no one makes fun of me 'cause i can't stand up for myself.
can't wait to screw this up.
so i wonder sometimes when i'm going to finally breakdown. or wake up and find myself being surrounded by a world of false words and fake characters. and then i wonder if that's the world im living in now. i know its terrible to say, but sometimes i really do question who my friends are. i know a lot of people are busy or whatever, but its not like i have the lightest schedule anymore either. i dunno, sometimes i feel like people forget about me since im all the way over here. and its not really that big of an issue, but when you have a lot of time to think, well.. you start to think i guess. i mean i know that i would do pretty much anything for my friends. i always put my friends before me. or others for that matter. i just have never been the kind of person that is just looking out for my back. i would rather make sure that everyone else is okay or can do something, and then i'll follow. i mean, dont get me wrong, in no way, shape, or form am i afraid to lead, because i know i have done it in the past. theres no fear to take initiative, its just i would rather watch my friends be happy. and this doesnt mean that i expect anything in return from the friends i do favors for, or whatever it is. im not in friendships for the give and take. its no secret, i love to talk. i could talk about anything with anyone. but at the same time i can be very closed. there are just some thing i would rather not share only because i dont like to put my problems on others. i would much rather have other people vent through me or even project their problems to me. as i look through pictures and think of memories, i realize that life is about the stories you can tell. it doesnt take a genius to realize that we are defined by the moments and the decisions of those moments - our life. and over my lifetime i have a lot of stories, lots of moments, which i am glad to say that i have. but then there are nights like these, when im the only one awake after a terrible day or week or month or whatever and i look out my window and see the connecticut sky, and i just wonder 'where are you now?' sometimes im asking myself, others time referring to a person, or group of people, or God. lately i feel like faith is being put on display for me. at church on sunday there was this little boy who was probably no older that 6 or 7 and he's singing the same song im singing, but just looking at him it seems like he's singing it with conviction. and to me, that little boy, that's faith. who knows what other thoughts are going through his head, the point is at that moment, i happened to notice him, to notice faith. i dont know if its coincidence that i get the chills every time i take communion at my church here, but i do know i like it a lot. regardless, anytime i think my life is going good, i hesitate to enjoy it because i know that bad news is gonna come sooner or later. nothing in life can ever be perfect, can it? looking at some of the pictures in the calender kels made me, its sad to look at the faces of people i havent spoken to, like a real conversation, in so long. but thats me, nostalgic bt. looking back at the past, nervous/anxious for the future, completely missing the present. im just so lost in everything. and last week i was given a scare when the professors at the sport management meeting said that they only take 10 kids into the program. 10. and here i am dicking around in class and waking up late for exams. i got a 79 on my damn math exam because i lost 15 points on 3 multiple choice problems that i knew the answers too. i dont know what it is, but this week i feel completely disgusted in myself. like at my life. and how i live it. and how i waste moments. silence only reminds me of how alone i really am out here. or at least how i feel. i guess one could say that i f find neglect to be the greatest sign of friendship in my life. people talk to me when they first - need something and then second - when its convenient. i dont care, i really dont. it makes no difference to me if i talk to you every day or if i talk to you once a month. im not going to change. im still gonna care about you as much. and there are people who would say brian why do you do all this shit for people, you let them walk all over you, you know you could just say no when they ask. but thats the thing, i cant say no. i never could. if my friends want something, and i could be of any help, why wouldnt i do it? because its not convenient for me? no, thats bullshit to me. no matter how any one else in this world treats me, i wouldnt want to be the guy to let someone down. and i really do get upset when i do because i feel i have failed at something thats more important than whatever im doing. and who knows about this sports management thing. if i keep dicking around, i will have failed. all the pressure my whole life of making the family and the extended family and the extended family's extended family proud will have gone to shit and i will just be another indian kid who couldnt hack it. i know that i shouldnt expect things to just come really easily, but i cant motivate myself to be productive. lets be honest, i have low self esteem/self confidence and have lived a life doubting every ability that i have. im not the best at anything. im not attractive, not extremely funny, or extremely smart, or extremely athletic. im good at somethings, but could never consider myself the best at something. and my whole life i was expected to be. my mom used to ask me what i would get on tests and i would say 95 or 97 or 93 and she would just look at me like i was dumb, as if i was a terrible person because i didnt get 100. i always thought she was kidding and figured she was proud of me but who knows. ive been placed on a pedestal and im not sure if can handle it. who knows when it all falls down. or maybe im just afraid of heights, i fear the fall not knowing if it will ever come.
its times like these i wish i had conviction. i wish i had strong faith. i wish i was a 7 year old boy.
