Figuring
spent alot of time last three days thinking about things.. and figuring. Héres what i figured out.
-The pain in my neck/collarbone area is muscle related. its called the subclavien mastoid or some such thing. runs from behind your ear, down to your collarbone and splits into two = one side to the breastbone, the other to near your shoulder. if you pinch a nerve in that area, yu can get anyting from a headache, to vertigo, to motion sick, to blurred vision, to jaw pain, to sore throat. (how's that for random symptoms lol) You would figure that if it hurts on the right, you'd stretch your muscle by turning to the left, but not according to the medical website i read today.. you turn it to the right and point your chin down to your shoulder.
i figured out how i did it, i think. i tried for days to figure out why its getting worse and wont go away, and what i did to start it in the first place. couldnt figure it out till i laid on the couch at work with a cushion under my right side of my head... its how i'm sleeping at night, with my ipod in my ears. i['m bunching the pillow up abit and pushing a hole into it where my ear and ear bud go (its a feather pillow). apparently, thats not working.. so i guess flat on my back for 15 minutes if i'm going to listen, or not at all in bed. (sucks)
havent figured out how to get rid of the pain though, but have myself booked for accuprressure on thursday 10 minutes from work.
-Have a pain in my butt. (yep, neck and butt lol). again i googled images (hip muscles) and found out that there is a muscle that goes from your tailbone to the inside of your pelvic girdle. its got a cool name too but i cant remember. in a man, if its sore all the time, its a sure sign of prostate troubles. not sure about women. its also called your pelvic floor if that makes any sense. kinda neat to see the hip area with just muscle and bone and no internal organs. (google is great)
so again, trying to figure out what i did and how and why. i've been gardening but in the past i'd get lower back pain and i dont this time. and it hurts more sitting than it does weight bearing (which is what the internet site said too). So we're out picking up debris from the hedge trimming, and i dont squat down to do it, my legs wont hold me up. i bend from the waist and in order not to use my back wrong, i usually put my feet further way from each other and lean abit. (plus i'm not limber anymore in the back of the leg). So i did it tonight and voilá! Same pain, same place. I tried putting my feet closer together, and when i bend over, bend my knees and stick my butt out more rather than tuck in under (which is how they say you're supposed to do squats with weights actually)., when i did that - no pain.
- more figuring. there is a thing i want to go to sept 12-16 upcountry. its a series of workshops at a very small resort (not really a resort compared to most people's standards but hey, this is Nakusp we're talking about). Anyways, one of the guys who did the doll photo - and who is in the Canadian rock and roll hall of fame, is heading the song wriiting workshops. I really want to go. i've talked to mr b about it a few times, but more seriously tonight. first thing he said is its over three work days. yep. Next thing he said is - thought yu couldnt get any more holiday time off? Thing is that during our summer holidays, i couldnt do more than 10 work days... was hard enough to catch up when i got back as it is. however.. i'm still not workign full time which means hourly wages not salary, which means my vacation isnt paid. which means if i dont get paid vacation - i havent taken my alloted 3 weeks yet. basicially the way i see it, i can take a day off anytime i want if he's not paying me for not being there. (splitting hairs eh?)
so more figuring about this... i cant go alone. there is only camping. i cant tent it. i need the camper. which means mr b has to come too. which is possible, but he'll have to find somethign to do for three days - and if fishing isnt good, he'll be bored silly up there... the town is one small main street and any of his friends will be at work. so looks like it aint gonna happen.
and the figuring i did with this entire scenario?
it made me realize that my entire life i've been finding ways of mentally letting myself down easy so i wont be disappointed and crushed when things i really want or really care about, dont work out. I always try to find reasons for why it wont work. i've done it since i was a child and realized what disappointment was. i've made excuses for why i dont want to go places, or see people, or make things, or whatever... because i know that certain things will never happen no matter how much i wish for it, hope for it, pray for it.
and the other figuring that hit me - because i've done this my entire life - found reasons for why thigns wont work - ive done it not just with things i want and cant have, but its pervaded every other aspect of my life. this is why i'm a pessimistic person at heart - why i look for the shoe to drop, wait for the 'I told you so' moment, etc.
