amazing how life turns out the way that it does.
"for most who live and breathe,
hell is never knowing who they are now.
tell me who you are now.
finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know.
are you safe from yourself? can you escape all by yourself?"
i havent said anything in here in a while. i guess you could say a lot has happened. or not. so im joining a fraternity. I was skeptical but interested at first, but now i am so glad that im doing it. all the guys that are in my class and all the brothers seem really cool and im having a lot of fun at the parties. and unlike last semester, im actually taking classes now. and i love this so much more than last semester. i realize now how much i hated pre-pharm and that i can definitely see myself doing something with sports. and its something i hope to accomplish. i havent really kept in touch with everyone as much as i should have, and i feel bad. so sorry to everyone who reads this. and yesterday i was upset because my dad and i filled out my fafsa application and its just really depressing to see where we are. and it made me respect my parents so much more. they make so much money in a year and barely see any of it. like barely. its so ridiculous. i could never imagine working hard and investing smart for almost two decades only to see it all disappear in a week. i dont know what i would do with myself. being placed in a hole that i never dug, never asked for, never deserved. and you would think at that point they would give up and be angry with god. instead, they take a deep breath, and try their best to move on. their faith is a reason for hope. i mean, one can argue, what else can they do, they've got nowhere to go but up. but these are debts that will only grow. with my brother still in college and now im in college. and to think how much a dollar must mean to them. i know my mom is the most selfless person in the world. i cant even remember the last time she went shopping for herself. she doesnt give two shits about new fashions or eating at fancy restaurants. she doesnt expect anything from anyone. and my dad, as much as i used to despise him, i have realized that i was wrong and he was and always will be a good man. i might not have had the most enjoyable childhood, but my parents have done everything in their power for me and i've done nothing but bitch and moan about wanting more. im always wasting money and spending it impulsively. money has never been put in limits for me. ive always figured that i'll make it back, and the money im spending is for a good purpose. i know its something i need to work on. im spoiled and blessed in many accounts, and i could never be able to show how grateful i am. so the other day i was thinking it would be really cool to study abroad. jordan agreed. so im thinking maybe next spring we'll go to singapore. or new zealand. or australia. somewhere cool. my mom already said it was alright so hopefully that works out. the only thing really holding me back is not being able to talk to everyone as much. i've made a lot of friends here and i have a lot back home, and i dont want to just get up and go and show up in six months like nothings changed, cuz thats never how it works out. its hard to try and figure this all out now. i dunno. just thinking about how things could go wrong at any given moment. ever since i was able to realize that bad things happen to good people, i have feared losing someone close to me. i have feared failure. as much as i want to live for myself, i just dont have that inner motivation anymore. i feel like the only way i keep going is for hopes of a better life for the people around me. i go to bed each night and wonder what tomorrow holds. will it be the day that i lose everything? its a depressing and pessimistic way to look at life, i know, but i cant help it. i cant help but wonder what i would do if the situation did happen. and i was broken. to say i hope that day never comes is foolish because it will eventually, and you never know when it will. the fact alone that my mom could have died twice in the past two years because of shit thats fucked up with her body had me going crazy, not to mention all the times she tells me how she falls asleep at the wheel because shes driving home from work and shes just so tired. and thank god that he is watching over her. not to sound ungrateful or anything, but if anyone deserves to be blessed, its her. i know i might seem biased when i talk about her, but i dont care. in my heart i know she is like a saint, and if i am ever blessed with kids, i could only hope to guide them and be half as good of a parent that she is. and dad, with every passing day i feel more close to you. for the first time in who knows how long, i feel that i am finally good enough for you. so yeah, i love you both a lot. just thought i would let the world know. and blesson, no matter who else doubts you, im always behind you. i know you can accomplish whatever you truly set your mind to. dont settle for a life that you're gonna hate. its not worth it. i know mom and dad have never treated you and me equally, and i know its never been fair to you, and that they've always spoiled me. but please dont take that as a sign that they've given up on you. i know they havent. you can do this man. its in you. it has to be. you can go places man, just know its time to buckle down. get shit done. i got your back. like you've always had mine. thanks. i guess the only bad thing i have to write about is that sometimes im sitting by myself, way after the world is asleep, and im sitting in my room and i look out my window out onto uconn and the rest of connecticut and i wonder if i really am loved as much as i love others. i guess thats what i really want the most. more than anything, really. to be loved. i know its a foolish and selfish thing to ask for, but who doesnt want to be accepted. especially in such a way. loneliness is an empty road. no one wants to be an outcast. who knows what the next twenty years have in store for me. hopefully it will alllllllllllll work out. i miss everyone. take care. god bless. peacccccccccce.
yeah, i wanna be 6 again with all the friends i have now. i think that would be badass.
