"..im so close...to ripping out my heart.."
I have these moments....where i'll hear cetain songs, and i'll think about Brian. And then i'd cry my eyes out and they hate myself for everything that went wrong in our relationship. I love you! i love you ! I love you Brian! I don't care if youre in military school in missouri and will never read this! I love you with ll of my heart! I can't believe things ended up the way they did! With you leaving without even saying goodbye to me...i will love you anyways always and forever you were my first real love!
...but why am i not over him. Why am i still in love with a guy who left me 4 months ago? Why am i so easy to forgive someone who cheated on me countless times with several other girls..who talked crap about me behind my back after we broke up and who ,,oh god, i am only depressing myself//.
I can't believe i am not over him ...i will never be completely over him, the only time i forget about him is when im with another guy, like ricky or jason and Nick and Cory ,...but then when those relatinoships die out i miss him so much. I am completely spent on a //fake//.
and sometimes i will almost make myself move on. Id remind mysel fof how big of a phony he is, but then ill rmeember all the good times we had and remember that at one point in our lives we were totally in love, it was so pure too. We were best friends. At one ppoint in my life i cared for him more than anything else, evne myself.
I think today is the day i will let go. ...but if i do let go of Brian..does that mean i have given up on him?? Would it mean that i have given up on every dream -hope -wish i have ever made of us. Any aspiration i have of him coming back to California and having us get together...fuck that. It is all gonig up in flmaes. I am finally over someone who is probably already over me... -and then a terrifying thought comes to mind- what if he is sad and lonely in military school. What if he realizes how much he misses me and he plans to come back and get back with me and have us continue where we left off...and ill be over him by then. GOD DAMN YOU BRIAN. Why didn't you just love me for who i was then? instead of leaving me without a reaosn or explanation or goodbye. I have no solace.
//i'll wait for you to come back home.//