Now I can do things because they're the right thing to do, not because I fear for my immortal soul. Now I feel free from the system of checks and balances, where I must do some ghastly amount of good to repair the damage done by any act of evil. Now the whip's lash holds no power over me.
...this isn't entirely true. I've hurt people, and heaven and hell have nothing to do with that. If bleeding for them would make up for what I've done, I'd do it, but I know it won't. I've still no idea what I did to make Marius so angry with me, so snappish and dismissive. Maybe they resent coming to rescue me? I never asked for that. I never wanted it. I don't understand.
No. I'm not going to think of this now. I've no time to wallow. I'm going to go into the office and find out from Wil and Moira what the status is of everything. Then I shall take my books to sit in front of the Cathedral, on Oliver's bench, and work there because the weather outside is beautiful.
And I will wait for Oliver to speak with Marius and pray that I haven't lost my mentor and father because of my temper.
-S.
(( Log: Senkha and Oliver talk about the moral implications of being damned ))
Dear Diary,
I can't think about things with Marius and the Sigil. I can't stop thinking about them, but I can't let myself get lost in them because the dischordance there makes everything else dischordant, and I can't afford how the dischordance makes me feel. I have so much to do now that I'm not...well, stuck in bed. Repairing that relationship is something I'm desperate to do, but I need to let it happen as it happens. Oliver will be speaking with them and that's all I need to know.
Being out and about in Stormwind last night was pleasant enough. I stopped by the office briefly and realized that I'll certainly need to do a bit of work to figure out the things I let behind. Not that I don't think that Wil and Moira have managed the company well in my absence (I'm sure they have), but I need to get caught up myself and take charge again. Especially as I fear that Arubrey is gone. Especially as I fear that this is on my shoulders entirely now.
No matter. It's my company.
Oliver and I finally spoke at length last night about what happened, about how he let me possess him and perform necromancy through him. As I expected, he hates himself for what he did, but we both know that if he had the choice again, he'd do no different. What's more, he seemed as positively affected by it as I was, save for the self-loathing. There was something about the oneness of those moments that I can't deny and don't want to fight. I want to do it again, regardless of the implications it may have.
He talked about not doing more wrong simply because our souls are already condemned (this after I'd reactivated the nerve endings in three of his fingers! If we keep this up, I think I can start restoring feeling to both hands and possibly his face as well), but I've realized that I'm not worried about doing wrong anymore. I feel an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders, as I said several nights ago. Heaven and hell no longer hold sway over me; I know where I'm going and I know that nothing I can do--no amount of good or evil--can change that.
Now I can do things because they're the right thing to do, not because I fear for my immortal soul. Now I feel free from the system of checks and balances, where I must do some ghastly amount of good to repair the damage done by any act of evil. Now the whip's lash holds no power over me.
...this isn't entirely true. I've hurt people, and heaven and hell have nothing to do with that. If bleeding for them would make up for what I've done, I'd do it, but I know it won't. I've still no idea what I did to make Marius so angry with me, so snappish and dismissive. Maybe they resent coming to rescue me? I never asked for that. I never wanted it. I don't understand.
No. I'm not going to think of this now. I've no time to wallow. I'm going to go into the office and find out from Wil and Moira what the status is of everything. Then I shall take my books to sit in front of the Cathedral, on Oliver's bench, and work there because the weather outside is beautiful.
And I will wait for Oliver to speak with Marius and pray that I haven't lost my mentor and father because of my temper.
-S.
(( Log: Senkha and Oliver talk about the moral implications of being damned ))