March 17 -- Good isn't good enough.
(( hurr durr music durr ))
Dear Diary,
I'm home.
I should be writing that in a happier state, surrounding it with little doodles and wanting to dance in between the lines, but all I feel right now is sick. Sick and frustrated. I may have destroyed one of the most powerful friendships I have and left someone I love largely defenseless, all because of a misunderstanding and my own anger turning into childishness.
Of the good that happened yesterday (besides going home): I met Llew's girl Sid finally, and she's a dear. I'm also a second cousin (again), as it turns out Llew has a daughter who is "sixteen or seventeen, she's not sure which." She's apparently an artist and apparently very mature for her age, so I'm thrilled that she'll be able to spend time with Dizzy. She also won't coddle Dizzy the way that Ziichi and everyone in the Sigil tends to do. Frankly, the time for coddling is over, and Dizzy won't grow that way. She needs to grow up, and while I shan't behave like my mother, I need to be firmer with her, as do the people who are influences in her life.
To the bad.
Last night started rather pleasantly. I was able to get out of bed and was sitting. Apparently someone exploded half the dock or something and the Quel'Talan had to be moved so people could get off and on without having to leap a great chasm over Harbor water. I don't know the extent of what happened, just that whatever villains are twirling their moustaches over blowing up the ramp to a ship (which moves) clearly need to meet a few of the people Oliver and I have dealt with to learn a thing or two about wickedness. Oliver spent most of the day away from me, sulking, as is his custom whenever he does something like what happened now two nights ago. I suppose I should be glad he hasn't tried to kill himself yet.
Here I go again, being bitter.
Llew and Sid were visiting and Ziichi decided to come back and chat. I've had the feeling for a while, Diary, that she's angry with me, though for the life in me, I can't figure out what the cause is. Oh, I have many speculations, of course, but I'm not sure which one is true, or if all of them are. I know she likely resents that her people nearly died to rescue me (something I did not ask of them and would never ask of them), probably believes that I'm mistreating Dizzy by doing the ghastly thing of making her go to school, and likely has a laundry list of complaints that she's been saving up. It's one of those things, you know, where she holds things back and in and doesn't simply say them, and by last night, I think we'd both reached a boiling point.
The Sigil has gotten tangled up with a group called the Delahan Division...some sort of street gang under the influence and funding of a nobleman named Gave Delahan (as an aside: what sort of name is Gave? How confusing must that be at Winter Veil? "I gave Gave a pony for Winter Veil"). They're terrorists, but they're the stupid kind...the kind that do ~evil~ things simply for the sake of being ~evil~. Compared to the real threats in this world, they're children with firecrackers making a loud noise.
The trouble is that they've been trying to kill members of the White Sigil and somehow, they've nearly been succeeding. As I understand it, the ship's been under lockdown orders, which has everyone cranky. Fortunately, as I'm not one of the Sigil, I'm not locked down. Unfortunately, I realized last night that my plans to send in my employees for their assistance and protection aren't enough, at least not for Ziichi, perhaps not for Marius either. No, if my debt of gratitude to them is to be paid in this, I must ensure that the Delahan Division knows who Oliver and I are, knows that we have a daughter who's about as capable of defending herself as a newborn kitten, and knows that they can make victims of us like every other Lightdamned villain on this planet.
I'll be entirely honest: if I believed that they would simply target me, that I could stand between the Sigil and disaster, I would do it. Light knows I would die for half of them, Ziichi and Marius included. They're family. But I cannot put Oliver and Dizzy at risk, and I know Oliver feels the same way (albeit begrudgingly). We can't get involved when Dizzy is at stake. Perhaps that's how I should have put it to get through Ziichi's head: would she like it if the Delahans somehow got their hands on Dizzy?
She'd blame me for that, too, I'd wager.
I've been up all night trying to draft a contract that will pay my Hands triple what they'd usually be paid to keep an eye on the Sigil. The trouble is that I'm not sure how many of them will be tempted by the offer. At their core, my employees are simply mercenaries, scholars, and scavengers, not soldiers. I've no doubt I could pay a few of them to assist, but the majority wouldn't be content to take a guard job, and Marius doesn't want them anyway, something about not doing good for the sake of it being the right thing.
Or maybe that was Ziichi. They blurred together after a while.
And Stehl's involved, too. Light willing I can speak with him today, in person, and make sure that he at least understands, even if it makes him angry.
And then there's me. I feel like, if all else fails, I should go and watch over them myself, see what sort of protection I can afford them. I know I can protect them somewhat, but I can't fight as I used to. I can't leap at anyone any longer and cut them to ribbons. It hurts simply to walk from my bed to the toilet and back. No, it doesn't just hurt. It feels like my leg is breaking all over again. I'm not capable of soldiering, I won't lose my husband to a street gang, I won't allow my daughter to be their victim. The only thing I'm really capable of doing in this situation is
Well. Healing.
...perhaps I can deal with this Delahan person myself, though. A nobleman though he may be, he seems a creature of the underworld, and that is a language I speak. And everyone has their price. If nothing else, perhaps I can buy the Sigil's safety. The only cost I would not pay is my husband and daughter.
