the world feels like an empty stage
take a hint, stop texting me. it's just awkward and although i know i should actually say it straight out, i also think you should be able to take the hint and give me some space.
in other news, it's really fucking hot here in vantucky. this weekend's pdx pop now left me braindead, exhausted, and crowded by moshers and crowd surfers. it also, however, gave me alot of time in portland with some great music, some great people, some great places, some wonderful memories, and also with some of my adolescent illusions restored to me. which is a mixed blessing. i sort of miss the emotional rollercoaster that went along with middle school and highschool, but sometimes i also feel like it's easier to cope with my feelings when i just feel sort of dead inside.
although really i mostly miss that rollercoaster. of being able to feel drastic highs and lows. of even being moved to tears for no good reason except for my own thoughts and social anxieties. of being able to find something or someone to fall head over heels about. that's sort of an aspect of myself that i've started trying to revive since january, because feeling like a part of me died in that relationship just left me even more full of regret and bitterness. that aspect of myself that loves dramatic emotions and art and passion and finding alternatives from the norm, of social experiences and experiments, of creating art without any particular vision, just as some kind of meditation and introspection. diving back into what i really wanted to be and understand.
it's really too hot to think or make things make sense. my parent's house is not air conditioned. i would like to be at home. i would like for it to be cloudy and dark and rainy and smell like dirt and grass and water, with leaves going gold. i'm sorry, winter, that i didn't really appreciate you like i should have. i want a coat and layers and scarves and boots, and i also want to be back in classrooms and lecture halls, because for some masochistic reason i have a real fondness for sitting in class and taking notes. or reading while i should be taking notes. or facebooking while i should be taking notes. anyways, i'm at my parent's and there's nothing to do.
i miss being five. i also miss being a socially awkward, twerpy little middle schooler. i think i might have been a lot happier.
on the upside, i have a movie recommendation: The Hobbit, made for TV in 1977, by Bass and Rankin. definitely a worthwhile animation for a lazy afternoon/evening.
IMDB says that Guillermo del Toro is making The Hobbit due for release in 2011, with (rumored) ian mckellen as gandalf and andy serkis as gollum. all of the elements in that sentence make me want to cry with joy. i also want to find the LOTR animations by ralph bakshi, because Bass and Rankin were just on acid and should never have been allowed to take over that project.
another weird regret; that somehow i grew out of being an anime kid. if i had continued on that vein, i could be a full on cosplayer, going to conventions and shit. it'd be epic. i still really like a lot of anime; it's like anything else, there's good anime, and there's bad anime. what bugs me the most is the attitude that so many people take on japanese animation because of weird anime kids who lost some of their distinctions between reality, when really alot of anime is full of really talented artists that aren't always appreciated because of stigmas that go along with the artform.
time to make a salad. glad i had that little rant about a few things that have been on and off my mind. i hope you didn't actually read all of it.
-anna