A fish out of water
Today I had one of the most brutal experiences of my life to date. Whilst I thought I'd have to avoid this scenario whilst my parents are away, I was greatly mistaken. The inevitable happened, and i was forced to
CLEAN MY FISHES TANK OUT!
I've seen my dad doing this before. It looks hard. Harder than changing a nappy or washing a dog. Fish suck. It has led to me being here now, dead, chain-smoking and not even laughing on reflection.
This is Greg's step-by-step guide to the awful task, written today judging on the way it was carried out.
> Step 1 - Remove fish from tank and put him/her in little sink. My fish is a big fat fucker, for example, and as lethargic as he is for 99% of his life, he has ants in his pants on Cleaning Day. Proves tricky. Try to clean the filter, also filthy dirty, break it. Leave 'til later.
> Step 2 - Siphon the water from the tank. This was the start of things to come. The water in the tank is probably a week and a half old. Have a lapse in concentration until the water goes in your mouth, then spit it out looking shocked that this has happened to you, spitting incessantly. Mmmmm....Fish poo. Salty...
> Step 3 - Wait for water to siphon out into big sink. Doesn't necessarily require you to drop the tube into the little sink the fish was swimming in. I did. Whilst waiting, clean ornaments and wash weed. Went quite successfully, but not as fun as a lecture on the rules of cricket.
> Step 4 - When tank is as empty as possible, carry the ridiculously large tank to the back garden where you can wash it with a hose. The hose is essential for the operation, so when you go outside with a large glass tank, a scrubbing brush and some fairy liquid, and a big fish on its own in a small sink and the connection on the hose is broken, its time to do a happy dance. Try to repair connection with tape - you have none - you find some shit tape - it doesn't work - you soak yourself, inevitably.
> Step 4b - In event of broken hose, or DEFCON 4 as us fish owners call it, you will need a replacement. There's one in the garage. Run it through house into back garden. It isn't quite long enough, so get your aim right. Scrub tank to remove algae and general crap, shoot hose into corner of tank so it creates a fountain that rains down on you. Then, like an idiot, empty excess water onto grass, and flood small patches of your garden. Find the only drain in the garden, which is right next to a wall and about the size of a packet of fags, and nearly smash the tank. Only hit it so many times that it makes a crack in the side though - one of the sorts that could give at any time for further misery.
> Step 5 - Take tank back inside and put it back on counter in kitchen. Because of unexpected hose damage (as described in Step 4) you cannot feed the hose through a window and just let it fill the tank. So, you have to use the back-up hose (4b) which doesn't run far enough to sit in the tank comfortably. Also, and this is imperative, whilst dragging hose through garage and utility room, make sure the end of the hose is loose so you soak everything. Try to get some electrical equipment with your water jet - a bass amp is perfect. Move equipment and drop bass on hard floor.
> Step 6 - Try to be a smart ass when things are obviously not going for you. Try to change the nozzle of the hose to the one outside which is normally used, and is weightier. Don't put it on properly. Soak kitchen. And yourself. Repeat.
> Step 7 - Wash gravel and line the bottom of the tank. Because of the hose problem, you will need to maunally hold the hose in place whilst it fills the tank. This takes between 15 to 20 minutes, where you can't do anything that isn't within the radius of your arms. Also remember that your fish will be running out of oxygen soon, as he/she is, in essence, a big fish in a small pond. Put his stupid little FUCKING boat back in which will not stay where it should.
> Step 8 - After several failed suicide attempts, by both parties involved, the tank is full and you can sort the weed out. Get hold of the flimsiest strip magnet in the world to hold it all together at the base. YOU WILL DO THIS HORRIBLY WRONG. At this point the fish is the dryest object with in a 2 mile radius.
> Step 9 - Aah yes, the filter you broke in Step 1....umm....wing it. It's probably fixed.
> Step 10 - Remember the tap water purifier you were supposed to put in at Step 7. Add it and swirl with hand. The effect is the same, or worse, but you tried, which makes it worse, because you failed, you daft twat!
> Step 11 - Finally, get fish back into tank. You will be feeling some apprehension at this point, and almost certain the fish will die when you put him back, but you don't care at this point and it becomes a morbid intrigue. You have possibly gone temporarily insane due to various trauma suffered. Wipe sides down with a whole roll of Bounty.
