(no subject)
Do you want to hear what I want? Do you? Do you? Well, I don't fucking care if you want to hear it or not because I'm going to say whatever I want to whoever I want wherever I want, so try and deal with it. I want HIM to grow up and face the facts. I am the stronger one. I'm the one that is trying to thank him and confront him about my situation, about his situation, and more importantly about our situation. First, I felt horrible for what I did and I ignored him and I let his actions the next few days slip. Now it has gotten way to far and now I'm just mad at him for PRETENDING to have something better to do then talk to me. To me, he is not a man. A man would be man enough to face the facts and suck it up. Nostalga has brought me back to the good memories to the nice things you said to me at times to the first time I met you to the FIRST time I MET you. Before that night last week I had kind of given up and I sincerely believed that our whole relationship was a joke and that you didn't remember anything I had ever said to you, therefore I should just forget the lie of our "relationship". Then that night, you had repeated things you and I had both said so long ago. You repeated conversations and following them you would say "Do you remember Danielle? Do you?" Of course I had remembered. Those things that you repeated are things that I had tried to push out of my memory. I am ashamed that I wish I had never met you just because all of this is not worth it. It is not fair that I have to sit and think and make up what I think you are thinking. I have to make up what you're thinking right now just because you won't converse. "If I didn't fucking care, would I be doing this? would I be here? would I? WOULD I?" Hey, do you remember that? Do ya? Because when you said that I melted. I didn't feel alone. I felt like someone cared and that someone was someone I actually had feelings for. I tried to hide those feelings, I tried to step on them, I tried to drown them with alcohol, I tried to pill them to death, and I tried to coke them away. I couldn't, I couldn't mask my feelings and then when I first realized that I hated myself. I sincerly hope that you have fun with whoever you are with now and I hope that you have the happy ending that I didn't have. You know that saying, "I've been to hell and back again"? Yeah well, I am in hell right now and I haven't quite gotten back yet.