Boyfriend in "cave"
Hey,
Does anyone else out there understand men and why they need to retreat to their "caves" when they are pondering or struggling with a personal issue? It's a trip to me. It is such the opposite of what I need as a woman. I need to be with people I love who will listen to me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I need to be held, loved, reminded that this too shall pass. Men (most men), on the other hand, need to retreat. Be alone. Figure out the solution themselves.
My boyfriend, Jim, is in the midst of that. I am trying really hard to respect his needs and stay out of the way. But, it's HARD! I keep wanting to call him, comfort him, offer my suggestions, remind him that I am here for him. I want reassurance that this has nothing to do with us. He has graciously given me that, but it seems like a few days go by and I start doubting again. It started last Monday, so it's been a week now. Most of the time, I have been fine with his reaction. Actually, I feel good that I am giving him what he needs without freaking out about him being distant. I keep telling myself, he's in his "cave" and will emerge eventually.
Last Monday, we were at a meeting and there was a guy loudly cracking open sunflower seeds. I didn't even notice it. Jim has a thing about making noise while eating. He literally can't stand crunching, popping, cracking etc. To him, it makes him go beserk. I know the root of it is that he used to get smacked by his dad when he was a child for making noise. How stupid is that?! I get infuriated at parents that slap around their children for stupid shit like that! How about lovingly teaching them how to conduct themselves in life? What about positive reinforcement for doing the right thing? He didn't get that. There are some things you literally can't eat quietly. He has lashed out at me a couple of times when I've been eating raw carrots or hard candy. There is nothing you can do to stop a noise from being produced. I don't care if you have your mouth closed and be as polite as you possibly can be, it will still make a noise! I have gotten very offended when he gets upset with me because it's not like I'm doing it intentionally or specifically to upset him. The bottom line is that he reverts to being that little boy that was slapped around.
So, last Monday night he glanced at the guy a few times to try to give him the signal but Jim felt the guy intentionally got louder. Now, remember I'm oblivous to all this. I'm quietly focused on the speaker and enjoying myself. Finally, Jim abruptly gets up and says "sorry, honey I can't take this. I have to go". So he went out to the car. I stayed in the meeting, struggling with whether I should run after him and rescue him or if I should detach and let him be with his difficulty so he can figure it out on his own. I chose the later.
He was upset with his reaction and admitted he was very confused about his feelings. On his way out, they guy said to Jim in a sarcastic way "Keep coming back". That pissed Jim off, so he is wrestling with whether he has a right to be pissed and upset with this guy or is he is the one that is being too sensitive. I SO badly want to step in and give him my two cents, but I know it's not my place unless he asks for it. But, just to get is out I'll say it here. I think he needs to get a sponsor (he hasn't had one is 2+ years and it really bugs me) or see a therapist so he can get a chance to have someone guide him with working thru the pain of his childhood and the resentment he has towards his father. It will never go away by itself. He will always be plagued by this (and other stuff) until he walks thru the pain. The AA program is designed to walk you thru these resentments, but without a sponsor it's not happening.
I think he's also freaking out about money. He doesn't make much to start with, but the company he works for has been struggling and they are forced to take a day off without pay now and then because there is not enough work. He bounced a check and got hit with a bunch of penalty charges and he has a really hard time understanding the banking system. This is hard for me because I work with numbers and that stuff comes very easliy to me. I also get in tons of fear about the possibility of him being financially irresponsible. I don't think he is, but shit like this scares me. I vowed to myself I would never be with an irresponsible man. I work too hard to stay responsible myself. I haven't lived with anyone since my divorce 10+ years ago (except my kids) and I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone else come into my life and screw it up. Nuh-uh! I don't think so. Do I sound rigid? I am. My ex was very irresponsible and I won't put myself in a position of nagging. I don't even want to have to ask if something got done. I shouldn't have to. Jim is a responsible guy overall, but doesn't have the financial means to juggle everything all the time. I make a whole lot more money than him, so I'm able to have a cushion to fall back on. Anyway, I think this is part of his dilemna this week.
In my message to him this morning, I asked him if we could take a moment tonight to connect. I miss him. I have seen him a few times last week, but nothing like we normally do. I also haven't talked to him much, trying to be respectful of his needs. I just need to know he is ok. That's all. It's hard to stay out of it, but I think I'm doing ok. He said I was doing fabulous and he really appreciated me giving him this time. That made me feel good. It makes me very happy to give him what he needs. He is observant and open to fulfilling my needs also, so it goes both ways with us. He is kind of guy that will just ask what I need. Isn't that cool? I just love this guy! We've been dating for 2 years and my kids love him. Now my boys have not liked boyfriends in the past, and believe me they can be quite obnoxious and not nice when that happens. So, I feel grateful that they like him
Ok....that's it for now.
