once again i try to fool myself into believing... it's what i'm good at.
2005 is upon us... but more importantly, 2004 is gone... 2004 was one of, if not the, best year of my life.
meeting soooo many new people
spring break cali trip with the guys
4th of july trip with guys and girls
relationships beginning
relationships ending
introduction of flip cup, baseball, chandalier, etc.
leaving M.A. Flug to return home
melting pot, movies, sleeping, wishing, learning
snowboard trips. sledding. drinking.
realizing the people that i want in my life.
realizing the people that i need in my life.
this past summer alone was definately the best summer i have ever had. i made bonds with people that i know won't be broken and for that i'm impossibly grateful. 4th of july, the trip, the booze, the walk, the fireworks, and the kiss... when i look back on it i can't help but smile but i almost scream thinking about how much has changed since then... rediculous... like i think of it now and there were so many times it was all just so incredibly good, like my memories make me smile and i get this feeling that's just so amazing... and then it comes crashing back to reality. i wish i could control time. and go back and re-experience all the little moments because i fear i took them for granted at the time. or maybe fast forward through what i fear has to come.
looking back on it now, the year started and ended with endings. so strange, so hard.
to be honest, 2004 did not end the way i wanted it to, and for that i'm sorry. sorry to all of you i let down, sorry to myself. but there are things out of your control, and accepting this reality and dealing with it instead of trying to avoid it is beneficial.
now i hate new years resolutions and shit because people act like since it's new years they can say things will change, as if they couldn't have said that some other time during the year and taken action... but i'm going to try to become a better person, all around, in all aspects. i think there are a lot of things that i do wrong and it's not always things that make me a bad person, but also things that make my life more difficult. i'm on my way, some things have already started to take shape, dealing with it is the hard part.
i miss a lot of people. and some i know i will continue to miss for a long time to come. 2004 taught me that things don't always turn out how you want them. this year has also taught me, though, that things can go back to the way they were, sometimes better... but also that sometimes things can't ever be the same. i'm still looking for that special ingredient that determines which of these it is, so i can take more control over what happens.
03 and 04 were years where i learned so much about myself it makes me wonder if i knew anything about myself to begin with. but that makes sense. now's the time when i should be learning, and should be deciding who i am, what i stand for, and what i want. if 05 is anything like the previous two years, it's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but i can't wait.
even now i have so much i want to say but i'm too scared to say it. as if i'll be judged. god i need to grow up.
my cousin who is in ICU has gotten worse. today she stopped responding to medication. i don't want her to die... more than anything in the world right now all i want is for her to live, and get married, and for her and her fiance to continue being there for each other... to continue giving me hope. she doesn't deserve to die.
by the way, sorry to everyone that i didn't see tonight. i love all of you and hope you had a great time and that you are all safe and asleep in your beds. happy new year everyone.
meeting soooo many new people
spring break cali trip with the guys
4th of july trip with guys and girls
relationships beginning
relationships ending
introduction of flip cup, baseball, chandalier, etc.
leaving M.A. Flug to return home
melting pot, movies, sleeping, wishing, learning
snowboard trips. sledding. drinking.
realizing the people that i want in my life.
realizing the people that i need in my life.
this past summer alone was definately the best summer i have ever had. i made bonds with people that i know won't be broken and for that i'm impossibly grateful. 4th of july, the trip, the booze, the walk, the fireworks, and the kiss... when i look back on it i can't help but smile but i almost scream thinking about how much has changed since then... rediculous... like i think of it now and there were so many times it was all just so incredibly good, like my memories make me smile and i get this feeling that's just so amazing... and then it comes crashing back to reality. i wish i could control time. and go back and re-experience all the little moments because i fear i took them for granted at the time. or maybe fast forward through what i fear has to come.
looking back on it now, the year started and ended with endings. so strange, so hard.
to be honest, 2004 did not end the way i wanted it to, and for that i'm sorry. sorry to all of you i let down, sorry to myself. but there are things out of your control, and accepting this reality and dealing with it instead of trying to avoid it is beneficial.
now i hate new years resolutions and shit because people act like since it's new years they can say things will change, as if they couldn't have said that some other time during the year and taken action... but i'm going to try to become a better person, all around, in all aspects. i think there are a lot of things that i do wrong and it's not always things that make me a bad person, but also things that make my life more difficult. i'm on my way, some things have already started to take shape, dealing with it is the hard part.
i miss a lot of people. and some i know i will continue to miss for a long time to come. 2004 taught me that things don't always turn out how you want them. this year has also taught me, though, that things can go back to the way they were, sometimes better... but also that sometimes things can't ever be the same. i'm still looking for that special ingredient that determines which of these it is, so i can take more control over what happens.
03 and 04 were years where i learned so much about myself it makes me wonder if i knew anything about myself to begin with. but that makes sense. now's the time when i should be learning, and should be deciding who i am, what i stand for, and what i want. if 05 is anything like the previous two years, it's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but i can't wait.
even now i have so much i want to say but i'm too scared to say it. as if i'll be judged. god i need to grow up.
my cousin who is in ICU has gotten worse. today she stopped responding to medication. i don't want her to die... more than anything in the world right now all i want is for her to live, and get married, and for her and her fiance to continue being there for each other... to continue giving me hope. she doesn't deserve to die.
by the way, sorry to everyone that i didn't see tonight. i love all of you and hope you had a great time and that you are all safe and asleep in your beds. happy new year everyone.