a shitload of shit
its been like a month since i've updated. i think the last time viewers checked in with brad's life, i was just about to start hockey playoffs as well as interviewing for jobs. alot has happened since then, but i suppose i'll start with this past weekend, since its weighed most heavily on my mind.
saturday was the 10th anniversary of my mother's death. this time of year is always hard for me for that reason, but this year, because of the decade-mark probably, i did alot of contemplating. i've decided i want to be cremated when i die. i say this because of the law of conservation of matter. i know, i'm a big nerd, but seeing as matter can neither be created nor destoryed, i feel its selfish to lock up my molecules in a box so that it takes longer for my body to decompose. i feel i could give more to the world by quickly returning the raw material that gives me life to the global ecosystem. i know that sounds kinda weird. basically what i'm getting at is that while standing over my mother's grave with my dad and grandmother, for some reason my thoughts wandered to her state of decomposition and i thought that was a really poor way to think about my mother. i'd much rather think that some of her molecules have re-entered the cycle and have become a part of something else living. maybe its just my hope that part of my mom is living on in something other than spirit.
i also think i am going to die young, like my mom did, or maybe i'm just afraid i'm going to. i've had dreams where i'm with my mom, or she shows up unexpectedly and we get to hang out for a short time. at some point i always try and drag her to go see my sister carrie, and she always says no. i get mad at her and say that she deserves to see her mother as much as i do, but she always says there's no time. then she leaves. i've talked to my sister about this and she's never had any dreams like it. maybe i just think too much...wait, i know i think too much.
i guess that's all i'm really comfortable saying in a public forum about the whole thing. 10 years later, i'm pretty comfortable talking about my mom as a person, and about her passing, but its still sometimes hard to talk about how i feel about it. there's days that i don't think about her at all, and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. i know it shouldn't, because i'll never forget her, but as time goes by and i've lived a greater percentage of my life without her, there are fewer total memories that involve her. i've learned and done and seen so much in the last 10 years. one of the things that keeps her alive inside me is that i try and make decisions based on what would make her proud of me. i guess that's what i had to get off my chest. i promise i'll update soon with some less serious news.
saturday was the 10th anniversary of my mother's death. this time of year is always hard for me for that reason, but this year, because of the decade-mark probably, i did alot of contemplating. i've decided i want to be cremated when i die. i say this because of the law of conservation of matter. i know, i'm a big nerd, but seeing as matter can neither be created nor destoryed, i feel its selfish to lock up my molecules in a box so that it takes longer for my body to decompose. i feel i could give more to the world by quickly returning the raw material that gives me life to the global ecosystem. i know that sounds kinda weird. basically what i'm getting at is that while standing over my mother's grave with my dad and grandmother, for some reason my thoughts wandered to her state of decomposition and i thought that was a really poor way to think about my mother. i'd much rather think that some of her molecules have re-entered the cycle and have become a part of something else living. maybe its just my hope that part of my mom is living on in something other than spirit.
i also think i am going to die young, like my mom did, or maybe i'm just afraid i'm going to. i've had dreams where i'm with my mom, or she shows up unexpectedly and we get to hang out for a short time. at some point i always try and drag her to go see my sister carrie, and she always says no. i get mad at her and say that she deserves to see her mother as much as i do, but she always says there's no time. then she leaves. i've talked to my sister about this and she's never had any dreams like it. maybe i just think too much...wait, i know i think too much.
i guess that's all i'm really comfortable saying in a public forum about the whole thing. 10 years later, i'm pretty comfortable talking about my mom as a person, and about her passing, but its still sometimes hard to talk about how i feel about it. there's days that i don't think about her at all, and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. i know it shouldn't, because i'll never forget her, but as time goes by and i've lived a greater percentage of my life without her, there are fewer total memories that involve her. i've learned and done and seen so much in the last 10 years. one of the things that keeps her alive inside me is that i try and make decisions based on what would make her proud of me. i guess that's what i had to get off my chest. i promise i'll update soon with some less serious news.