Ha ha - a post
Yesterday I made a plan for dinner for the week. Monday I was going to experiment with the whole chicken I bought on sale, Tuesday sirloin tips, wednesday stew, thursday taco night, friday southern style pulled pork. We have been doing better about packing our lunch, so I set a goal of packing our lunches every day so we wouldn't buy food. We went grocery shopping off of an ingredient list I had organized into different departments of the store. We didn't forget anything.
Tonight I worked until after 6:30 - I didn't walk through the door until 7pm. Ice bear asked me if I was still making dinner. I said yes, internally kicking myself for planning a meal that would take 2 hours to cook (and that's after prep time.) I pulled out my dutch oven and went to work - at 9:30 we finally ate.
The chicken in a pot came out tasty. I'm sure a professional cook would find all sorts of things wrong with it - the balance was off or whatever. Ice bear got seconds and I also cleaned my plate, which is really good enough for me at this stage of the game. At Ice bear's suggestion I hopped up and made fake garlic cheesy bread to go with it as well. The whole meal was something some lady in italy a thousand years ago made and that feels great. I'm slowly getting closer to my goal of being able to take some spices, some veggies, and some live animal and turn it into a meal.
I realized a couple of things while I was in the shower before bed tonight. One, I've stopped thinking of myself as a spiritual person, but that isn't true. When I had the chicken on my board (before I stuffed the cut lemon and rosemary up it's ass) I said a prayer and a thank you for its life. I recognized that it probably came from a crappy factory farm and that I should be buying free range because we have the means to do it and chickens deserve better when possible. I sort of take saying thanks to the animal and plant life I'm consuming for granted, but I realize not everyone does it.
I've also stopped thinking of myself as a slave or servant. I'm in a 99% vanilla relationship now and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I miss some of the crazy kink things but I wouldn't trade 2 minutes of this life for 2 days of my old one. Tonight (after I had cooked and made the kitchen a mess) I told Ice bear that he had to put the food away. He got grumpy because I didn't ask, I told. I got angry because I had literally not stopped until 10pm and he'd had a nap after work. Then I got up and went out to clean up the kitchen.
He came out to help me, turning me around and kissing me first. He apologized for making me mad and explained it was how I didn't ask, not that I wanted him to do it. I agreed and helped put things away and clean up.
I'm not a slave anymore. But cleaning up the kitchen, that same feeling I used to get when I was a slave came back. The biggest problem with me and slavery (other than my problem with giving up control) is that I was always afraid I was being taken advantage of. I counted the back and forths to make sure I wasn't being used because lets face it - many of the people with slave hearts are. In my relationship now I'm not afraid of that. Oh, I still catch myself worrying a bit. But Ice bear is so giving, so loving and open that I really can't be scared of it without falling into full blown paranoia. Because he has taken the last two years to teach me how to trust him, I love doing things for him. Plus I know relationships are about give and take, 60/40 instead of 50/50 because trying to be 50/50 will tear you up. That advice makes it easier to just let go and enjoy giving to someone I love.
I love cooking for him, seeing him enjoy my hard work. I enjoy keeping the kitchen clean so we have a house we can be proud of, together. I love that he does the laundry so I don't have to and it makes me willing to do any other chore if he asks - even taking out the trash. Love and trust grease the wheels and surprise - I find that same quiet joy in doing and giving that I found when I was exploring consentual slavery.
On a related note, I also felt myself get a little more mature. I realized that now with a house and dogs, any slacker time I want has to be paid for by my partner and vice versa. Then I realized that truely, all slacker time is paid for by someone. Sometimes it's just robbing yourself of the time to be growing and learning, but all rest has to be paid for.
This is what life is. Hard work, good food and someone you love sleeping next to you. Standing in my kitchen, stuffing lemons up a chickens ass while my oil heated in my cast iron dutch oven, I connected. I was present in what I was doing. It didn't matter that I'd had a long hard day. In the moment, I was every woman who cooked out of love, and I was happy.
Who knew I could find my slave heart in my vanilla relationship?