and another discovery (just now as i write this actually)... after coming through the chemo - everyone kept telling me what a positive attitude i had. how 'up' i was. how much i've changed, and how i'm more optimistic etc... and i know why i was like that. I felt that i had brushed with death and come through with a new chance to do things.. things i've been stifling for so many years due to 'committments' and being an 'adult' and whatever you want to call it. The sky was the limit. however... back to reality. Life marches on unfortunately. YOu have to go back to a job, make a living, look after a house and spouse and you cant chuck it all and become a starving artist or join a band and go play clubs. I could if i were much younger, or if i was a man, or if i were single... but i'm none of those things and when you're married, no matter how much your spouse supports you, you're a team and as a team you have goals and plans and you cant chuck it all to follow a dream that most likely will get you nowhere.
i still think i can do anything (within reason) that i put my mind to. If i have the tools to do it (knowledge, drive, determination, support, luck). I guess cause i'm an adult all growed up, i know within myself though, that there are things that i will never be able to do.
( tangent:---> )and it bugs me to no end when teachers and parents tell kids - you can do anything. I hate it!!! dont tell a kid with no ear for music that they can be a rock star. Dont tell a kid who has average intellgence that they can be an astronaut. or the president of the united states - and tell them 'if you only put your mind to it'. If you tell kids that, and they cant do it, they'll grow up thinking they didnt try hard enough, werent smart enough, etc. Encourage them in whatever they show promise in, and tell them there are many things they can grow up to be
anywhoooo. i forgot where i was going with this. (stopping your typing to watch larry king will do that to you). i guess i just wanted to put down on paper why i'm a pessimistic (realistic) person and that i was able to figure this out about myself. (with loads of help i think, from a fiction book i just finished called The Burden by Mary Westmacott aka Agatha Christie - and no its not a murder mystery but a very good story about two sisters)
as for me, my pain will go away hopefully. i'll not do the things that aggrevate it. and i''ll most likely not go to the song writing thing. but i'm going to try my damnest to get into a music lesson this fall closer to home. THAT i can do, with no excuses.
-The pain in my neck/collarbone area is muscle related. its called the subclavien mastoid or some such thing. runs from behind your ear, down to your collarbone and splits into two = one side to the breastbone, the other to near your shoulder. if you pinch a nerve in that area, yu can get anyting from a headache, to vertigo, to motion sick, to blurred vision, to jaw pain, to sore throat. (how's that for random symptoms lol) You would figure that if it hurts on the right, you'd stretch your muscle by turning to the left, but not according to the medical website i read today.. you turn it to the right and point your chin down to your shoulder.
i figured out how i did it, i think. i tried for days to figure out why its getting worse and wont go away, and what i did to start it in the first place. couldnt figure it out till i laid on the couch at work with a cushion under my right side of my head... its how i'm sleeping at night, with my ipod in my ears. i['m bunching the pillow up abit and pushing a hole into it where my ear and ear bud go (its a feather pillow). apparently, thats not working.. so i guess flat on my back for 15 minutes if i'm going to listen, or not at all in bed. (sucks)
havent figured out how to get rid of the pain though, but have myself booked for accuprressure on thursday 10 minutes from work.
-Have a pain in my butt. (yep, neck and butt lol). again i googled images (hip muscles) and found out that there is a muscle that goes from your tailbone to the inside of your pelvic girdle. its got a cool name too but i cant remember. in a man, if its sore all the time, its a sure sign of prostate troubles. not sure about women. its also called your pelvic floor if that makes any sense. kinda neat to see the hip area with just muscle and bone and no internal organs. (google is great)
so again, trying to figure out what i did and how and why. i've been gardening but in the past i'd get lower back pain and i dont this time. and it hurts more sitting than it does weight bearing (which is what the internet site said too). So we're out picking up debris from the hedge trimming, and i dont squat down to do it, my legs wont hold me up. i bend from the waist and in order not to use my back wrong, i usually put my feet further way from each other and lean abit. (plus i'm not limber anymore in the back of the leg). So i did it tonight and voilá! Same pain, same place. I tried putting my feet closer together, and when i bend over, bend my knees and stick my butt out more rather than tuck in under (which is how they say you're supposed to do squats with weights actually)., when i did that - no pain.
