Yuka Nakagawa: F7 - D7 - Blood Ties
((OOC: PC control approved by Lucy.))
Yutaka kept yawning, even though he'd had way more sleep than her. She thought it was kind of sweet, that he got tired so easily. She herself didn't need that much sleep, not usually. Always the one who kept talking at sleepovers even after they put the lights out (although she always shut up when Yukie finally asked her, because when that happened you knew you were actually starting to make everyone else kind of cross).
Right now she didn't feel tired at all. Just kind of... jittery and empty-minded, like there weren't any proper thoughts in her head. But jitteriness was what you'd expect when you were in the Program, right?
But it's okay, we're gonna get out of the Program soon, it's all gonna be fine, me and Yutaka and Chisato and Yuko and Yukie, and then we'll -
- go home -
How dumb could you get? (And for a moment she thought of Satomi wearing that slight frown she always had when you said something stupid and illogical, and then she reminded herself again Satomi was dead.) They were going to escape from the Program. That made them, like, criminals. Deserters. Government fugitives. And she knew what they did to criminals.
Not going to go home. Not going to see Mum and Jyou and Ryuki - not going to see Dad -
"Yutaka," she said, "what are they gonna do to our families?"
"Huh?"
"When - when we escape. 'Cause... they're gonna be mad, aren't they... the government, I mean, they're... what if they..."
"They - they won't," Yutaka said, staring fiercely up at her. "I mean, they might... you know, ask them stuff, but our families aren't gonna know where we've gone, right? It might be... kind of bad for them, but... don't worry, Yuka, they won't... really hurt them."
Yuka swallowed.
"Maybe they won't hurt yours," she said, and it was like her voice was coming from far away, like right back in her head where it was still night, and she squeezed her eyes shut a moment because the sun was blurring. "But... they..."
"What?"
"My dad..." It hurt to get the words out. "He..."
A pause, then Yutaka said, "Uh... we should get undercover before we stop. Look, the tangerine trees aren't far. Let's run over to them, and then - and then you can tell me, okay?" And then he'd grabbed her hand, and they were both sprinting over the dry ground. Because of course. This was still the Program, and it was really dumb to let deep dark confessions distract you from not getting killed, right? Horror movie 101.
You're actually going to tell him?
Well, it almost didn't matter. She wasn't ever gonna see her family again. And Yutaka had seen her do other bad stuff already, and seen her cry, and she was must look all gross and messy by now and they'd walked out on Yoshitoki and, and so many people were dead -
Sudden shade on her face.
"I hope -" She swallowed. "I hope Yoshimi isn't still here -"
"We'll just have to whisper," Yutaka said, determinedly.
I hope the person I shot isn't still here -
No. She wasn't going to think about that, it didn't matter -
Of course it matters!
"So... what about your dad?" Yutaka said, and for a moment she was almost grateful because she didn't want to think about shooting people.
"He... when I was kid, he... he kept a shop, you know? And they thought he was involved in - in smuggling stuff. I dunno what, whether it was drugs or music or government pamphlets or what, but - you know, I think one of the neighbours pointed the finger. I never figured that before, Mum didn't want us getting all bitter, but - because he didn't. He was completely innocent but they arrested him and... so I think someone just made it up, just to be mean." She'd never thought about how it had happened, and even now she had the vague sense that she was being too harsh, that it could have been a mistake, mistaken identity, or maybe no accusation at all, maybe just a random sweep, but then, you couldn't trust anyone -
(except your friends, of course except your friends)
"They arrested him and they, you know, asked him if he'd done it and in the end... there was no proof and he kept saying he hadn't. I guess. I mean, if he'd confessed, they wouldn't have let him out, right? So I figure he... but it was... anyway, he came back and he was - he was different. Well, you would be. I bet once we get out of this, we'll be different." She didn't look at Yutaka. "He was all quiet and, and angry and sometimes he scared the heck out of me but, I mean, that's okay too, I knew it wasn't my fault." (Usually.) "And so he... they'll think he... seriously, Yutaka, if you've got a record already - and even if they do let him go it - he'll - I didn't think about that part before! I just never thought about it!"