If you follow my steps, your fish will survive for at least half an hour while you cry in a corner or document the event, or both.
CLEAN MY FISHES TANK OUT!
I've seen my dad doing this before. It looks hard. Harder than changing a nappy or washing a dog. Fish suck. It has led to me being here now, dead, chain-smoking and not even laughing on reflection.
This is Greg's step-by-step guide to the awful task, written today judging on the way it was carried out.
> Step 1 - Remove fish from tank and put him/her in little sink. My fish is a big fat fucker, for example, and as lethargic as he is for 99% of his life, he has ants in his pants on Cleaning Day. Proves tricky. Try to clean the filter, also filthy dirty, break it. Leave 'til later.
> Step 2 - Siphon the water from the tank. This was the start of things to come. The water in the tank is probably a week and a half old. Have a lapse in concentration until the water goes in your mouth, then spit it out looking shocked that this has happened to you, spitting incessantly. Mmmmm....Fish poo. Salty...
> Step 3 - Wait for water to siphon out into big sink. Doesn't necessarily require you to drop the tube into the little sink the fish was swimming in. I did. Whilst waiting, clean ornaments and wash weed. Went quite successfully, but not as fun as a lecture on the rules of cricket.
> Step 4 - When tank is as empty as possible, carry the ridiculously large tank to the back garden where you can wash it with a hose. The hose is essential for the operation, so when you go outside with a large glass tank, a scrubbing brush and some fairy liquid, and a big fish on its own in a small sink and the connection on the hose is broken, its time to do a happy dance. Try to repair connection with tape - you have none - you find some shit tape - it doesn't work - you soak yourself, inevitably.
> Step 4b - In event of broken hose, or DEFCON 4 as us fish owners call it, you will need a replacement. There's one in the garage. Run it through house into back garden. It isn't quite long enough, so get your aim right. Scrub tank to remove algae and general crap, shoot hose into corner of tank so it creates a fountain that rains down on you. Then, like an idiot, empty excess water onto grass, and flood small patches of your garden. Find the only drain in the garden, which is right next to a wall and about the size of a packet of fags, and nearly smash the tank. Only hit it so many times that it makes a crack in the side though - one of the sorts that could give at any time for further misery.
> Step 5 - Take tank back inside and put it back on counter in kitchen. Because of unexpected hose damage (as described in Step 4) you cannot feed the hose through a window and just let it fill the tank. So, you have to use the back-up hose (4b) which doesn't run far enough to sit in the tank comfortably. Also, and this is imperative, whilst dragging hose through garage and utility room, make sure the end of the hose is loose so you soak everything. Try to get some electrical equipment with your water jet - a bass amp is perfect. Move equipment and drop bass on hard floor.
> Step 6 - Try to be a smart ass when things are obviously not going for you. Try to change the nozzle of the hose to the one outside which is normally used, and is weightier. Don't put it on properly. Soak kitchen. And yourself. Repeat.
> Step 7 - Wash gravel and line the bottom of the tank. Because of the hose problem, you will need to maunally hold the hose in place whilst it fills the tank. This takes between 15 to 20 minutes, where you can't do anything that isn't within the radius of your arms. Also remember that your fish will be running out of oxygen soon, as he/she is, in essence, a big fish in a small pond. Put his stupid little FUCKING boat back in which will not stay where it should.
> Step 8 - After several failed suicide attempts, by both parties involved, the tank is full and you can sort the weed out. Get hold of the flimsiest strip magnet in the world to hold it all together at the base. YOU WILL DO THIS HORRIBLY WRONG. At this point the fish is the dryest object with in a 2 mile radius.
> Step 9 - Aah yes, the filter you broke in Step 1....umm....wing it. It's probably fixed.
> Step 10 - Remember the tap water purifier you were supposed to put in at Step 7. Add it and swirl with hand. The effect is the same, or worse, but you tried, which makes it worse, because you failed, you daft twat!
> Step 11 - Finally, get fish back into tank. You will be feeling some apprehension at this point, and almost certain the fish will die when you put him back, but you don't care at this point and it becomes a morbid intrigue. You have possibly gone temporarily insane due to various trauma suffered. Wipe sides down with a whole roll of Bounty.
If you follow my steps, your fish will survive for at least half an hour while you cry in a corner or document the event, or both.