Way Back Machine 001

[boozymatic]

So, I've been cleaning my office. No, don't panic, this is not a sign of the apocalypse... I'm just ripping some CDs.

Anyway, I found some long-lost work samples, including this little gem of a holiday note for a bunch of women entrepreneurs.

Why I believe that Santa Claus is a woman…

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

The main reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

• If Santa was a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Men don’t shop until Christmas Eve, leaving them to choose between the Ronco products, socket wrench sets, mood rings, and Chia Pets.


• If Santa was male, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
• Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he wouldn’t get the job done: he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and refuse to stop and ask for directions.

More reasons why Santa can’t possibly be male:

• Men can’t pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened… having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don’t answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.”
• Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
• Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men… For example, Father Time shows up once a year, unshaven and looking ominous - definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons - definitely guy-like behavior. These guys could pass the testosterone screening test. But not Santa. Not a chance!

Oh, the things I did for money back then! Hey, wait a minute - they didn't pay me. That was strictly volunteer. Crap. I plead temporary insanity.