"It's..." Yutaka swallowed. "It's okay, it..." And now he was patting her hand, but he wasn't saying much except it's okay and Yuka knew that was a lie but she appreciated him trying. And then, eventually, he said, "Does anyone else know?"
"No. Why'd I want to tell them my dad's loopy?" She tried to laugh, but it didn't quite work. "Besides, you know people can be funny about hanging out with people whose families aren't on the level. Tarred by association and all that." And she hadn't wanted to see if her friends would be like that. She'd wanted to believe they'd stick by her, but... Chisato thinking the government were always right, and Yukie needing a good reputation to be class rep; Haruka always saying what she thought and Satomi hating to break rules; Yuko so terrified of people being angry with her, and Noriko so sweet and nice and not knowing anything about people being messed up... None of them had any horrible secrets, and she shouldn't either, she was class clown Yuka who never took anything seriously...
"But now it won't matter, right? Seeing as we're gonna be wanted criminals and all..."
"You - you're still okay to - to do this, then?" Yutaka said.
"Of course I am! What else would I do?"
Play the game, win it, and go home legit, her mind said, helpfully.
It was like she'd missed a step on an escalator, and her stomach plunged. You couldn't just think that. You couldn't just decide that. It -
But.
But he's my dad, he's my dad, they'll - and it'll be my fault, and Mum and Jyou and Ryuki, they'll hate me -
Doesn't matter. You won't see them again, either. Doesn't matter. You'll have your friends. Well, who's left of your friends. And if someone's gone through a game like this with you and not killed you, don't you think that makes a bond that's just as strong as family? Don't you think?
"I'm still in," she said. "I'm one of the good guys, after all. Just - just like you. Now let's get out of this forest, it's creepy. You ever see Evil Dead?"
And they started talking about horror movies again, but this time it didn't help.
***
They were just crossing D7 - walking through the shadow of the mountain - when the next report sounded.
"Children, we're halfway through this little game now, in every respect..."
"God," Yuka heard herself mumble. "I didn't realise..." But Yutaka didn't answer, and she realised they were supposed to be listening. Duh, Yuka.
"Only one death to announce: girl #18 Fumiyo Fujiyoshi."
And just like that, another one down. Another one gone. Yuka swallowed, hard. The worst thing was, she wasn't even acting surprised any more. It was more like oh well, only one. And that was horrible, because Fumiyo had been a person, a friend, and it shouldn't be just only one, but Yuka couldn't make herself get upset properly. She was just tired and she just wanted to go home and no, that wasn't gonna happen, stay with it, Yuka, and in the movies they didn't mourn, not really...
She made herself think of Fumiyo anyway. She hadn't been bestest best friends with the girl, but they'd hung out, and liked each other well enough, and Fumiyo had been sweet to her the time she'd twisted her ankle playing tennis and screwed up just as she'd been about to win the set. Come on, now she's dead, why can't you believe it, you idiot?
No. No grief. Just a dull misery that... that people had started killing again.
Not too selfish.
Just resignation. Yuka kept thinking, playing the memory in her mind, picturing Fumiyo giving her the painkillers and trying to make her laugh (she hadn't been very good at it, but that had been okay, Yuka had managed to make enough jokes for the both of them even though she'd kept losing track of what she was saying) but there was no shock, no hurt, just so it's started up again and so we're halfway through and so I guess I will be different, when it's over...
Or maybe it was just, just she was tired. Or hadn't taken it in. Like, she never took anything seriously, right? So... so she obviously wasn't taking this seriously. Hadn't realised.
And it wasn't like crying her eyes out would help.
"Hey, halfway through," she said to Yutaka, and grinned and then started walking again, leaving him to follow so he couldn't see the way she wasn't smiling.
Hey. If it had been Chisato or Yuko or Yukie, would you have cried then?
She didn't know. She wanted to think she would. No, of course she would! Yukie was like one of the best people ever and Chisato and Yuko were so sweet and nice and none of them deserved to be here and that was why she was going to help them escape. Her and them and Yutaka and it would all be fine. They were her friends and she couldn't kill them and she had to choose to stick by them and her family would - her family would be fine -
Okay, stop thinking.
Yeah. She was Yuka Nakagawa, queen of doing nothing but talking about useless random junk that usually related to bad movies. If she just kept doing that and didn't think about anything else and didn't worry about not thinking, then everything would be okay.
