When I put my clerical collar on
Yes, I've got one. It's invisible for every person who isn't a pagan. A pagan will know, mostly through instinct, whom and what they are dealing with. A pagan will just know.
Sometimes, however, I'm dead tired of being a high priestess. There are days when I just can't deal with being responsible for others' faith and belief-systems, with their sorrows and their needs. Sometimes I don't want to be the one you call for when SHIT has hit the fan. I don't want to be... Aahahah. I don't want to be Granny Weatherwax. But when shit hits the fan, I am the one you turn to. It doesn't matter that I'm tired. It doesn't matter that I might be damaged. It doesn't matter what I think, because if you can't turn to me, then who...?
Yeah. This is me bitching about my religious status. Sometimes it plainly SUCKS - yeah, most of my year. And then there are times like this year's Mabon.
Almost a year ago, I started at my "new" job. I sort of like it? We were som 20-ish to get trained together. In this batch, there was a gal who's orignially from Germnay. We started off speaking English, and we got friendly. During Yule last year, she got pregnant. When I was told, I congratulated her. Her not-quite-boyfriend wasn't entirely into it. He even moved to Norway, the little shit. So, this girl has been a champion. My elf is her good friend, so they have been talking about all those things I'm simply too formal to do. We just aren't close, but when she was in the 36th week, I realised she was going to give birth alone. So, I said - "If there's no one there, just tell me. I can be there, and you will have all the protection for your child during birth."
So, I got a call during Thursday night - she said that her water broke, and that please, could I meet up at the hospital...?
This is when I stop being Tanja. I am only my collar, and of course I met up. I was with her through the most painful experiance she's ever had. I held her hand (got it properly crushed) and spoke to her, reminded her to breath. I was there for almost 38h, and I saw her baby get born. Before you congratulate me, please... please let me explain why I hate being the high priestess.
This child isn't mine to cuddle or take care of. This child isn't mine to name or dream about. This child doesn't belong to my extended family of pagans. This child... I've got no right to it. No claim what so ever. I didn't sleep for 48 hours. I almost didn't eat. I certainly didn't rest. There was no one to look after me, because I'm the big fucking scary person who you can entrust your life to. And I did what I was supposed to - I helped her through this. I also dumped so much energy into her weakened body that I, several days later, still can't pick things up.
The child is a girl, and she is healthy. But... But it's not my child. I have no deeper connection to her mother. I felt wrong being there. I felt like a bleedin' tool. And I felt helpless before a person in so much pain. I felt stupid, and I felt angry. Because had I been Close to this woman - had I been the other parent, the sibling, the lover, the mother - had I been ANYTHING at all but the priestess you call...
Had I just been anything else but the collar, I'd bee happy. As it stands now, I feel miserable. I feel wrong. I was at someome's most important thing in the world and I can't feel anything but wrong. I cut that child's cord - the mother asked me, and I did. Do any of you even understand what that means...? I, single handed, severed the cord.
I did it.
But it's not my child. It's not mine, and I feel so wrong. I shouldn't have been there. Slag, I'm terrified of births, because my own body almost killed me last time. But I am dutiful and when shit hits the fan I'm the one you call and I, just like Granny Weatherwax, will challange Death himself. And I did. Several times. I poured energy into this girl who hadn't slept for almost 50hours, and I kept her heart steady. I kept her child safe, even though things... yeah. Doesn't matter now.
Me, Tanja... I'm wounded by this. I cannot explain myself better. I am wounded. I was at the right time for someone not to die, but... but I feel wrong. I know everyone would say "oh you did so well, look at how you helped and wow there is a healthy baby with her mother looking like she has never ever been close to dying several times!" - well, fuck. Of course she didn't die. I was there. I did my job. I did what a high priestess does. I didn't shame my collar.
But it was too intimate for me. It was meant for a lover, a best friend, a mother - not for me. It wasn't for me. I was wrong to be there. I felt detached, felt wrong and insecure. I felt wounded. I felt like all I wanted to do was to run home, to be embraced by bb and my elf. All I wanted was to be surrounded by my mates and protected because I felt like I was doing something horribly wrong.
And, I'm still formal. I'm still not the cuddliest person. I'm still... I'm still me. And I felt like I was betraying my own mate. I felt like I was doing something wrong to bb. I felt like I was wasting something I should have saved for my sweetest bird. I felt like I was giving something away, something precious, something meant for my bb only. For my bb and our future children. That was for her, and her alone! I feel like shit. I feel wrong and like I betrayed something, I... yeah.
So, here I am.
I saved two lives during Mabon. I, single-handed and whether you believe in things magic and pagan or not, saved a mother and her child. But, I wounded myself in the process. Fuck it. I still feel like Optimus fucking Prime drove over me. I feel listless and wrong. I feel like curling up and crying in a corner. I wish... I wish I wasn't the living mirror of Granny Weatherwax.
I wish you called me because you love me and want me, not because you fucking NEED me. But, in the end it's all about duty. If you can't call me. Who the hell do you turn to?