don't waste your youth like i did.
so i wonder sometimes when i'm going to finally breakdown. or wake up and find myself being surrounded by a world of false words and fake characters. and then i wonder if that's the world im living in now. i know its terrible to say, but sometimes i really do question who my friends are. i know a lot of people are busy or whatever, but its not like i have the lightest schedule anymore either. i dunno, sometimes i feel like people forget about me since im all the way over here. and its not really that big of an issue, but when you have a lot of time to think, well.. you start to think i guess. i mean i know that i would do pretty much anything for my friends. i always put my friends before me. or others for that matter. i just have never been the kind of person that is just looking out for my back. i would rather make sure that everyone else is okay or can do something, and then i'll follow. i mean, dont get me wrong, in no way, shape, or form am i afraid to lead, because i know i have done it in the past. theres no fear to take initiative, its just i would rather watch my friends be happy. and this doesnt mean that i expect anything in return from the friends i do favors for, or whatever it is. im not in friendships for the give and take. its no secret, i love to talk. i could talk about anything with anyone. but at the same time i can be very closed. there are just some thing i would rather not share only because i dont like to put my problems on others. i would much rather have other people vent through me or even project their problems to me. as i look through pictures and think of memories, i realize that life is about the stories you can tell. it doesnt take a genius to realize that we are defined by the moments and the decisions of those moments - our life. and over my lifetime i have a lot of stories, lots of moments, which i am glad to say that i have. but then there are nights like these, when im the only one awake after a terrible day or week or month or whatever and i look out my window and see the connecticut sky, and i just wonder 'where are you now?' sometimes im asking myself, others time referring to a person, or group of people, or God. lately i feel like faith is being put on display for me. at church on sunday there was this little boy who was probably no older that 6 or 7 and he's singing the same song im singing, but just looking at him it seems like he's singing it with conviction. and to me, that little boy, that's faith. who knows what other thoughts are going through his head, the point is at that moment, i happened to notice him, to notice faith. i dont know if its coincidence that i get the chills every time i take communion at my church here, but i do know i like it a lot. regardless, anytime i think my life is going good, i hesitate to enjoy it because i know that bad news is gonna come sooner or later. nothing in life can ever be perfect, can it? looking at some of the pictures in the calender kels made me, its sad to look at the faces of people i havent spoken to, like a real conversation, in so long. but thats me, nostalgic bt. looking back at the past, nervous/anxious for the future, completely missing the present. im just so lost in everything. and last week i was given a scare when the professors at the sport management meeting said that they only take 10 kids into the program. 10. and here i am dicking around in class and waking up late for exams. i got a 79 on my damn math exam because i lost 15 points on 3 multiple choice problems that i knew the answers too. i dont know what it is, but this week i feel completely disgusted in myself. like at my life. and how i live it. and how i waste moments. silence only reminds me of how alone i really am out here. or at least how i feel. i guess one could say that i f find neglect to be the greatest sign of friendship in my life. people talk to me when they first - need something and then second - when its convenient. i dont care, i really dont. it makes no difference to me if i talk to you every day or if i talk to you once a month. im not going to change. im still gonna care about you as much. and there are people who would say brian why do you do all this shit for people, you let them walk all over you, you know you could just say no when they ask. but thats the thing, i cant say no. i never could. if my friends want something, and i could be of any help, why wouldnt i do it? because its not convenient for me? no, thats bullshit to me. no matter how any one else in this world treats me, i wouldnt want to be the guy to let someone down. and i really do get upset when i do because i feel i have failed at something thats more important than whatever im doing. and who knows about this sports management thing. if i keep dicking around, i will have failed. all the pressure my whole life of making the family and the extended family and the extended family's extended family proud will have gone to shit and i will just be another indian kid who couldnt hack it. i know that i shouldnt expect things to just come really easily, but i cant motivate myself to be productive. lets be honest, i have low self esteem/self confidence and have lived a life doubting every ability that i have. im not the best at anything. im not attractive, not extremely funny, or extremely smart, or extremely athletic. im good at somethings, but could never consider myself the best at something. and my whole life i was expected to be. my mom used to ask me what i would get on tests and i would say 95 or 97 or 93 and she would just look at me like i was dumb, as if i was a terrible person because i didnt get 100. i always thought she was kidding and figured she was proud of me but who knows. ive been placed on a pedestal and im not sure if can handle it. who knows when it all falls down. or maybe im just afraid of heights, i fear the fall not knowing if it will ever come.
its times like these i wish i had conviction. i wish i had strong faith. i wish i was a 7 year old boy.
don't waste your youth like i did.