The Mona Lisa doesn't have eyebrows either
So the end of my college career isn't quite so fun as i had hoped it would be. As Carolyn keeps reminding me, i'm facing two major crossroads, at the same fucking time. I'm finishing up college. My mom is dying. Yeah, she's been dying for the whole time i was here - but now its just a little too close for comfort. I guess i could always pretend before that it was some far off thing...that she'd just always be getting chemo, and she'd always be sick...but that she'd just always be there. Last week, the doctors estimated that she'd only live another couple weeks. I went home this past weekend, "just in case, you want to be able to have said goodbye." Thats how my dad put it. The idea that this past weekend could very realistically be the last time I ever speak to my mother...oh god, how to deal? Mandy Moore, you taught me nothing about this, you bitch. But i had to come back to take finals. My mom wants to see me get through college, first and foremost. Just being here is so hard when i know i should be home with her. Knowing how little time i have left with her, how am i supposed to give a damn about anything else? I don't. I just don't. I put on my happy face, and i go about things as if everything was ok, but i'm so amazingly broken apart on the inside. It'll all come breaking apart sometime....sometime....just not now. It can't happen now.
This weekend when i went home, i walked in the house and it was quiet...it was so quiet...I couldn't deal with it. That's not home. That's not our life there...
My dad is a mess, even if he doesn't show it. He's the optimist out of the three of us. My mom and i, we're the cynical ones. But my dad...he always seems to be looking up. I don't think he really thought this was coming...not so soon anyway.
This isn't the life any of us imagined.
I'll be around for finals week. My mom wants to go home. She hates the hospital. But she needs 24 hour care now. She wants me there, and thats where i want to be, so I'll be heading home at the end of finals week. I don't know when i'll be back. I have to move all my things out of the apartment before June 1st, and hopefully i can still have a space waiting for me at 18-07.
I'm just trying to keep breathing...in and out...choking back everything that is too much to handle right now...
This weekend when i went home, i walked in the house and it was quiet...it was so quiet...I couldn't deal with it. That's not home. That's not our life there...
My dad is a mess, even if he doesn't show it. He's the optimist out of the three of us. My mom and i, we're the cynical ones. But my dad...he always seems to be looking up. I don't think he really thought this was coming...not so soon anyway.
This isn't the life any of us imagined.
I'll be around for finals week. My mom wants to go home. She hates the hospital. But she needs 24 hour care now. She wants me there, and thats where i want to be, so I'll be heading home at the end of finals week. I don't know when i'll be back. I have to move all my things out of the apartment before June 1st, and hopefully i can still have a space waiting for me at 18-07.
I'm just trying to keep breathing...in and out...choking back everything that is too much to handle right now...