FALL in love
There is a time of year, that even when the first leaf falls, you can feel the seasons click. The air is crisp, summer is gone, and for the first night in a long time you need a blanket on your bed. It rings up other needs as well....
"Hello?"
"Is this who I think it is?"
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"Are you alone?"
"Yes, I am."
"It's fall."
"Is it? I thought it was still Indian summer?"
"Can I come over... I can't sleep, I think I'm kinda lonely... Do you ever get lonely?"
"No."
"Just to let you know, it's only to keep each other company."
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I'm not quite sure where to begin. Just earlier today I was feeling helpless, and very, very tired.. and as I'm sitting here writing away, (knowing that I should be using my time for some other productive use) I feel quite happy and... alive.
I tried. I really did; and as much as I wish I could change it, I can't. International Business sticks. Looks like I'll be back for a complete year instead of a semester. Until recently (due to the College & Uni fair), I've found out that I'm no where near prepared nor ready to jump into 'bigger people school.' Now that I've recognized it, I have to learn to come to terms with it... It's no longer a feeling of being pressured by other people's expectations, or caring what they say, because the truth of the matter is I don't feel ready, and I don't feel confident. What I'm feeling is definitly more than that. I'm sick of using every possible thing around me as a scapegoat, and I'm sick of fighting the system. I'm just a rebel without a cause...
"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."
I'm giving up my fight and replacing it with purpose, and I'm doing it because you said I can't...
I was having a conversation with a co-worker today about her maritial situation (Her husband lives in Trinidad, and she stays here. They've been seperated for majority of their marriage, and now she's not sure if she made the right decision. She's 26..." While I was telling her my thoughts on the situation, I finally figured it out... The reason why I've had 2 perfectly great guys, and 2 fine beginings to a new relationship fail... I make myself happy. I mean, sure, there's that genuine 'spark' of interest that's still as addictive as it was when I actually HAD relationships, but they just can't seem to get the engine going. It was as if I just woke up one morning and the feelings were gone, literally.
I was having a conversation with Arun about it, and what he said stuck. "All you know is how to get hurt, and how to hurt. And this is because of all the things thats happened to you. You're fragile, but no one sees it cus you're just as strong. It's either someone isn't experienced enough, or they're to expierenced..."
It's true. I'm the middleman... I don't inflict pain intentionally, but I don't take responsiblity for it either. Just because I've been there, and got through it, battle scars in tact, I think that everyone else can too... I spark a sudden interest in some guy that shares a few common interests, then feel guilty about giving hope when there isn't any. That spark is really what I need.
All I ever really miss is the companionship. That's what I like...good company.
"Hello?"
"Is this who I think it is?"
---------------------------------------
"Are you alone?"
"Yes, I am."
"It's fall."
"Is it? I thought it was still Indian summer?"
"Can I come over... I can't sleep, I think I'm kinda lonely... Do you ever get lonely?"
"No."
"Just to let you know, it's only to keep each other company."
---------------------------------------
I'm not quite sure where to begin. Just earlier today I was feeling helpless, and very, very tired.. and as I'm sitting here writing away, (knowing that I should be using my time for some other productive use) I feel quite happy and... alive.
I tried. I really did; and as much as I wish I could change it, I can't. International Business sticks. Looks like I'll be back for a complete year instead of a semester. Until recently (due to the College & Uni fair), I've found out that I'm no where near prepared nor ready to jump into 'bigger people school.' Now that I've recognized it, I have to learn to come to terms with it... It's no longer a feeling of being pressured by other people's expectations, or caring what they say, because the truth of the matter is I don't feel ready, and I don't feel confident. What I'm feeling is definitly more than that. I'm sick of using every possible thing around me as a scapegoat, and I'm sick of fighting the system. I'm just a rebel without a cause...
"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."
I'm giving up my fight and replacing it with purpose, and I'm doing it because you said I can't...
I was having a conversation with a co-worker today about her maritial situation (Her husband lives in Trinidad, and she stays here. They've been seperated for majority of their marriage, and now she's not sure if she made the right decision. She's 26..." While I was telling her my thoughts on the situation, I finally figured it out... The reason why I've had 2 perfectly great guys, and 2 fine beginings to a new relationship fail... I make myself happy. I mean, sure, there's that genuine 'spark' of interest that's still as addictive as it was when I actually HAD relationships, but they just can't seem to get the engine going. It was as if I just woke up one morning and the feelings were gone, literally.
I was having a conversation with Arun about it, and what he said stuck. "All you know is how to get hurt, and how to hurt. And this is because of all the things thats happened to you. You're fragile, but no one sees it cus you're just as strong. It's either someone isn't experienced enough, or they're to expierenced..."
It's true. I'm the middleman... I don't inflict pain intentionally, but I don't take responsiblity for it either. Just because I've been there, and got through it, battle scars in tact, I think that everyone else can too... I spark a sudden interest in some guy that shares a few common interests, then feel guilty about giving hope when there isn't any. That spark is really what I need.
All I ever really miss is the companionship. That's what I like...good company.