it still hurts...
umm... i know that things are getting better... i know that i am glad that i am alive even though i should be dead. though a lot of things still hurt really bad. it may sound really stupid but i celebrated and mourned today... i celebrated that today i have made it one month only being half a human and have not yet managed to kill myself (close but no cigar). i mourned for the obvious reason that i cant even order french fries without getting so angry i want to split someones head open with a cleaver. i get really mad at myself. i am so horribly socially inept and i have no class... i went to a party last night with my friend... it was a college party with a bunch of really dumb frat girls and even dumber college guys... i lasted in the house for about half an hour and then grabbed my half rack of beers and proceeded to get lit on the front porch in the freezing cold all by myself. my friend tried to come and talk to me but i told him to get fucked and that i drink with my problems and that they are best served cold. after about 10 drinks i proceeded to scare off the girl that was talking to me, almost get in a fight with some stupid navy guy, piss off the neighbors, pass out on the shitter and fall asleep on the kitchen floor underneath a dish towel that someone said was a blanket. when i woke up in the morning all i wanted to do was get the hell out of there because i felt like a total ass... essentially i was a total ass... my car was blocked in though and i had to sit there and wait for enough people to move so i could leave. i still reallize that my life in its current path is mostly simple. all i have to do is finish school and keep it together long enough to settle into a decent job. after that i am made. but in the wake of my recent new beginning i cant help but dwell on the past because i feel used and fucked over... i feel like i never had the chance to be okay with what happened whilst she had her route out pre planned before she gave me the boot... i know this factually mostly because through sources unnamed (and unwanted) i read that fry was happy that he and cassie had been back together for a month and a day... this makes things hurt because i was under the impression that there was a 2 day window between me being ousted and a new guy taking the reigns... ha i guess the jokes on me again... ouch. like i said i want to move on... i really dont know how i am being this kind about the whole ordeal... i told cassie a few days ago that maybe as time went by we could hammer this out and be friends again but i am rethinking that right now. we have a lot of history but truth be told i dont think i give a shit. see theres this feeling of being used that has stood unsupported for some time now. i am ready to justifiy this. you see i have been making a lot of money in the last 2 years... though i left this marriage with no savings account and a credit card debt that i couldnt pay. i also had to borrow money from my parents to get my own place. now one month later i have double paid on my car, paid of my credit card, paid back my family and still have 400 dollars to spare. i also paid a phone bill that was molested with overage charges that cassie racked up talking to fry while we were still married. not to mention that cassie started this shit with fry in april last year... maybe sooner i dont know... though she had no problem taking and taking and taking up until the time that she was ready to cut out... i say this because if she wants to use her livejournal to say that i treated her poorly and told her to shut up and made her life miserable i am gonna tell the fuckin truth about what went on... i tried to the brinks of my sanity to get her to open up to me and all she would say is "everything is fine". then she tells the entire fucking internet that i never tried to make the relationship work... well fuck that and fuck all of you who think less of me... let me guess though... the defense is that she was afraid to tell me. ha what with all the threats of physical violence i made towards her (sarcasm). i love her and as much as i want that to change i cant make it happen. all i can do is rip my own heart out in silent contempt to the situation at hand... i am alone. i am afraid. and no... i will not apologize to you anymore. i will never apologize to anyone ever again. fuck you. all of you.