Guys
Apparently I have attracted yet another admirer. *sigh* I feel so awkward when people obviously like me but I don't feel like that at all about them. Then I feel like such a jerk though, because I always say I wish guys would like me, and then get all picky about the ones that do. I don't know, maybe I should give them a chance. But when you've only known someone for like one night, and you were drunk at the time, it's kind of awkward when they randomly talk to you. And, I'm an asshole, and am still dreaming of my perfect man. I feel bad thinking they're creepy, because they're nice kids, it's just... Agh I don't know. I'm not ready for someone invading my space right now. I'm so much more comfortable loving my friends and family, because I'm not afraid of where it might go. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm just more willing to let them love me too, because I don't feel like I'm giving them my heart to break.
If I'm going to like a guy, we have to be friends for awhile first, and hang out, most likely with the same groups of people so we can find out if we get along well...and I don't know. I'm just not prone to crushes or love or any of that stuff. I never was. I've probably only had one or two real crushes in my life. I've thought about certain guys as being nice, that I *could* have liked them. I don't even know how that can happen... I guess it's like, I felt some chemistry with them, waited to see if it would go anywhere, but it never did so I didn't fully qualify them as crushes. I like boys as friends right now. I like to know them a lot better before anything more could come of it. And the thing is, with these guys I don't think I would want any more to come of it.
I feel like other people think that I'm being an asshole by thinking these guys are awkward and weird. Maybe I am, I don't know. I just know I'm not attracted to them. I'm not trying to be elitist, or too cool for school or something. I wouldn't be bothered having them as friends. I try to explain that, but I just feel like they're not listening because they've already formed their opinion about it, and think I'm just trying to cover for myself. Maybe I just shouldn't talk to them about it. Apparently I should be totally in love with any awkward looking, slightly nerdy guy that comes along or I'm prejudiced or something. Whatever.
Basically what prompted this was Ian coming to my room tonight and giving me a book he had read in an envelope he had decorated for me. There were a bunch of people hanging out in here watching TV so he stayed awhile and talked with us. I could sort of tell he liked me last night when we were walking and he kept trying to put his arm around me. And something about the way he looks at me... you know what I mean. But I just can't think of him like that. He's one of those guys that I love having as friends, but could never think of romantically. I'm not physically attracted to him, and I could never be with someone that I wasn't physically attracted to. And I just hate how awkward it makes everything. Because I'm so afraid to hurt people, I try to be nice, and it'll encourage things. I don't want to lose them as friends... but I don't want to string them along... And I'm never sure how to act, and that probably hurts more than anything. But I'd also never be the one to bring anything up. It's the same with Eric, who's been talking to me on IM all week. Slightly less so with him because we have a lot in common, and can actually have a relatively nice conversation, but...yeah.... Oh well. It'll all work out.
On the less shallow complaining side, I felt SO much better after church today. The sermon was so perfect, I felt like God had actually heard my prayers to help me get through this. It was just so calming and mood lifting. Afterwards I got an e-mail from Jo to thank me for doing the collection as well, and that was just so sweet of her. So I know she isn't annoyed with me, and doesn't hate me. Which is always nice to know.
If I'm going to like a guy, we have to be friends for awhile first, and hang out, most likely with the same groups of people so we can find out if we get along well...and I don't know. I'm just not prone to crushes or love or any of that stuff. I never was. I've probably only had one or two real crushes in my life. I've thought about certain guys as being nice, that I *could* have liked them. I don't even know how that can happen... I guess it's like, I felt some chemistry with them, waited to see if it would go anywhere, but it never did so I didn't fully qualify them as crushes. I like boys as friends right now. I like to know them a lot better before anything more could come of it. And the thing is, with these guys I don't think I would want any more to come of it.
I feel like other people think that I'm being an asshole by thinking these guys are awkward and weird. Maybe I am, I don't know. I just know I'm not attracted to them. I'm not trying to be elitist, or too cool for school or something. I wouldn't be bothered having them as friends. I try to explain that, but I just feel like they're not listening because they've already formed their opinion about it, and think I'm just trying to cover for myself. Maybe I just shouldn't talk to them about it. Apparently I should be totally in love with any awkward looking, slightly nerdy guy that comes along or I'm prejudiced or something. Whatever.
Basically what prompted this was Ian coming to my room tonight and giving me a book he had read in an envelope he had decorated for me. There were a bunch of people hanging out in here watching TV so he stayed awhile and talked with us. I could sort of tell he liked me last night when we were walking and he kept trying to put his arm around me. And something about the way he looks at me... you know what I mean. But I just can't think of him like that. He's one of those guys that I love having as friends, but could never think of romantically. I'm not physically attracted to him, and I could never be with someone that I wasn't physically attracted to. And I just hate how awkward it makes everything. Because I'm so afraid to hurt people, I try to be nice, and it'll encourage things. I don't want to lose them as friends... but I don't want to string them along... And I'm never sure how to act, and that probably hurts more than anything. But I'd also never be the one to bring anything up. It's the same with Eric, who's been talking to me on IM all week. Slightly less so with him because we have a lot in common, and can actually have a relatively nice conversation, but...yeah.... Oh well. It'll all work out.
On the less shallow complaining side, I felt SO much better after church today. The sermon was so perfect, I felt like God had actually heard my prayers to help me get through this. It was just so calming and mood lifting. Afterwards I got an e-mail from Jo to thank me for doing the collection as well, and that was just so sweet of her. So I know she isn't annoyed with me, and doesn't hate me. Which is always nice to know.