Yutaka kept yawning, even though he'd had way more sleep than her. She thought it was kind of sweet, that he got tired so easily. She herself didn't need that much sleep, not usually. Always the one who kept talking at sleepovers even after they put the lights out (although she always shut up when Yukie finally asked her, because when that happened you knew you were actually starting to make everyone else kind of cross).
Right now she didn't feel tired at all. Just kind of... jittery and empty-minded, like there weren't any proper thoughts in her head. But jitteriness was what you'd expect when you were in the Program, right?
But it's okay, we're gonna get out of the Program soon, it's all gonna be fine, me and Yutaka and Chisato and Yuko and Yukie, and then we'll -
- go home -
How dumb could you get? (And for a moment she thought of Satomi wearing that slight frown she always had when you said something stupid and illogical, and then she reminded herself again Satomi was dead.) They were going to escape from the Program. That made them, like, criminals. Deserters. Government fugitives. And she knew what they did to criminals.
Not going to go home. Not going to see Mum and Jyou and Ryuki - not going to see Dad -
"Yutaka," she said, "what are they gonna do to our families?"
"Huh?"
"When - when we escape. 'Cause... they're gonna be mad, aren't they... the government, I mean, they're... what if they..."
"They - they won't," Yutaka said, staring fiercely up at her. "I mean, they might... you know, ask them stuff, but our families aren't gonna know where we've gone, right? It might be... kind of bad for them, but... don't worry, Yuka, they won't... really hurt them."
Yuka swallowed.
"Maybe they won't hurt yours," she said, and it was like her voice was coming from far away, like right back in her head where it was still night, and she squeezed her eyes shut a moment because the sun was blurring. "But... they..."
"What?"
"My dad..." It hurt to get the words out. "He..."
A pause, then Yutaka said, "Uh... we should get undercover before we stop. Look, the tangerine trees aren't far. Let's run over to them, and then - and then you can tell me, okay?" And then he'd grabbed her hand, and they were both sprinting over the dry ground. Because of course. This was still the Program, and it was really dumb to let deep dark confessions distract you from not getting killed, right? Horror movie 101.
You're actually going to tell him?
Well, it almost didn't matter. She wasn't ever gonna see her family again. And Yutaka had seen her do other bad stuff already, and seen her cry, and she was must look all gross and messy by now and they'd walked out on Yoshitoki and, and so many people were dead -
Sudden shade on her face.
"I hope -" She swallowed. "I hope Yoshimi isn't still here -"
"We'll just have to whisper," Yutaka said, determinedly.
I hope the person I shot isn't still here -
No. She wasn't going to think about that, it didn't matter -
Of course it matters!
"So... what about your dad?" Yutaka said, and for a moment she was almost grateful because she didn't want to think about shooting people.
"He... when I was kid, he... he kept a shop, you know? And they thought he was involved in - in smuggling stuff. I dunno what, whether it was drugs or music or government pamphlets or what, but - you know, I think one of the neighbours pointed the finger. I never figured that before, Mum didn't want us getting all bitter, but - because he didn't. He was completely innocent but they arrested him and... so I think someone just made it up, just to be mean." She'd never thought about how it had happened, and even now she had the vague sense that she was being too harsh, that it could have been a mistake, mistaken identity, or maybe no accusation at all, maybe just a random sweep, but then, you couldn't trust anyone -
(except your friends, of course except your friends)
"They arrested him and they, you know, asked him if he'd done it and in the end... there was no proof and he kept saying he hadn't. I guess. I mean, if he'd confessed, they wouldn't have let him out, right? So I figure he... but it was... anyway, he came back and he was - he was different. Well, you would be. I bet once we get out of this, we'll be different." She didn't look at Yutaka. "He was all quiet and, and angry and sometimes he scared the heck out of me but, I mean, that's okay too, I knew it wasn't my fault." (Usually.) "And so he... they'll think he... seriously, Yutaka, if you've got a record already - and even if they do let him go it - he'll - I didn't think about that part before! I just never thought about it!"
"It's..." Yutaka swallowed. "It's okay, it..." And now he was patting her hand, but he wasn't saying much except it's okay and Yuka knew that was a lie but she appreciated him trying. And then, eventually, he said, "Does anyone else know?"
