(no subject)
i worry way too much.
i worked off my frustrations at the gym today. for two hours. and i can already feel the consequences of that which means by tomorrow i wont be able to move. oh well, i'm ushering for blue man group so i can see it free tomorrow night. nice. and its a sober weekend again because i'm trying to think more clearly. but then again, when i think clearly, i think more and worry more and get stressed but maybe its best that i finally work through things instead of putting them off or putting them to the back of my mind. and then again, i cant really remember working through things anyways... lots of confrontation, lots of messes, but never really making anything "right"... i usually just end up forgetting it in the end anyways, or trying to forget it.
i got a valentines day package from my mom yesterday. that helped cheer me up a lot. and i got a card from my dad today too. yesterday kristina and i were talking about divorce and how you feel like you should help your parents but you cant really DO anything more... cuz her parents are going through that right now too. its so hard. i thought back to the uh, i dont even know. the summer, last year in general, maybe the last 7 years that their marriage deteriorated.. i dont even know. but if there were ever times when i couldnt have felt more alone and helpless.... man. self esteem seems to drop daily, the more and more i distrust people. i always do this. eventually you'd think i'd stop seeing people as being non-friends to me.
its arties bday on monday. our valentines day buddy. they all went to the club last night. i couldnt go cuz i dont have an id. but it was so cute. artie gets so excited to go clubbing. i love it. i have no money to get a present for artie though. i'll have to figure out something i can make. i watched the notebook again last night. i'm getting all mushy girly and wanted my life to be like the stories in the movies and in books.. you know, fall in love, be happy... etc. haha. but then i remember that i'm me.
well i guess i'm gonna get onto my nap and just try to ignore the fact that i have a million things to do today like fill out my housing forms, make something for artie, study, research, laundry, cleaning, telling all the bands i just got that they cant play because afterhours cancelled all of our shows without telling us until yesterday.... etc. ya know, same old same old.
i need sunshine, i want summer and summerfest and swimming and laughter and play. i want to lay in the grass in the sun listening to music and reading a book and not thinking about anything except getting wrapped up in the story and pretending that i'm in the book instead of what we consider to be the real world. i want the next harry potter book to come out. and i want a lot more things but i always want too much. i wish i lived in australia.
love,
me
i worked off my frustrations at the gym today. for two hours. and i can already feel the consequences of that which means by tomorrow i wont be able to move. oh well, i'm ushering for blue man group so i can see it free tomorrow night. nice. and its a sober weekend again because i'm trying to think more clearly. but then again, when i think clearly, i think more and worry more and get stressed but maybe its best that i finally work through things instead of putting them off or putting them to the back of my mind. and then again, i cant really remember working through things anyways... lots of confrontation, lots of messes, but never really making anything "right"... i usually just end up forgetting it in the end anyways, or trying to forget it.
i got a valentines day package from my mom yesterday. that helped cheer me up a lot. and i got a card from my dad today too. yesterday kristina and i were talking about divorce and how you feel like you should help your parents but you cant really DO anything more... cuz her parents are going through that right now too. its so hard. i thought back to the uh, i dont even know. the summer, last year in general, maybe the last 7 years that their marriage deteriorated.. i dont even know. but if there were ever times when i couldnt have felt more alone and helpless.... man. self esteem seems to drop daily, the more and more i distrust people. i always do this. eventually you'd think i'd stop seeing people as being non-friends to me.
its arties bday on monday. our valentines day buddy. they all went to the club last night. i couldnt go cuz i dont have an id. but it was so cute. artie gets so excited to go clubbing. i love it. i have no money to get a present for artie though. i'll have to figure out something i can make. i watched the notebook again last night. i'm getting all mushy girly and wanted my life to be like the stories in the movies and in books.. you know, fall in love, be happy... etc. haha. but then i remember that i'm me.
well i guess i'm gonna get onto my nap and just try to ignore the fact that i have a million things to do today like fill out my housing forms, make something for artie, study, research, laundry, cleaning, telling all the bands i just got that they cant play because afterhours cancelled all of our shows without telling us until yesterday.... etc. ya know, same old same old.
i need sunshine, i want summer and summerfest and swimming and laughter and play. i want to lay in the grass in the sun listening to music and reading a book and not thinking about anything except getting wrapped up in the story and pretending that i'm in the book instead of what we consider to be the real world. i want the next harry potter book to come out. and i want a lot more things but i always want too much. i wish i lived in australia.
love,
me