Guess it's about time...
So, today didn't start off as the best of days. But now that I think about it, it makes complete sense... it's Tuesday! And those of you who know me, know that I think Tuesdays are the absolute WORST days of the week. I woke up this morning and was minding my own business and doing what I do for two hours every Monday-Friday... watching my daily dose of Dawson's Creek! Well, dad decides to call, I don't pick up... I was planning on calling him back either on a commercial break, or more than likely on my way to the gym. Well, about 10 minutes later he shows up at the house knocking on the door. I thought, well, this is great! I didn't want to have to deal with him this early in the morning (well... not early, but I'd only been up an hour). He sits down on the couch beside me and precedes to have a 10 minute conversation with me telling me in his own way that I need to get up off my butt and start doing some stuff. He told me I needed to have some goals for this summer to work towards, etc. Well, the truth is, I DO have goals for my summer and I am doing my best to achieve them... they just aren't the goals HE wants for me to achieve this summer... namely finding money for school. After he left, I was understandbly annoyed with him, but as the day has progressed, I have become more and more annoyed and somewhat angry at him and his message to me.
Growing up, my parents were amazing. I couldn't ask for better parents when it came to supporting me and my goals and interests. My parents never pressured me in school, and I always worked hard. I wasn't necessarily working hard to please them, more so to please my self and feel like I could accomplished something. I pretty much kept straight A's through middle school, and in high school, kept around a 4.3 gpa all 4 years. They never had any reason to be disappointed in my grades, and more importantly, I never had a reason to be disappointed. But I found as it got closer and closer to college time, my dad became worse and worse about pressure. I never wanted to be around him anymore because everytime we were together, he would bring up money and make me feel like I wasn't doing enough to help him get money for school and like I hadn't already been working my butt off for the last 12 years doing the best I could in school. I had done my part, been accepted to college, earned more than half the cost of my tuition for my freshman year, but he had screwed around in the stock market a couple of years earlier and lost just about everything. Now he was making me pay for his mistakes by shoving all the pressure he was feeling on to me. Not like I wasn't feeling enough, I still had a semester left of school, needed to graduate, had scholarship deadlines out the butt, finals coming up, etc. But he just didn't seem to care about that and kept pushing for me to do more.
I finally got to school this year and finally felt free of his pressure. I was 30 minutes away from him, on my own, and finally working toward my dream. I, like always, worked my butt off first semester... it just didn't seem to be enough. I barely managed a 3.01 and I have to keep a 3.0 for scholarships. The pressure began to build again during second semester. Mostly it was my own pressure to succeed... I felt like I had let myself down first semester even though I knew I did just about all I could. Then it came time to deal with Financial Aid again, filling out FAFSA forms, scholarship applications, deadlines out the butt, and I was taking a harder schedule than I had first semester. I had the opportunity to fill out an app. for a really important scholarship, but I gave up the opportunity because if I had received it, I would have had to do 10 hrs of community service a week on top of my 14 hours in classes, labs, and the growing pile of homework I had. I knew it would only get harder as I progressed in school. My dad failed to see my logic behind my decision, got mad at me, and hung up the phone on me. I knew I should not have told him about the opportunity. So I blamed myself for that one.
I know this is starting to get long, but I guess I just needed to let out all of my frustration about my dad. He used to be so supporting and continually impressed by my work and my decisions, but in the last 2 years, nothing I do seems to be enough. Yes, he still claims to be impressed by me daily, but he just keeps asking me for more. He used to tell me that I tried to do too much. Now, I'm still doing the same amount of work I always have, but instead of it being too much, it is never enough. That is so frustrating to me. Now when I am about to crack under all of the pressure, I can't just stop doing stuff and tell myself that I have time for a break here and there. If i stop now, I feel like I will be letting other people down and not just myself... I feel like my dad will blame me for all of his financial problems for the rest of his life. But I can't do any more than I already am. I just wish he would see that!
Sorry this was so emo filled and what not, I really just meant for it to be an update. I guess I just had some things I needed to get off my mind. If you made it this far, you deserve a cookie... or a hug. Your choice!
Growing up, my parents were amazing. I couldn't ask for better parents when it came to supporting me and my goals and interests. My parents never pressured me in school, and I always worked hard. I wasn't necessarily working hard to please them, more so to please my self and feel like I could accomplished something. I pretty much kept straight A's through middle school, and in high school, kept around a 4.3 gpa all 4 years. They never had any reason to be disappointed in my grades, and more importantly, I never had a reason to be disappointed. But I found as it got closer and closer to college time, my dad became worse and worse about pressure. I never wanted to be around him anymore because everytime we were together, he would bring up money and make me feel like I wasn't doing enough to help him get money for school and like I hadn't already been working my butt off for the last 12 years doing the best I could in school. I had done my part, been accepted to college, earned more than half the cost of my tuition for my freshman year, but he had screwed around in the stock market a couple of years earlier and lost just about everything. Now he was making me pay for his mistakes by shoving all the pressure he was feeling on to me. Not like I wasn't feeling enough, I still had a semester left of school, needed to graduate, had scholarship deadlines out the butt, finals coming up, etc. But he just didn't seem to care about that and kept pushing for me to do more.
I finally got to school this year and finally felt free of his pressure. I was 30 minutes away from him, on my own, and finally working toward my dream. I, like always, worked my butt off first semester... it just didn't seem to be enough. I barely managed a 3.01 and I have to keep a 3.0 for scholarships. The pressure began to build again during second semester. Mostly it was my own pressure to succeed... I felt like I had let myself down first semester even though I knew I did just about all I could. Then it came time to deal with Financial Aid again, filling out FAFSA forms, scholarship applications, deadlines out the butt, and I was taking a harder schedule than I had first semester. I had the opportunity to fill out an app. for a really important scholarship, but I gave up the opportunity because if I had received it, I would have had to do 10 hrs of community service a week on top of my 14 hours in classes, labs, and the growing pile of homework I had. I knew it would only get harder as I progressed in school. My dad failed to see my logic behind my decision, got mad at me, and hung up the phone on me. I knew I should not have told him about the opportunity. So I blamed myself for that one.
I know this is starting to get long, but I guess I just needed to let out all of my frustration about my dad. He used to be so supporting and continually impressed by my work and my decisions, but in the last 2 years, nothing I do seems to be enough. Yes, he still claims to be impressed by me daily, but he just keeps asking me for more. He used to tell me that I tried to do too much. Now, I'm still doing the same amount of work I always have, but instead of it being too much, it is never enough. That is so frustrating to me. Now when I am about to crack under all of the pressure, I can't just stop doing stuff and tell myself that I have time for a break here and there. If i stop now, I feel like I will be letting other people down and not just myself... I feel like my dad will blame me for all of his financial problems for the rest of his life. But I can't do any more than I already am. I just wish he would see that!
Sorry this was so emo filled and what not, I really just meant for it to be an update. I guess I just had some things I needed to get off my mind. If you made it this far, you deserve a cookie... or a hug. Your choice!