i want my brain to die...
i have to get ready for school in 1 hour... i haven't gotten good sleep since like friday night i think. my doctor is a strange man. he told me "she cant hurt you... you can only let yourself be hurt." whaaat a load of craaaaaap. she hurts me very badly. either she doesnt even know (or care) or shes trying really hard... i am gonna lean towards the doesnt even know or care option though... with the way cassie has been acting over the last month that i have been trying to interact with her i have a hard time imagining her sitting up all night crying and beating her brains out about how she could have tried harder to make our marriage work... i read something like 2 minutes ago that said that drinking and throwing away everything she ever gave me and sacrificially burning all of her pictures wasnt going to help me get over it. what this article said was that i am supposed to pick through the burning wreckage and ask myself all the really hard questions and start placing the blame on me... so i am gonna try it and if anyone has outside input then by all means throw it down. and so help me god if i get a "because your an asshole and you treated her like crap..." you will fucking disappear. so the first thing that i have come to blame myself for was that i spent a lot of time going through the house looking for things... the way i grew up you dont go by if you arent looking for a problem there isnt one. i got the feeling one day that she was being dishonest with me and over time i found a lot of proof that sort of mushed the sled a little bit. the second thing is that i sorta saw this coming... see i actually sorta want to blame brigid for taking her to that stupid party back in like march last year... but i cant really cause its not her fault how the fuck could she know this was gonna happen... so when i sorta saw this coming i only really dealt with it in small bursts. i gained a lot of new things to do to keep my mind off of it. i guess avoiding a problem like that didnt help it at all huh? but all this therapy bullshit aside i am really really pissed off about a lot of things... the first of which being that she talks a lot of shit about me but blocks it all so she can essentially say what ever she wants and the weak minded masses believe it because "hey why the hell not men are pigs anyways especially ones in the army" and hey she told everybody that i was some kind of mistreating fucking psycho anyways so what do i really have to lose. so i dont actually get a chance to defend myself which is pretty fuckin low... the second being that i showed up to get some of my stuff like 3 days after i moved out and i'll be damned if fry didnt hide... yeah i said it he was hiding... now whether or not this was cause cassie didnt want me to know yet or not i dont know but still thats pretty weak... hey stand up for what you believe in and if this pisses you off set a date place and time and i'll come alone with out a weapon i dont care... hey here ya go i'll come late so you'll ahve plenty of time to find a big rock to hit me with. i dont care you took the one thing that mattered most so why dont YOU pull the trigger so i dont have to... i hope this is real enough i dont get out my emotions unless i am really drunk. P.S... i've been drinking. the next thing that i am pissed about is the fact that last year on my birthday she was flirting with fry over the internet... yeah cassie all those times you thought you were being sneaky and turning so your laptop screen was away from me... yeah i know what you were doing. all of what you were doing not just the fry thing. my birthday... what the fuck. and like i said... none of this really matters. the only reason i still write in this thing is cause my new doctor wanted me to do an online journal so he could monitor my progress with out me having to go in to his office so much... soooo here i am, almost 24, drunk, divorced, depressed, and i hate my life... that enough for you doc? i know that this is gonna land me on 5 north... i cant fuckin wait i'll join the ranks of stupid motherfuckers who went crazy cause some one fucked with there head... there are a lot of things that happen as well that i cant to this day explain... like why it is i defend cassie when my dad calls her a bitch or a cunt... or why it is that i tell my sweet grandma dina that i dont think cassie was just using me to pay her way through college. i still love her so much but hate her at the same time... i just wish all this torture would fucking stop... i honest to god envy the guys who got blown up and there brain is so fucked that they cant remember where they are... if i was like that it would be bliss i could just forget everything... i dont want to love anymore or ever again... i dont fucking want to care about anything or anyone... i just want my world to end... oh yeah i reallize that this blows the "im ok" journal entry out of the fuckin water... and the worst part about all of this is that im on anti depressants right now... yay for pills lets medicate till we cant feel our faces then proceed to hate our lives even more and then when the pills wear off then i have even more problems and then you have reached the level we like to call "really fucked" ive got this one down. thats the one where you essentially turn into a slug with salt on him... you hit the ground and start writhing around crying and getting all snotty on everything and you cant really control it. you just lay there and cry and pray to god to let your heart stop beating or you walk around olympia all night with an extra $50 in your wallet and pray someone mugs you so you can provoke them into stabbing/shooting you and hopefully you dont die to quickly cause hey thats about the only thing in the next month i am predicting that i am gonna enjoy. dying. i am so tired of being fake to everyone i meet everyday... the only reason i do it is beacuse i know if i dont then noone will talk to me. i have too many fucking problems for the average person to deal with. so if i start with my problems people just walk the fuck away cause hey they have no obligation to care. so fuck it. there is no getting over this. time heals all wounds but i'll be damned if deep wounds dont leave nasty fuckin scars and those scars never go away. i cant even say that this is the first time i've been cheated on either... it happened to me by one of my exs and she ended up marrying the guy and there still together. maybe im starting a new trend. or maybe i really am the mistreating psycho motherfucker that just doesnt deserve ordinary kindness from anyone. either way like i said i dont think any of it fucking matters...