...so, yeah. It sucks being me sometimes.
And I could really do with a few hugs, fList.
Sometimes, however, I'm dead tired of being a high priestess. There are days when I just can't deal with being responsible for others' faith and belief-systems, with their sorrows and their needs. Sometimes I don't want to be the one you call for when SHIT has hit the fan. I don't want to be... Aahahah. I don't want to be Granny Weatherwax. But when shit hits the fan, I am the one you turn to. It doesn't matter that I'm tired. It doesn't matter that I might be damaged. It doesn't matter what I think, because if you can't turn to me, then who...?
Yeah. This is me bitching about my religious status. Sometimes it plainly SUCKS - yeah, most of my year. And then there are times like this year's Mabon.
Almost a year ago, I started at my "new" job. I sort of like it? We were som 20-ish to get trained together. In this batch, there was a gal who's orignially from Germnay. We started off speaking English, and we got friendly. During Yule last year, she got pregnant. When I was told, I congratulated her. Her not-quite-boyfriend wasn't entirely into it. He even moved to Norway, the little shit. So, this girl has been a champion. My elf is her good friend, so they have been talking about all those things I'm simply too formal to do. We just aren't close, but when she was in the 36th week, I realised she was going to give birth alone. So, I said - "If there's no one there, just tell me. I can be there, and you will have all the protection for your child during birth."
So, I got a call during Thursday night - she said that her water broke, and that please, could I meet up at the hospital...?
This is when I stop being Tanja. I am only my collar, and of course I met up. I was with her through the most painful experiance she's ever had. I held her hand (got it properly crushed) and spoke to her, reminded her to breath. I was there for almost 38h, and I saw her baby get born. Before you congratulate me, please... please let me explain why I hate being the high priestess.
This child isn't mine to cuddle or take care of. This child isn't mine to name or dream about. This child doesn't belong to my extended family of pagans. This child... I've got no right to it. No claim what so ever. I didn't sleep for 48 hours. I almost didn't eat. I certainly didn't rest. There was no one to look after me, because I'm the big fucking scary person who you can entrust your life to. And I did what I was supposed to - I helped her through this. I also dumped so much energy into her weakened body that I, several days later, still can't pick things up.
The child is a girl, and she is healthy. But... But it's not my child. I have no deeper connection to her mother. I felt wrong being there. I felt like a bleedin' tool. And I felt helpless before a person in so much pain. I felt stupid, and I felt angry. Because had I been Close to this woman - had I been the other parent, the sibling, the lover, the mother - had I been ANYTHING at all but the priestess you call...
Had I just been anything else but the collar, I'd bee happy. As it stands now, I feel miserable. I feel wrong. I was at someome's most important thing in the world and I can't feel anything but wrong. I cut that child's cord - the mother asked me, and I did. Do any of you even understand what that means...? I, single handed, severed the cord.
I did it.
But it's not my child. It's not mine, and I feel so wrong. I shouldn't have been there. Slag, I'm terrified of births, because my own body almost killed me last time. But I am dutiful and when shit hits the fan I'm the one you call and I, just like Granny Weatherwax, will challange Death himself. And I did. Several times. I poured energy into this girl who hadn't slept for almost 50hours, and I kept her heart steady. I kept her child safe, even though things... yeah. Doesn't matter now.
Me, Tanja... I'm wounded by this. I cannot explain myself better. I am wounded. I was at the right time for someone not to die, but... but I feel wrong. I know everyone would say "oh you did so well, look at how you helped and wow there is a healthy baby with her mother looking like she has never ever been close to dying several times!" - well, fuck. Of course she didn't die. I was there. I did my job. I did what a high priestess does. I didn't shame my collar.
But it was too intimate for me. It was meant for a lover, a best friend, a mother - not for me. It wasn't for me. I was wrong to be there. I felt detached, felt wrong and insecure. I felt wounded. I felt like all I wanted to do was to run home, to be embraced by bb and my elf. All I wanted was to be surrounded by my mates and protected because I felt like I was doing something horribly wrong.
And, I'm still formal. I'm still not the cuddliest person. I'm still... I'm still me. And I felt like I was betraying my own mate. I felt like I was doing something wrong to bb. I felt like I was wasting something I should have saved for my sweetest bird. I felt like I was giving something away, something precious, something meant for my bb only. For my bb and our future children. That was for her, and her alone! I feel like shit. I feel wrong and like I betrayed something, I... yeah.
So, here I am.
I saved two lives during Mabon. I, single-handed and whether you believe in things magic and pagan or not, saved a mother and her child. But, I wounded myself in the process. Fuck it. I still feel like Optimus fucking Prime drove over me. I feel listless and wrong. I feel like curling up and crying in a corner. I wish... I wish I wasn't the living mirror of Granny Weatherwax.
I wish you called me because you love me and want me, not because you fucking NEED me. But, in the end it's all about duty. If you can't call me. Who the hell do you turn to?
...so, yeah. It sucks being me sometimes.
And I could really do with a few hugs, fList.