Not the way the day was supposed to be...
As you all know, well most of you, I've been kind of hard to reach lately. I haven't spent the night at my own house in over a week and I plan to keep it that way for a while. I hate being alone, it makes me think way too much. I know I'm kind of hard to find, and its pissing certain people off, *cough* Amie *cough*, but I am trying the best I can.
A year ago today David and I started going out... And I started off today by talking to him for like three hours, and in the end things are more messed up than they were before our talk. I feel like I'm spiralling out of control and no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt. I wanna just get out of this situation and live alone in New Zealand for the rest of my life.
"I wake up in the morning, put on my face... The one thats going to get me through another day. It doesn't really matter, how I feel inside, cuz life is a game sometimes."
I honestly just don't know anymore. I can say I don't know what the hell I feel, the only word that can even come close to summing it up is "bad". The second word would be "controlled". I'm sick and tired of everyone being like "OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO GREAT FOR YOU!", "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!!". *BITCH SLAP*
I just want to be happy, and I don't even know what that is anymore. I can be so happy one minute and the next I feel like I want the exact opposite. There has to be something wrong with me, this can't be normal. I just feel like my heart is black or missing.
Some people try to help, Erin has been great at that. Out of everyone, the only real advice I've gotten comes from her. Nadia tries her best, and so does Gnat, but they don't really understand the situation the way that I see it. I just wanna quit.
A year ago today David and I started going out... And I started off today by talking to him for like three hours, and in the end things are more messed up than they were before our talk. I feel like I'm spiralling out of control and no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt. I wanna just get out of this situation and live alone in New Zealand for the rest of my life.
"I wake up in the morning, put on my face... The one thats going to get me through another day. It doesn't really matter, how I feel inside, cuz life is a game sometimes."
I honestly just don't know anymore. I can say I don't know what the hell I feel, the only word that can even come close to summing it up is "bad". The second word would be "controlled". I'm sick and tired of everyone being like "OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO GREAT FOR YOU!", "OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!!". *BITCH SLAP*
I just want to be happy, and I don't even know what that is anymore. I can be so happy one minute and the next I feel like I want the exact opposite. There has to be something wrong with me, this can't be normal. I just feel like my heart is black or missing.
Some people try to help, Erin has been great at that. Out of everyone, the only real advice I've gotten comes from her. Nadia tries her best, and so does Gnat, but they don't really understand the situation the way that I see it. I just wanna quit.