Ready for my big girl undies but still stuck in pull-ups
Been seriously contemplating moving home.
I've been saying for awhile that I've outgrown Hawaii and that I feel like there's nothing left here for me.
I got the urge the other day, and started looking for jobs in the Vancouver area and one way tickets home.
I just can't decide what to do.
I'm unhappy out here. I don't do anything, my friends have left, graduated, moved on... All I do is work, and spend much of my time alone. I don't mind the solitude, I rather enjoy my own company, but there are times when you just want other humans to be around. It's not like I have no friends out here, I just don't have too many close ones. The ones I do have, are still in school and by that fact, leading much different lives than I am now. All I do is work. Sure it's awesome that I can go to the beach some days for an hour or 2 before work, and of course I will miss that luxury immensely.. but I'd gladly give that up for the company of my loved ones.
I miss my family. I miss my friends.
The only reason I'm still out here is I feel obligated to be. I feel I have obligations to my jobs and to my lease on my apartment. I need to remember that I am REPLACEABLE. People can move on and live without me. My positions and room will be filled.
I love my job out here with the kids. It's one of the best jobs I've ever had. I love my kids and they bring more joy to my life then I ever imagined I'd get from children. But I can't stay here just for them. I shouldn't stay just for that reason.
I live in "paradise." I feel guilty for wanting to leave, because some people never get the chance to experience Hawaii even once, and here I am living in it..and wanting out.
But when you're working 6-7 days a week, it feels like it could be any other city. I wake up, I go to work ,I come home, I sleep, I do it again. I don't and can't appreciate Hawaii for what it is anymore. I've lived here for over 3 years now. I just feel like it's time to move on.
I thought I could deal with living out here until the end of July. I mean, I can. I would survive, I'd be fine. But I'd just be going through the motions to stick to my word. I'd be unhappy.
I miss Vancouver, I miss my wife and the girls. I miss my parents. I miss my nephews and niece and my siblings. I miss my friends. I miss GOOD friends, old friends.
I feel so torn. I know I want to be home. There is no question there.
but.... I'm not sure what's holding me here. Is obligation strong enough to hold me back? Or is there something else, something more?
I was hoping I'd have heard back from grad school by now. So that I could plan my life already. I got one rejection letter on Saturday. I called PAU today to ask when we'd hear back and they said "a few weeks" which is what they told me on Feb 6th. It's been over a month and they're still saying a few weeks? FUCK! I just want to know already, either way so I can figure my life out. I'm so over this waiting period.
I think that's why this recent urge is so overwhelmingly strong.
There are just so many possibilities and decisions that are both in my control and completely out of it at the same time.
Hawaii has done so much for me. I am a completely different person than I was when I first came out here. I've grown tremendously from living out here, but I just feel like I've taken all from Hawaii that I could, and there's nothing left.
So why can't I just pack up and leave? How can I be so hesitant to leave, when I'm so sure I want to go??
I've been saying for awhile that I've outgrown Hawaii and that I feel like there's nothing left here for me.
I got the urge the other day, and started looking for jobs in the Vancouver area and one way tickets home.
I just can't decide what to do.
I'm unhappy out here. I don't do anything, my friends have left, graduated, moved on... All I do is work, and spend much of my time alone. I don't mind the solitude, I rather enjoy my own company, but there are times when you just want other humans to be around. It's not like I have no friends out here, I just don't have too many close ones. The ones I do have, are still in school and by that fact, leading much different lives than I am now. All I do is work. Sure it's awesome that I can go to the beach some days for an hour or 2 before work, and of course I will miss that luxury immensely.. but I'd gladly give that up for the company of my loved ones.
I miss my family. I miss my friends.
The only reason I'm still out here is I feel obligated to be. I feel I have obligations to my jobs and to my lease on my apartment. I need to remember that I am REPLACEABLE. People can move on and live without me. My positions and room will be filled.
I love my job out here with the kids. It's one of the best jobs I've ever had. I love my kids and they bring more joy to my life then I ever imagined I'd get from children. But I can't stay here just for them. I shouldn't stay just for that reason.
I live in "paradise." I feel guilty for wanting to leave, because some people never get the chance to experience Hawaii even once, and here I am living in it..and wanting out.
But when you're working 6-7 days a week, it feels like it could be any other city. I wake up, I go to work ,I come home, I sleep, I do it again. I don't and can't appreciate Hawaii for what it is anymore. I've lived here for over 3 years now. I just feel like it's time to move on.
I thought I could deal with living out here until the end of July. I mean, I can. I would survive, I'd be fine. But I'd just be going through the motions to stick to my word. I'd be unhappy.
I miss Vancouver, I miss my wife and the girls. I miss my parents. I miss my nephews and niece and my siblings. I miss my friends. I miss GOOD friends, old friends.
I feel so torn. I know I want to be home. There is no question there.
but.... I'm not sure what's holding me here. Is obligation strong enough to hold me back? Or is there something else, something more?
I was hoping I'd have heard back from grad school by now. So that I could plan my life already. I got one rejection letter on Saturday. I called PAU today to ask when we'd hear back and they said "a few weeks" which is what they told me on Feb 6th. It's been over a month and they're still saying a few weeks? FUCK! I just want to know already, either way so I can figure my life out. I'm so over this waiting period.
I think that's why this recent urge is so overwhelmingly strong.
There are just so many possibilities and decisions that are both in my control and completely out of it at the same time.
Hawaii has done so much for me. I am a completely different person than I was when I first came out here. I've grown tremendously from living out here, but I just feel like I've taken all from Hawaii that I could, and there's nothing left.
So why can't I just pack up and leave? How can I be so hesitant to leave, when I'm so sure I want to go??