"do you remember when we were just kids?
and cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss.
schoolyard conversations taken to heart.
and laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not."
hell is never knowing who they are now.
tell me who you are now.
finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know.
are you safe from yourself? can you escape all by yourself?"
i havent said anything in here in a while. i guess you could say a lot has happened. or not. so im joining a fraternity. I was skeptical but interested at first, but now i am so glad that im doing it. all the guys that are in my class and all the brothers seem really cool and im having a lot of fun at the parties. and unlike last semester, im actually taking classes now. and i love this so much more than last semester. i realize now how much i hated pre-pharm and that i can definitely see myself doing something with sports. and its something i hope to accomplish. i havent really kept in touch with everyone as much as i should have, and i feel bad. so sorry to everyone who reads this. and yesterday i was upset because my dad and i filled out my fafsa application and its just really depressing to see where we are. and it made me respect my parents so much more. they make so much money in a year and barely see any of it. like barely. its so ridiculous. i could never imagine working hard and investing smart for almost two decades only to see it all disappear in a week. i dont know what i would do with myself. being placed in a hole that i never dug, never asked for, never deserved. and you would think at that point they would give up and be angry with god. instead, they take a deep breath, and try their best to move on. their faith is a reason for hope. i mean, one can argue, what else can they do, they've got nowhere to go but up. but these are debts that will only grow. with my brother still in college and now im in college. and to think how much a dollar must mean to them. i know my mom is the most selfless person in the world. i cant even remember the last time she went shopping for herself. she doesnt give two shits about new fashions or eating at fancy restaurants. she doesnt expect anything from anyone. and my dad, as much as i used to despise him, i have realized that i was wrong and he was and always will be a good man. i might not have had the most enjoyable childhood, but my parents have done everything in their power for me and i've done nothing but bitch and moan about wanting more. im always wasting money and spending it impulsively. money has never been put in limits for me. ive always figured that i'll make it back, and the money im spending is for a good purpose. i know its something i need to work on. im spoiled and blessed in many accounts, and i could never be able to show how grateful i am. so the other day i was thinking it would be really cool to study abroad. jordan agreed. so im thinking maybe next spring we'll go to singapore. or new zealand. or australia. somewhere cool. my mom already said it was alright so hopefully that works out. the only thing really holding me back is not being able to talk to everyone as much. i've made a lot of friends here and i have a lot back home, and i dont want to just get up and go and show up in six months like nothings changed, cuz thats never how it works out. its hard to try and figure this all out now. i dunno. just thinking about how things could go wrong at any given moment. ever since i was able to realize that bad things happen to good people, i have feared losing someone close to me. i have feared failure. as much as i want to live for myself, i just dont have that inner motivation anymore. i feel like the only way i keep going is for hopes of a better life for the people around me. i go to bed each night and wonder what tomorrow holds. will it be the day that i lose everything? its a depressing and pessimistic way to look at life, i know, but i cant help it. i cant help but wonder what i would do if the situation did happen. and i was broken. to say i hope that day never comes is foolish because it will eventually, and you never know when it will. the fact alone that my mom could have died twice in the past two years because of shit thats fucked up with her body had me going crazy, not to mention all the times she tells me how she falls asleep at the wheel because shes driving home from work and shes just so tired. and thank god that he is watching over her. not to sound ungrateful or anything, but if anyone deserves to be blessed, its her. i know i might seem biased when i talk about her, but i dont care. in my heart i know she is like a saint, and if i am ever blessed with kids, i could only hope to guide them and be half as good of a parent that she is. and dad, with every passing day i feel more close to you. for the first time in who knows how long, i feel that i am finally good enough for you. so yeah, i love you both a lot. just thought i would let the world know. and blesson, no matter who else doubts you, im always behind you. i know you can accomplish whatever you truly set your mind to. dont settle for a life that you're gonna hate. its not worth it. i know mom and dad have never treated you and me equally, and i know its never been fair to you, and that they've always spoiled me. but please dont take that as a sign that they've given up on you. i know they havent. you can do this man. its in you. it has to be. you can go places man, just know its time to buckle down. get shit done. i got your back. like you've always had mine. thanks. i guess the only bad thing i have to write about is that sometimes im sitting by myself, way after the world is asleep, and im sitting in my room and i look out my window out onto uconn and the rest of connecticut and i wonder if i really am loved as much as i love others. i guess thats what i really want the most. more than anything, really. to be loved. i know its a foolish and selfish thing to ask for, but who doesnt want to be accepted. especially in such a way. loneliness is an empty road. no one wants to be an outcast. who knows what the next twenty years have in store for me. hopefully it will alllllllllllll work out. i miss everyone. take care. god bless. peacccccccccce.
yeah, i wanna be 6 again with all the friends i have now. i think that would be badass.
"do you remember when we were just kids?
and cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss.
schoolyard conversations taken to heart.
and laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not."