- more figuring. there is a thing i want to go to sept 12-16 upcountry. its a series of workshops at a very small resort (not really a resort compared to most people's standards but hey, this is Nakusp we're talking about). Anyways, one of the guys who did the doll photo - and who is in the Canadian rock and roll hall of fame, is heading the song wriiting workshops. I really want to go. i've talked to mr b about it a few times, but more seriously tonight. first thing he said is its over three work days. yep. Next thing he said is - thought yu couldnt get any more holiday time off? Thing is that during our summer holidays, i couldnt do more than 10 work days... was hard enough to catch up when i got back as it is. however.. i'm still not workign full time which means hourly wages not salary, which means my vacation isnt paid. which means if i dont get paid vacation - i havent taken my alloted 3 weeks yet. basicially the way i see it, i can take a day off anytime i want if he's not paying me for not being there. (splitting hairs eh?)
so more figuring about this... i cant go alone. there is only camping. i cant tent it. i need the camper. which means mr b has to come too. which is possible, but he'll have to find somethign to do for three days - and if fishing isnt good, he'll be bored silly up there... the town is one small main street and any of his friends will be at work. so looks like it aint gonna happen.
and the figuring i did with this entire scenario?
it made me realize that my entire life i've been finding ways of mentally letting myself down easy so i wont be disappointed and crushed when things i really want or really care about, dont work out. I always try to find reasons for why it wont work. i've done it since i was a child and realized what disappointment was. i've made excuses for why i dont want to go places, or see people, or make things, or whatever... because i know that certain things will never happen no matter how much i wish for it, hope for it, pray for it.
and the other figuring that hit me - because i've done this my entire life - found reasons for why thigns wont work - ive done it not just with things i want and cant have, but its pervaded every other aspect of my life. this is why i'm a pessimistic person at heart - why i look for the shoe to drop, wait for the 'I told you so' moment, etc.
and another discovery (just now as i write this actually)... after coming through the chemo - everyone kept telling me what a positive attitude i had. how 'up' i was. how much i've changed, and how i'm more optimistic etc... and i know why i was like that. I felt that i had brushed with death and come through with a new chance to do things.. things i've been stifling for so many years due to 'committments' and being an 'adult' and whatever you want to call it. The sky was the limit. however... back to reality. Life marches on unfortunately. YOu have to go back to a job, make a living, look after a house and spouse and you cant chuck it all and become a starving artist or join a band and go play clubs. I could if i were much younger, or if i was a man, or if i were single... but i'm none of those things and when you're married, no matter how much your spouse supports you, you're a team and as a team you have goals and plans and you cant chuck it all to follow a dream that most likely will get you nowhere.
i still think i can do anything (within reason) that i put my mind to. If i have the tools to do it (knowledge, drive, determination, support, luck). I guess cause i'm an adult all growed up, i know within myself though, that there are things that i will never be able to do.
( tangent:---> )and it bugs me to no end when teachers and parents tell kids - you can do anything. I hate it!!! dont tell a kid with no ear for music that they can be a rock star. Dont tell a kid who has average intellgence that they can be an astronaut. or the president of the united states - and tell them 'if you only put your mind to it'. If you tell kids that, and they cant do it, they'll grow up thinking they didnt try hard enough, werent smart enough, etc. Encourage them in whatever they show promise in, and tell them there are many things they can grow up to be
anywhoooo. i forgot where i was going with this. (stopping your typing to watch larry king will do that to you). i guess i just wanted to put down on paper why i'm a pessimistic (realistic) person and that i was able to figure this out about myself. (with loads of help i think, from a fiction book i just finished called The Burden by Mary Westmacott aka Agatha Christie - and no its not a murder mystery but a very good story about two sisters)
as for me, my pain will go away hopefully. i'll not do the things that aggrevate it. and i''ll most likely not go to the song writing thing. but i'm going to try my damnest to get into a music lesson this fall closer to home. THAT i can do, with no excuses.