I'm a masochist... for falling for you.
I think for as long as I live, I'll never understand him.
How can one person have complete control over your emotions, even after all this time?
It's the only thing in my life that feels completely real, although it's never really existed.
How did I end up back here? I'm smarter than this. My mind knows better. Doesn't it? It should.
I can't even wrap my head around the last.. 36 hours.
Maybe I need to be utterly crushed a 3RD time to be able to completely rid myself of any ounce of hope I've apparently still been holding onto....since for whatever reason the first 2 soul crushing heartaches didn't do it for me.
I cut the rest of the males in my life out.... and all it left was the lingering ache in my heart and I chose to come face to face with it.
There's a pull there, a force so much bigger than me, that just keeps reeling me in.
I just need to get out of here already. It's not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to forget and move on. I'm supposed to find someone else. I'm supposed to find someone who doesn't just tell me they love me, they want to marry me, that I'm the one.... but SHOWS me. And it's supposed to feel this real with someone else, someone who deserves me.
I didn't even tell anyone that this was being reopened. I'm ashamed. I knew what they'd all say.
No one understands. I don't even understand.
As hard as I've tried to move on, find love with someone else... Nothing compares. Nothing's ever even come close. How are you supposed to leave something behind that completely consumes you? I've had some absolutely amazing boyfriends... that would make wonderful husbands.... and in the end that never matters. That's not what makes me happy, as good as it may be for me.
There's that hopeless optimist inside me that keeps holding out for some unattainable fairytale ending. I'm such a pessimist in all other aspects, but this... I have no control over this. I wonder what it's going to take. For me to finally get past this.
He asked me why... My only answer was masochism.
How can one person have complete control over your emotions, even after all this time?
It's the only thing in my life that feels completely real, although it's never really existed.
How did I end up back here? I'm smarter than this. My mind knows better. Doesn't it? It should.
I can't even wrap my head around the last.. 36 hours.
Maybe I need to be utterly crushed a 3RD time to be able to completely rid myself of any ounce of hope I've apparently still been holding onto....since for whatever reason the first 2 soul crushing heartaches didn't do it for me.
I cut the rest of the males in my life out.... and all it left was the lingering ache in my heart and I chose to come face to face with it.
There's a pull there, a force so much bigger than me, that just keeps reeling me in.
I just need to get out of here already. It's not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to forget and move on. I'm supposed to find someone else. I'm supposed to find someone who doesn't just tell me they love me, they want to marry me, that I'm the one.... but SHOWS me. And it's supposed to feel this real with someone else, someone who deserves me.
I didn't even tell anyone that this was being reopened. I'm ashamed. I knew what they'd all say.
No one understands. I don't even understand.
As hard as I've tried to move on, find love with someone else... Nothing compares. Nothing's ever even come close. How are you supposed to leave something behind that completely consumes you? I've had some absolutely amazing boyfriends... that would make wonderful husbands.... and in the end that never matters. That's not what makes me happy, as good as it may be for me.
There's that hopeless optimist inside me that keeps holding out for some unattainable fairytale ending. I'm such a pessimist in all other aspects, but this... I have no control over this. I wonder what it's going to take. For me to finally get past this.
He asked me why... My only answer was masochism.