Flappy Gum Syndrome and Diarrhea of the Fingers

[bowtrunckle]

A meta by karenmiller got me thinking about Dean and Sam and the overturning of their belief systems since S2 ("HotH") and how that would affect their actions at the end of S4.  I started typing my response only to find I wrote way too much to politely post as a comment (oops), so I'm posting my thoughts here because nobody cares if I pollute my own journal

Comments

[galathea_snb]

God is no longer this benevolent force, granting the prayers and rewarding those that believe because, in Sam's mind, how could God do those things if He/She/It/Whatever let Dean, a good person who saves lives and who sacrificed himself, go to Hell?

Which is pretty much the same argumentat why Dean lost his own faith when he was 4 years old. He couldn't reconciliate the fact that God allowed random evil to kill Mary, who was a believer, with the thought of a benevolent power and hence abandoned God alltogether.

His Faith has been replaced with a last ditch desperate grab for something good to come out of "his curse" because I think he believes that he might be able to save himself if his actions save lives.

I do believe this as well. It harks back to Playthings where Sam thought that if he only saved enough lives, he could change his own destiny. Back then I think he still thought of God as the saving grace, who would protect him if he only proved to be good enough. Nowadays, I think he feels forsaken by God, his brother and the world and he needs to prove them all wrong, even if it kills him in the process.

[bowtrunckle]

Which is pretty much the same argumentat why Dean lost his own faith when he was 4

Good point! And to add to that, I bet John's belief system also overhauled as a result of those events. Seems like Sam is just following in the footsteps of those that have come before him.

[Sam] feels forsaken by God, his brother and the world and he needs to prove them all wrong, even if it kills him in the process.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Even though I don't think Sam is overtly suicidal, I don't doubt that thought has never crossed his mind, esp. with recent turn of events. Sam's always prided himself on his independence, and I bet he's the last one who ever thought he's be dependent on an addictive substance or even dependent on Ruby, a DEMON, for his fix. If he can't even clean himself from "his curse" I think he probably wants to die, esp. if that means other people will live. Because Sam is afraid of himself and what he's becoming as much (if not more) than anyone else. Recall his words in S2 about him telling Dean if he becomes something "he's not" then he needs to be killed. O_o This certainly doesn't bode well for the season finale.