My head hurts, as does my heart.
-S.
Dear Diary,
I'm home.
I should be writing that in a happier state, surrounding it with little doodles and wanting to dance in between the lines, but all I feel right now is sick. Sick and frustrated. I may have destroyed one of the most powerful friendships I have and left someone I love largely defenseless, all because of a misunderstanding and my own anger turning into childishness.
Of the good that happened yesterday (besides going home): I met Llew's girl Sid finally, and she's a dear. I'm also a second cousin (again), as it turns out Llew has a daughter who is "sixteen or seventeen, she's not sure which." She's apparently an artist and apparently very mature for her age, so I'm thrilled that she'll be able to spend time with Dizzy. She also won't coddle Dizzy the way that Ziichi and everyone in the Sigil tends to do. Frankly, the time for coddling is over, and Dizzy won't grow that way. She needs to grow up, and while I shan't behave like my mother, I need to be firmer with her, as do the people who are influences in her life.
To the bad.
Last night started rather pleasantly. I was able to get out of bed and was sitting. Apparently someone exploded half the dock or something and the Quel'Talan had to be moved so people could get off and on without having to leap a great chasm over Harbor water. I don't know the extent of what happened, just that whatever villains are twirling their moustaches over blowing up the ramp to a ship (which moves) clearly need to meet a few of the people Oliver and I have dealt with to learn a thing or two about wickedness. Oliver spent most of the day away from me, sulking, as is his custom whenever he does something like what happened now two nights ago. I suppose I should be glad he hasn't tried to kill himself yet.
Here I go again, being bitter.
Llew and Sid were visiting and Ziichi decided to come back and chat. I've had the feeling for a while, Diary, that she's angry with me, though for the life in me, I can't figure out what the cause is. Oh, I have many speculations, of course, but I'm not sure which one is true, or if all of them are. I know she likely resents that her people nearly died to rescue me (something I did not ask of them and would never ask of them), probably believes that I'm mistreating Dizzy by doing the ghastly thing of making her go to school, and likely has a laundry list of complaints that she's been saving up. It's one of those things, you know, where she holds things back and in and doesn't simply say them, and by last night, I think we'd both reached a boiling point.
The Sigil has gotten tangled up with a group called the Delahan Division...some sort of street gang under the influence and funding of a nobleman named Gave Delahan (as an aside: what sort of name is Gave? How confusing must that be at Winter Veil? "I gave Gave a pony for Winter Veil"). They're terrorists, but they're the stupid kind...the kind that do ~evil~ things simply for the sake of being ~evil~. Compared to the real threats in this world, they're children with firecrackers making a loud noise.
The trouble is that they've been trying to kill members of the White Sigil and somehow, they've nearly been succeeding. As I understand it, the ship's been under lockdown orders, which has everyone cranky. Fortunately, as I'm not one of the Sigil, I'm not locked down. Unfortunately, I realized last night that my plans to send in my employees for their assistance and protection aren't enough, at least not for Ziichi, perhaps not for Marius either. No, if my debt of gratitude to them is to be paid in this, I must ensure that the Delahan Division knows who Oliver and I are, knows that we have a daughter who's about as capable of defending herself as a newborn kitten, and knows that they can make victims of us like every other Lightdamned villain on this planet.
I'll be entirely honest: if I believed that they would simply target me, that I could stand between the Sigil and disaster, I would do it. Light knows I would die for half of them, Ziichi and Marius included. They're family. But I cannot put Oliver and Dizzy at risk, and I know Oliver feels the same way (albeit begrudgingly). We can't get involved when Dizzy is at stake. Perhaps that's how I should have put it to get through Ziichi's head: would she like it if the Delahans somehow got their hands on Dizzy?
She'd blame me for that, too, I'd wager.
I've been up all night trying to draft a contract that will pay my Hands triple what they'd usually be paid to keep an eye on the Sigil. The trouble is that I'm not sure how many of them will be tempted by the offer. At their core, my employees are simply mercenaries, scholars, and scavengers, not soldiers. I've no doubt I could pay a few of them to assist, but the majority wouldn't be content to take a guard job, and Marius doesn't want them anyway, something about not doing good for the sake of it being the right thing.
Or maybe that was Ziichi. They blurred together after a while.
And Stehl's involved, too. Light willing I can speak with him today, in person, and make sure that he at least understands, even if it makes him angry.
And then there's me. I feel like, if all else fails, I should go and watch over them myself, see what sort of protection I can afford them. I know I can protect them somewhat, but I can't fight as I used to. I can't leap at anyone any longer and cut them to ribbons. It hurts simply to walk from my bed to the toilet and back. No, it doesn't just hurt. It feels like my leg is breaking all over again. I'm not capable of soldiering, I won't lose my husband to a street gang, I won't allow my daughter to be their victim. The only thing I'm really capable of doing in this situation is
Well. Healing.
...perhaps I can deal with this Delahan person myself, though. A nobleman though he may be, he seems a creature of the underworld, and that is a language I speak. And everyone has their price. If nothing else, perhaps I can buy the Sigil's safety. The only cost I would not pay is my husband and daughter.
My head hurts, as does my heart.
-S.