Does anyone else out there understand men and why they need to retreat to their "caves" when they are pondering or struggling with a personal issue? It's a trip to me. It is such the opposite of what I need as a woman. I need to be with people I love who will listen to me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I need to be held, loved, reminded that this too shall pass. Men (most men), on the other hand, need to retreat. Be alone. Figure out the solution themselves.
My boyfriend, Jim, is in the midst of that. I am trying really hard to respect his needs and stay out of the way. But, it's HARD! I keep wanting to call him, comfort him, offer my suggestions, remind him that I am here for him. I want reassurance that this has nothing to do with us. He has graciously given me that, but it seems like a few days go by and I start doubting again. It started last Monday, so it's been a week now. Most of the time, I have been fine with his reaction. Actually, I feel good that I am giving him what he needs without freaking out about him being distant. I keep telling myself, he's in his "cave" and will emerge eventually.
Last Monday, we were at a meeting and there was a guy loudly cracking open sunflower seeds. I didn't even notice it. Jim has a thing about making noise while eating. He literally can't stand crunching, popping, cracking etc. To him, it makes him go beserk. I know the root of it is that he used to get smacked by his dad when he was a child for making noise. How stupid is that?! I get infuriated at parents that slap around their children for stupid shit like that! How about lovingly teaching them how to conduct themselves in life? What about positive reinforcement for doing the right thing? He didn't get that. There are some things you literally can't eat quietly. He has lashed out at me a couple of times when I've been eating raw carrots or hard candy. There is nothing you can do to stop a noise from being produced. I don't care if you have your mouth closed and be as polite as you possibly can be, it will still make a noise! I have gotten very offended when he gets upset with me because it's not like I'm doing it intentionally or specifically to upset him. The bottom line is that he reverts to being that little boy that was slapped around.
So, last Monday night he glanced at the guy a few times to try to give him the signal but Jim felt the guy intentionally got louder. Now, remember I'm oblivous to all this. I'm quietly focused on the speaker and enjoying myself. Finally, Jim abruptly gets up and says "sorry, honey I can't take this. I have to go". So he went out to the car. I stayed in the meeting, struggling with whether I should run after him and rescue him or if I should detach and let him be with his difficulty so he can figure it out on his own. I chose the later.
He was upset with his reaction and admitted he was very confused about his feelings. On his way out, they guy said to Jim in a sarcastic way "Keep coming back". That pissed Jim off, so he is wrestling with whether he has a right to be pissed and upset with this guy or is he is the one that is being too sensitive. I SO badly want to step in and give him my two cents, but I know it's not my place unless he asks for it. But, just to get is out I'll say it here. I think he needs to get a sponsor (he hasn't had one is 2+ years and it really bugs me) or see a therapist so he can get a chance to have someone guide him with working thru the pain of his childhood and the resentment he has towards his father. It will never go away by itself. He will always be plagued by this (and other stuff) until he walks thru the pain. The AA program is designed to walk you thru these resentments, but without a sponsor it's not happening.
I think he's also freaking out about money. He doesn't make much to start with, but the company he works for has been struggling and they are forced to take a day off without pay now and then because there is not enough work. He bounced a check and got hit with a bunch of penalty charges and he has a really hard time understanding the banking system. This is hard for me because I work with numbers and that stuff comes very easliy to me. I also get in tons of fear about the possibility of him being financially irresponsible. I don't think he is, but shit like this scares me. I vowed to myself I would never be with an irresponsible man. I work too hard to stay responsible myself. I haven't lived with anyone since my divorce 10+ years ago (except my kids) and I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone else come into my life and screw it up. Nuh-uh! I don't think so. Do I sound rigid? I am. My ex was very irresponsible and I won't put myself in a position of nagging. I don't even want to have to ask if something got done. I shouldn't have to. Jim is a responsible guy overall, but doesn't have the financial means to juggle everything all the time. I make a whole lot more money than him, so I'm able to have a cushion to fall back on. Anyway, I think this is part of his dilemna this week.
In my message to him this morning, I asked him if we could take a moment tonight to connect. I miss him. I have seen him a few times last week, but nothing like we normally do. I also haven't talked to him much, trying to be respectful of his needs. I just need to know he is ok. That's all. It's hard to stay out of it, but I think I'm doing ok. He said I was doing fabulous and he really appreciated me giving him this time. That made me feel good. It makes me very happy to give him what he needs. He is observant and open to fulfilling my needs also, so it goes both ways with us. He is kind of guy that will just ask what I need. Isn't that cool? I just love this guy! We've been dating for 2 years and my kids love him. Now my boys have not liked boyfriends in the past, and believe me they can be quite obnoxious and not nice when that happens. So, I feel grateful that they like him
Ok....that's it for now.