(no subject)
Right now, things are okay-- bordering on good. They haven't been though. And I can only write about them now because I'm not in the thick of it. The thick of it is ugly and looks like me sitting on the filthy bathroom floor in the middle of the night, blubbering uncontrollably and blowing thick snot from my nose every few minutes. It's not cute.
I get so worried about Emma and about how things will change. I feel like this baby was meant to be and I don't doubt that I will love him/her. I just don't want to push Emma into a land of isolation and bitterness and jealousy. She's such a happy baby and our time together has been like this first-love all-consuming love affair (as weird as that sounds with a baby--but other parents will understand), and now I'm worried we're going to end up in this long-distance relationship. Like she'll need me, but I'll be oceans away with another little person. This was all very dramatic and upsetting last night. It brought up shit about my mother and my feelings of abandonment (of course) and it just made me so scared and even got me wishing for things I never should.
And today I actually thought that one of those things was spontaneously happening, and I felt so wracked with guilt (such a common thread of thinking lately) even though there was a hint of relief. It wasn't happening, though. I don't think so, anyways. I think I was just feeling the normal pains and discomforts of pregnancy and my wacko brain was connecting dots that shouldn't stayed many constellations apart.
And now I'm feeling glad that the thing didn't happen. We've been talking about names and having girl and boy names picked out makes it feel more real. It makes me feel closer to this little kidney bean.
I know this baby is coming to teach me something. I know this baby is coming with a purpose. I know these things in the deepest recesses of my being. And yet, my body still wants to fight against them and bubble up with worry. I know I need to trust the universe to show me everything that this life will bring. I know I know I know. But it's so hard to sit back and know-- and BELIEVE-- when logic tells me how HARD it's all going to be and it just screams insecurities at me about not being enough and destroying what was beautiful.
I get so worried about Emma and about how things will change. I feel like this baby was meant to be and I don't doubt that I will love him/her. I just don't want to push Emma into a land of isolation and bitterness and jealousy. She's such a happy baby and our time together has been like this first-love all-consuming love affair (as weird as that sounds with a baby--but other parents will understand), and now I'm worried we're going to end up in this long-distance relationship. Like she'll need me, but I'll be oceans away with another little person. This was all very dramatic and upsetting last night. It brought up shit about my mother and my feelings of abandonment (of course) and it just made me so scared and even got me wishing for things I never should.
And today I actually thought that one of those things was spontaneously happening, and I felt so wracked with guilt (such a common thread of thinking lately) even though there was a hint of relief. It wasn't happening, though. I don't think so, anyways. I think I was just feeling the normal pains and discomforts of pregnancy and my wacko brain was connecting dots that shouldn't stayed many constellations apart.
And now I'm feeling glad that the thing didn't happen. We've been talking about names and having girl and boy names picked out makes it feel more real. It makes me feel closer to this little kidney bean.
I know this baby is coming to teach me something. I know this baby is coming with a purpose. I know these things in the deepest recesses of my being. And yet, my body still wants to fight against them and bubble up with worry. I know I need to trust the universe to show me everything that this life will bring. I know I know I know. But it's so hard to sit back and know-- and BELIEVE-- when logic tells me how HARD it's all going to be and it just screams insecurities at me about not being enough and destroying what was beautiful.