Giving up on greener grasses
In one of my interviews, the woman asked me:
"Some women, find it difficult to complete a program like this, that is grueling and demanding when they have limitations in life, such as family or children. It makes it almost impossible to dedicate the time and energy it takes to be in a graduate program. Do you have any limitations?"
and in my head I'm thinking "WTF!!! She's asking me if I have kids! She's not supposed to do that!!!"
my answer:
"I do not have any limitations in my life that would limit the time, dedication or relocation that grad school requires. I have made an active choice in my life to put my goals for family on hold to pursue my education and career goals. I stand behind that decision."
Her response:
"Good!"
The more I've thought over this exchange, the more I realize what it really means. When I first made the decision to apply for grad school, I knew it was unlikely and not in my plans that I would be able to have kids or really start a family until I completed school. That was back when I just planned on getting my masters and would have been done with school in 2 years. Once I decided to go for my PhD, I decided that I might have to rethink my plans.. since it's a much longer commitment. I was ok with the idea of a few years into grad school, the possibility of family occurring. Once I realized though, that the last year of the your PhD is an internship, one where it is likely to be ANYWHERE around the US or Canada, that for that 5th year.. I'd have to pack up and leave for a year to wherever I get accepted to do an internship. There is no way I'll be able to pack up and uproot a child, a baby, or a husband for just a year in order for me to complete an internship. While I would love to be able to get one in say, Washington or Oregon, it's likely I'll end up in... Missouri, Iowa or New Mexico...as in some obscure place where I've never planned to live and won't plan to stay.
I guess what I'm realizing now, is that by making the decision to go to grad school, to go for my PhD, I'm also actively making the decision to put that family life on hold. I'm making decisions that affect people who don't even exist yet. I'm making the decision that my children will have an older mother, that whoever wants to marry me, will have to be an older father. It's just crazy to think that I'm deciding things for people who I don't even know. I realize that things happen, children are not always planned, there are things that are out of my control.
But assuming things go as planned, it feels overwhelming to make a decision today, that affects the rest of my life, because of the snowball affect those decisions have on my personal and familial life.
I guess what gets me, is how selfish the decision makes me feel. It feels like I'm putting myself first, over these not-yet-in-existence loves of my life. Like I'm choosing me, over them. I can't really even explain it because at this point, I don't even want kids.. I just know that I will. It's that biological clock ticking ever so loudly in my head. And what if I wait, and then.... it's too late? Our bodies aren't made to produce forever. I know at 25 it seems silly to contemplate things like that, but in terms of a woman, our time is fleeting.
I suppose this feeling, the struggle between career and family, being good at my job or being a good mom and wife.. these will last for as long as I try to juggle to two. And even if I choose one over the other, the choice, no matter how happy it makes me, the other side will haunt me. It feels cliche to ponder "career woman vs. motherhood" because it's not 1950, it's 2010.
But I suppose as far as we've come, we haven't come far at all.
"Some women, find it difficult to complete a program like this, that is grueling and demanding when they have limitations in life, such as family or children. It makes it almost impossible to dedicate the time and energy it takes to be in a graduate program. Do you have any limitations?"
and in my head I'm thinking "WTF!!! She's asking me if I have kids! She's not supposed to do that!!!"
my answer:
"I do not have any limitations in my life that would limit the time, dedication or relocation that grad school requires. I have made an active choice in my life to put my goals for family on hold to pursue my education and career goals. I stand behind that decision."
Her response:
"Good!"
The more I've thought over this exchange, the more I realize what it really means. When I first made the decision to apply for grad school, I knew it was unlikely and not in my plans that I would be able to have kids or really start a family until I completed school. That was back when I just planned on getting my masters and would have been done with school in 2 years. Once I decided to go for my PhD, I decided that I might have to rethink my plans.. since it's a much longer commitment. I was ok with the idea of a few years into grad school, the possibility of family occurring. Once I realized though, that the last year of the your PhD is an internship, one where it is likely to be ANYWHERE around the US or Canada, that for that 5th year.. I'd have to pack up and leave for a year to wherever I get accepted to do an internship. There is no way I'll be able to pack up and uproot a child, a baby, or a husband for just a year in order for me to complete an internship. While I would love to be able to get one in say, Washington or Oregon, it's likely I'll end up in... Missouri, Iowa or New Mexico...as in some obscure place where I've never planned to live and won't plan to stay.
I guess what I'm realizing now, is that by making the decision to go to grad school, to go for my PhD, I'm also actively making the decision to put that family life on hold. I'm making decisions that affect people who don't even exist yet. I'm making the decision that my children will have an older mother, that whoever wants to marry me, will have to be an older father. It's just crazy to think that I'm deciding things for people who I don't even know. I realize that things happen, children are not always planned, there are things that are out of my control.
But assuming things go as planned, it feels overwhelming to make a decision today, that affects the rest of my life, because of the snowball affect those decisions have on my personal and familial life.
I guess what gets me, is how selfish the decision makes me feel. It feels like I'm putting myself first, over these not-yet-in-existence loves of my life. Like I'm choosing me, over them. I can't really even explain it because at this point, I don't even want kids.. I just know that I will. It's that biological clock ticking ever so loudly in my head. And what if I wait, and then.... it's too late? Our bodies aren't made to produce forever. I know at 25 it seems silly to contemplate things like that, but in terms of a woman, our time is fleeting.
I suppose this feeling, the struggle between career and family, being good at my job or being a good mom and wife.. these will last for as long as I try to juggle to two. And even if I choose one over the other, the choice, no matter how happy it makes me, the other side will haunt me. It feels cliche to ponder "career woman vs. motherhood" because it's not 1950, it's 2010.
But I suppose as far as we've come, we haven't come far at all.