I wish I didn't suck at life
I don't know if I should be angry or ashamed for how unhappy I make Heather. I love her and I want to make her happy so bad, but it feels like I'm just genetically predisposed to be a failure. Both my father figures are probably really bad influences on me, and plus Heather hasn't been in enough relationships to realize how good I actually am to her. Most guys are rude, arrogant, wreckless, they rape and beat thier girlfriends, they ignore their girlfriends and never speak a word to them at times, some are over-protective and jealous, some are just dicks and so on and so forth. She hasn't had enough bad relationships yet to realize what she does have. Not to say I'm anything near being a good boyfriend or anything, but I do have good intentions and I truely care about her with all my heart. That should be enough to sustain a relationship, but I guess that nothing's good enough for her. She makes me hate myself so bad sometimes when she guilts me for being such a loser that I wonder if I would've just been better off being sent off to Iraq instead of being here. I love her and it feels like she just can't stand me. I feel bad for making her miserable and I'm always sorry for it. I just wish I could make my pain go away too. Cuz I've been too depressed to even carry a conversation with anyone anymore. The only person I can talk to is Heather cuz she's my best friend, but all I do is remind her of how annoying I can get when I get too excited to talk to her, and then I wind up getting off the phone feeling like I was the biggest mistake of her life. I wish things would just be the way I want them to be. I wish I could make her happy. I wish I was good enough for her. I just want to die today. Don't worry about me though. I don't have enough self esteem to think I could even die correctly in a fatal car accident.