life, as of lately.
i've found over the past couple of months, that when i do things, i do them based on what other people will think about how i do them. if they'll think well of me, i do it one way. i base my choices on others' opinions of me. and lately i've stopped doing that.
i've been doing what I want to do. i've stopped caring if people will like me or not. and i've stopped putting up with other peoples' crap. it's different. it's made some situations better, and others' worse.
take for example, my job. i don't take anyone's shit = me being considered for the assistant manager position. my boss talked to me about it a while ago and it's really exciting. i'd be on salary [a damn good one too] and i'd work both nights and mornings, a variety that is very satisfying. i get sick of too much of one or the other. but i can't do that with school, so idk..
on the other hand, it's made my relationship with my parents go down the shitter. not terribly, but it's considerably different. they don't realize that i'm NINETEEN YEARS OLD. i'm not a child. i have a fulltime job, i go to school fulltime. i pay for my car insurance, cell phone, and loans every month. i have enough responsibilty to go around for now. and i hardly have any "me" time. but when i finally do have time, i get, "be home by four". and when i'm not home by four, i get, "don't go anywhere for a week". but see, i've gotten around that too. i just tell them i'm going to work, and i don't. ha. but that's not the point. the point is that i'm an adult, and i deserve to be treated as such. i'm responsible enough to not be stupid about what i do, so don't give me a time to be home. honestly.
i talk back a lot more now too. i'm done letting my dad walk all over me. because i've been doing it for too long. he needs to fucking remove the leash he's trying to keep on me.
another thing that i've come to realize is that i don't talk to any of my high school friends anymore. except for alicia. and even that's only two or three times a month. i mean i occasionally talk to jeff, or noelle, but other than that, no one. it's terrible. and i know that it happens to everyone when they graduate, but for some reason i thought we'd be different. idk, maybe everyone else in the world thinks that. i don't even know if it's just me that no one's talking too though. is it everyone else? i doubt it. sometimes i feel like there's more attachment with everyone else BUT me and alicia, because we joined in wayyy later than the rest of us, not until senior year really. and i don't mean that in a bad way. but everyone else had been friends for years before we jumped in. so there's more....something. idk i may be overthinking this. i hope i am. because it's sucky, i miss everyone so much :(
sometimes i'll sit here and think it's my fault. after i left fredonia and was at home i made new friends around here with people from work and people i know through people at work. and now there's this whole other network of friends i have who have no clue who my friends were before. so when old friends come home, my new friends are like wow where have you been lately. it's a vicious circle i guess. i just don't want everyone to think i up and made new friends and don't care about them.
i hate how this is.
i hate not seeing anyone.
i hate how we all said we'd go downtown together on breaks and we still haven't.
i hate how now half of us either can't go because we aren't 21 [guys] or can't go because our boyfriends would be mad.
i just hate how we aren't truely "The Ten" anymore.
i've got so much more i could put into this entry. lately i've had so many things to stress about.
i don't want to go back to school. at all. i hate school now. i hate my car. my [kind of] boyfriend's ex-gf won't fucking leave hime alone. i'm constantly being patronized by my father. my mother is ridiculous about life. i hate my car. i have no money. the list goes on.
if i expand on these we'll be here until next christmas. plus my fingers will hurt. so i'll spare both of us the pain.
but one good thing happened.
i had sex. and i'm not shy about it either, [clearly]. so ask me :] hehe.