"No. Why'd I want to tell them my dad's loopy?" She tried to laugh, but it didn't quite work. "Besides, you know people can be funny about hanging out with people whose families aren't on the level. Tarred by association and all that." And she hadn't wanted to see if her friends would be like that. She'd wanted to believe they'd stick by her, but... Chisato thinking the government were always right, and Yukie needing a good reputation to be class rep; Haruka always saying what she thought and Satomi hating to break rules; Yuko so terrified of people being angry with her, and Noriko so sweet and nice and not knowing anything about people being messed up... None of them had any horrible secrets, and she shouldn't either, she was class clown Yuka who never took anything seriously...
"But now it won't matter, right? Seeing as we're gonna be wanted criminals and all..."
"You - you're still okay to - to do this, then?" Yutaka said.
"Of course I am! What else would I do?"
Play the game, win it, and go home legit, her mind said, helpfully.
It was like she'd missed a step on an escalator, and her stomach plunged. You couldn't just think that. You couldn't just decide that. It -
But.
But he's my dad, he's my dad, they'll - and it'll be my fault, and Mum and Jyou and Ryuki, they'll hate me -
Doesn't matter. You won't see them again, either. Doesn't matter. You'll have your friends. Well, who's left of your friends. And if someone's gone through a game like this with you and not killed you, don't you think that makes a bond that's just as strong as family? Don't you think?
"I'm still in," she said. "I'm one of the good guys, after all. Just - just like you. Now let's get out of this forest, it's creepy. You ever see Evil Dead?"
And they started talking about horror movies again, but this time it didn't help.
***
They were just crossing D7 - walking through the shadow of the mountain - when the next report sounded.
"Children, we're halfway through this little game now, in every respect..."
"God," Yuka heard herself mumble. "I didn't realise..." But Yutaka didn't answer, and she realised they were supposed to be listening. Duh, Yuka.
"Only one death to announce: girl #18 Fumiyo Fujiyoshi."
And just like that, another one down. Another one gone. Yuka swallowed, hard. The worst thing was, she wasn't even acting surprised any more. It was more like oh well, only one. And that was horrible, because Fumiyo had been a person, a friend, and it shouldn't be just only one, but Yuka couldn't make herself get upset properly. She was just tired and she just wanted to go home and no, that wasn't gonna happen, stay with it, Yuka, and in the movies they didn't mourn, not really...
She made herself think of Fumiyo anyway. She hadn't been bestest best friends with the girl, but they'd hung out, and liked each other well enough, and Fumiyo had been sweet to her the time she'd twisted her ankle playing tennis and screwed up just as she'd been about to win the set. Come on, now she's dead, why can't you believe it, you idiot?
No. No grief. Just a dull misery that... that people had started killing again.
Not too selfish.
Just resignation. Yuka kept thinking, playing the memory in her mind, picturing Fumiyo giving her the painkillers and trying to make her laugh (she hadn't been very good at it, but that had been okay, Yuka had managed to make enough jokes for the both of them even though she'd kept losing track of what she was saying) but there was no shock, no hurt, just so it's started up again and so we're halfway through and so I guess I will be different, when it's over...
Or maybe it was just, just she was tired. Or hadn't taken it in. Like, she never took anything seriously, right? So... so she obviously wasn't taking this seriously. Hadn't realised.
And it wasn't like crying her eyes out would help.
"Hey, halfway through," she said to Yutaka, and grinned and then started walking again, leaving him to follow so he couldn't see the way she wasn't smiling.
Hey. If it had been Chisato or Yuko or Yukie, would you have cried then?
She didn't know. She wanted to think she would. No, of course she would! Yukie was like one of the best people ever and Chisato and Yuko were so sweet and nice and none of them deserved to be here and that was why she was going to help them escape. Her and them and Yutaka and it would all be fine. They were her friends and she couldn't kill them and she had to choose to stick by them and her family would - her family would be fine -
Okay, stop thinking.
Yeah. She was Yuka Nakagawa, queen of doing nothing but talking about useless random junk that usually related to bad movies. If she just kept doing that and didn't think about anything else and didn't worry about not thinking, then everything would be okay.