Too much time on my hands...
I haven't really felt too compelled to live this weekend. It's been very lonely for me since everyone left. My time is now spent watching the same movies over and over again and/or talking to Heather. This makes her about the only thing worth looking forward to in my life. Everything else seems so temporary. I have probably a thousand+ cd's and dvds and all of them have been over-played. Sometimes I wish my memory would cut short on me just so I could feel a slight rejuvenation everytime I turn the TV on. Aside from that, I sit around playing GTA Liberty City Stories, The Sims, and Tony Hawk Underground on PSP. I've noticed these are all endless opprotunity fantasy type games. None of which ever have to end unless if i should get the sudden whim to turn them off. It bothers me how much I have in common with the things I own. It's more like they own me in a sense. My therapist did mention a couple months ago that I may be living in a fantasy world where nothing is much more than just an illusion to me; all the enemies i think I have, the bad luck with girls I used to ramble about, even the fear I have of failure. In reality, I believe that every passing moment must be another opportunity to turn things around, and even so, it's a perfect time to fall in love. A friend of mine is getting married to a guy she's only known for about a month now, and when I heard this, I wanted to tell her how stupid they both were. But what about it is stupid? Isn't love as real as anything you make it? To tell you the truth, I don't think they'll ever be more ready in thier relationship together to get married than they are now, because from what I've seen, feelings change when their financial and personal status' do. Those are things they'll need the rest of their lives to work out together. Right now, thier feelings are very strong, and the dream they have to get married is still very real and alive. Whether they're together 2 years or 2 days, nothing's gonna matter if what they have proves to be more important to them than what they don't (further down the line I mean). So maybe it's important to hold off on a sudden marriage, not because things might change, but because in time, if they don't, they'll know that what they've been fighting for was completely worth-while. Sex is alot the same, just as any promise you make to another person. When you have sex with somebody, you make a promise to them whether you actually say it or not. To dismiss such a promise by making it out to be some casual act that everyone does out of relationship ritual is like picking out a set of wedding vows to copy and send to every girl you ever take an interest in. After a while, sex means less, and everything else that a couple holds sacred means less too. In essence, love starts to lose shape and when it does, it just becomes a couple poorly written words on the inside of a hallmark card once a year. People stop caring about what's real these days, and it only makes for more consumerism to fill in all the empty voids and put a quick fix to anything that takes them away from thier busy work week. A hallmark card is probably the shittiest reminder that someone's love is less important to them than the rest of thier busy schedule, next to a bouquet of red roses. And a wedding ring delivered at an opportune moment might just be taken the same way. Maybe a young couple in love is better off making such a move before it becomes a hallmark moment.
Sex on the other hand, is still a promise and till it's been overturned by true love, I don't think it'll mean much more than an orgasm and a couple of forward thrusts. Not for the guy at least. My mind is often changed when intoxicated by the sheer thought of fucking. I could hate a girl completely, but if she were to make a sexual advancement on me, I'd almost instantaniously change my thoughts on the type of person i thought she was. So let's say I allowed her to train me with her sexual exploitations all she wanted, I'd probably never let her go till I found someone better, and even then, I'd probably just make room for both of them. And doing something like that for so long, I might only come to assume that 2 years with that person meant it was a good time to get married (hallmark moments) so on and so forth. That relationship would be as good as dead from the beginning.
With Heather, i have a chance to avoid such a disaster and live to love for all the right reasons. I don't want our feelings to change as they may, but I can't do anything about that. If this love is real, it has so much potential to become something great, and I don't want anything superficial to interfere with it. If we're together long enough, we're gonna be having sex regardless, in fact, nothing could stop us from doing it in any time soon, but we both made an agreement to make a relationship out of what we felt meant more to us than sex, so if this relationship isn't working and the pieces aren't in thier rightful place, then things can end the way they should. Leaving us both open to search a little deeper for our perfect soulmates. I just fear that I may lose the one I found in time. But I'm happy nonetheless that I can love her with an open mind for all the right reasons.
Sex on the other hand, is still a promise and till it's been overturned by true love, I don't think it'll mean much more than an orgasm and a couple of forward thrusts. Not for the guy at least. My mind is often changed when intoxicated by the sheer thought of fucking. I could hate a girl completely, but if she were to make a sexual advancement on me, I'd almost instantaniously change my thoughts on the type of person i thought she was. So let's say I allowed her to train me with her sexual exploitations all she wanted, I'd probably never let her go till I found someone better, and even then, I'd probably just make room for both of them. And doing something like that for so long, I might only come to assume that 2 years with that person meant it was a good time to get married (hallmark moments) so on and so forth. That relationship would be as good as dead from the beginning.
With Heather, i have a chance to avoid such a disaster and live to love for all the right reasons. I don't want our feelings to change as they may, but I can't do anything about that. If this love is real, it has so much potential to become something great, and I don't want anything superficial to interfere with it. If we're together long enough, we're gonna be having sex regardless, in fact, nothing could stop us from doing it in any time soon, but we both made an agreement to make a relationship out of what we felt meant more to us than sex, so if this relationship isn't working and the pieces aren't in thier rightful place, then things can end the way they should. Leaving us both open to search a little deeper for our perfect soulmates. I just fear that I may lose the one I found in time. But I'm happy nonetheless that I can love her with an open mind for all the right reasons.