Summer
It feels weird not going back to Marin at all this summer. I really wanted to go even if it meant for only a few days. But with my work schedule it doesn't look like that's going to be at all possible. It's almost a bittersweet thing for me. I get the feeling of nostalgia for Marin when I'm in SB. But when I'm in Marin I get the exact same feeling of nostalgia.
I really love Marin, but once I get back to my apartment in Goleta, I've never felt more at home. I've dug a comfortable hole here.
I wish that I could feel that way in Marin, but I don't. I feel awkward, uncomfortable...judged. Judged more than anything. I have to tip toe and watch what I say.
It came to my attention that a lot of people had/have problems with me, whether I was aware of or I was completely oblivious to this. Especially since I feel like most of the time I didn't deserve most of the ridicule that I received.
I guess I feel more betrayed than anything. Trust is a very important thing to me, and I gave that to quite a few friends throughout the years. Unfortunately, the majority of these people let that trust go.
I'm not proud of some things that I did/said in the past. But then again, who is? What person can say that they are proud of every single thing that they have done? There is always something that you want to change. I can easily name a few instances right off the top of my head. I had a hard time for the majority of high school. And I wish that I could change some of the times where I relied a little too much on my friends, for instance. I never took it for granted though.
I can live with the fact that not everyone in my life will love the hell out of me. Fuck, some people might even hate me. But honestly, I'd rather if anyone did have a problem with me, especially people who I thought were good friends actually talked to me about it...I don't know maybe I'm expecting too much.
I'm really trying to move on with my life. And I feel like right now I have more than I can ask for. But ever since I moved here, there has always been something about my life that has followed me 300 miles south that I have desperately been trying to shake off. I didn't realize it until tonight. I was unable to sleep because of the same unsettled feeling that I've been experiencing for the past 10 months. The feeling that has been haunting me well before arriving in Santa Barbara, in fact.
My small epiphany made me realize that this feeling was actually, ironically, a lack of feeling. I realized I invested way too many emotions in the stupid dramas that took place in Marin. I took opinions about me too seriously. So, I ran away. I moved because I couldn't stand it up there anymore. I abandoned too many lingering emotions in Marin. I chose to ignore them at the time, which is another thing I regret doing. This is just something that I've been needing to say for quite a long time.
I'm not perfect. But you guys. Seriously, I'm over it.
I really love Marin, but once I get back to my apartment in Goleta, I've never felt more at home. I've dug a comfortable hole here.
I wish that I could feel that way in Marin, but I don't. I feel awkward, uncomfortable...judged. Judged more than anything. I have to tip toe and watch what I say.
It came to my attention that a lot of people had/have problems with me, whether I was aware of or I was completely oblivious to this. Especially since I feel like most of the time I didn't deserve most of the ridicule that I received.
I guess I feel more betrayed than anything. Trust is a very important thing to me, and I gave that to quite a few friends throughout the years. Unfortunately, the majority of these people let that trust go.
I'm not proud of some things that I did/said in the past. But then again, who is? What person can say that they are proud of every single thing that they have done? There is always something that you want to change. I can easily name a few instances right off the top of my head. I had a hard time for the majority of high school. And I wish that I could change some of the times where I relied a little too much on my friends, for instance. I never took it for granted though.
I can live with the fact that not everyone in my life will love the hell out of me. Fuck, some people might even hate me. But honestly, I'd rather if anyone did have a problem with me, especially people who I thought were good friends actually talked to me about it...I don't know maybe I'm expecting too much.
I'm really trying to move on with my life. And I feel like right now I have more than I can ask for. But ever since I moved here, there has always been something about my life that has followed me 300 miles south that I have desperately been trying to shake off. I didn't realize it until tonight. I was unable to sleep because of the same unsettled feeling that I've been experiencing for the past 10 months. The feeling that has been haunting me well before arriving in Santa Barbara, in fact.
My small epiphany made me realize that this feeling was actually, ironically, a lack of feeling. I realized I invested way too many emotions in the stupid dramas that took place in Marin. I took opinions about me too seriously. So, I ran away. I moved because I couldn't stand it up there anymore. I abandoned too many lingering emotions in Marin. I chose to ignore them at the time, which is another thing I regret doing. This is just something that I've been needing to say for quite a long time.
I'm not perfect. But you guys. Seriously, I'm over it.