HEAR ME ROAR, MOTHERBITCH!
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
die, myspace, die!!
if wishes were horses this one would TRAMPLE ITS PIECE OF SHIT EXISTENCE
if wishes were horses this one would be AN EIGHTY-TON FIFTH MEMBER OF THE CAVALRY OF FOUR HORSES OF THE APOCALYPSE, AND I'D BE ITS RIDER.
represent THAT, ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!
at any rate.
responding to a friend's myspace blog, i was going to list what i find most beautiful in women (slash the kind of person i'd be if i had the choice)
she should have:
--a non-repetitive, funny, melodic laugh (the kind that goes all over the place and sounds all ridiculous: "hahahaHAHAFUCKHEHEhhoooo hooo hooo BAHAHAHAHAmmph peh *snurk* eeee" (thus and such)
--really, really dark / curly hair (i think it's really cool looking when hair kind of poofs up and looks like a halo... not frizzy, but poofy--medium length. i like afros, too--i think they're really beautiful, and i always want to play with them)
--a great right hook
--ambidexterity... always a plus.
--interest in comic books! (or openness to the medium--ONE of these, though, is absolutely necessary. preferrably the first.)
--at least one (1) hobby/interest/area of expertise that's way outside the ordinary (chasing chickens, collecting nailpolish, connecting electrical wiring, breakdancing)
--eclectic musical taste (hopefully a tolerance for 80s metal, turntablism, underground rap and folk, as well...)
--my same shoe size! (that would be SO useful in a girlfriend! actually, it would still be pretty useful in a boyfriend, too. work boots!)
--an inexplicable desire to watch the local government channel
--nice cleavage (the kind that doesn't look weirdly spaced)
--nice ankles
--shapely legs (NOT twigs--the kind that draw your eye in all the right places)
--an inability to snore!
--an ability to be easily amused (someone who wouldn't fucking call me saying "i'm bored" and waiting until i entertain them. this happens far too often.)
--a big mouth (figuratively)
--an insatiable appetite for books, sex and food
--a positive/apathetic attitude towards porn (she wouldn't mind it)
--intelligent opinions (some would be the same as mine, some would be different.)
--clean fingernails (not immensely long and intimidating)
--a cute nose (but not necessarily a certain shape--different noses work well with different faces, and some noses that you'd think would look the nicest just look weird on some people. ree's nose is the best, because her face is round, and her nose is really small, so it's just the right size on HER. i like little ((studs)) nose piercings on girls--way sexy.)
--weird constellations of freckles in weird places
--a nice smell (sans perfume--scented shit freaks me out. similarly, she would hate air freshener as much as i do.)
--a good sense of humor
--superhuman logic (think anninnator), genius-level mathematics skillz, and the ability to pack a suitcase really well
--uncanny intuition
--a gigantic vocabulary
--parents that love me (actually, most parents love me. god knows why. maybe because i love most parents--you have to appreciate the people that raised the kids you like.)
--the bravery to confront dumbasses in public forum, face to face (and knee to groin!) AND to put ME in my place when i deserve it.
--unshakable manners (please and thank you ARE magical. i don't care what anyone says--being an asshole all the time is NOT attractive.)
--talents that complement mine (i can write, so she can draw. i can sing, so she can dance. i can drive, so she has an innate sense of direction. i can cry in a corner, so she can fix my computer. etc.)
oy. that was really long. once you get started listing, it's kind of hard to stop...
i think all of these would go for my type of ideal male people, too (everything except the cleavage and legs, obviously) but in addition, male specific traits i like:
--the ability to talk. a lot. almost incessantly. (can't be quiet. quiet people scare me, but quiet boys especially)
--lots of knowledge of trivia, and gets really excited about it (the sun is a mass of incandescent gas! did you know? the balinese have a verb that describes temporarily inhabiting another dimension ((it's "nadi")). water leaves the human stomach after five minutes! when chuck norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself UP, he pushes the world DOWN...)
--an extensive (to the point of obsessive) desire to know what's going on in the world...and what's already happened (my ideal person can point to lithuania on a map.)
--a religious (but tolerant) background (most badass: judaism <3 )
--the most terrifying angry face known to man
--a love of geneaology
--a fear of flying (or similar)
--at least one allergy (but less than three)
--a good singing voice (<3)
--lots and lots of patience (<3)
--smarter about organization/leadership than me, but dumber about investing in the stock market and inventing things
--a different immune system than mine
--knows basic wilderness survival skills (i like 'em on the paranoid side) and can build shit (jesus was a carpenter)
--is too tall, stringy (not BONY, though. that makes it hard to sit on a person when you have run out of room in a car and you need a place to be), and slightly weird looking... maybe a bit asymmetrical (asymmetry = hot)
--looks good in a hat (fedora!! top hat!!! argyle!!!) and a tie (girls flip for ties...it's true; i think they're too cool)
--values PERSONAL SPACE, and recognizes that i want some too (calling every day. ugh. oh hey! HERE'S a perfect valentines day: he gives me a stack of comic books, i give him a stack of wired and new yorker magazines, and we sit together on a couch in direct sunlight and read until the sun moves too much or we're forced to actually go accomplish something)
--never pees on the seat. NEVER. (i don't actually care if the seat is up. peed on, though--i get violent.)
--holds liquor well
--is NOT a fucking vegan (vegetarians good. vegans stupid.)
--is violently nonviolent and optimistic
--doesn't believe that being a stay-at-home dad is a sign of weakness
--a COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS last name, first name, or nickname (like "snead" or "yahoo serious")
--brushes his hair roughly once a year, but flosses every day (this is important to me. no, seriously!)
--is a total embarrassment in public
--owns a scanner; uses it frequently.
--has lots of friends. makes friends with my friends (easily)
--knows what "weltshmertz" and "schadenfreude" mean. and uses them in a story about a vicious argument he saw yesterday.
--is willing to teach. always.
--plays card games. and chess. and NEVER *lets* someone win to make them feel okay about themselves. (me included)
--frequents yard sales. and goodwill.
--will watch really stupid movies with me and not judge me for it
--should believe it's perfectly fine to beat up girls who deserve to be beat up (but they really do have to deserve it)
i could go on. but i won't--my room is getting really small so i have to go clean it now.
also, there's some podcasts with my name on 'em. maybe i'll even russle up some chocolate if i can find any. hey-- that's another thing--hypothetical boyfriends should ALWAYS keep chips, salsa, wheat tortillas, cheese (the good kind!), flour (and other baking crap--especially butter, sugar, eggs, nutmeg, cinnamon, and a big fuckoff bag of chocolate chips), sugar snap peas, chocolate milk, bagels and cream cheese around SOMEWHERE. (well, among other things. man cannot live on these alone.)
die, myspace, die!!
if wishes were horses this one would TRAMPLE ITS PIECE OF SHIT EXISTENCE
if wishes were horses this one would be AN EIGHTY-TON FIFTH MEMBER OF THE CAVALRY OF FOUR HORSES OF THE APOCALYPSE, AND I'D BE ITS RIDER.
represent THAT, ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!
at any rate.
responding to a friend's myspace blog, i was going to list what i find most beautiful in women (slash the kind of person i'd be if i had the choice)
she should have:
--a non-repetitive, funny, melodic laugh (the kind that goes all over the place and sounds all ridiculous: "hahahaHAHAFUCKHEHEhhoooo hooo hooo BAHAHAHAHAmmph peh *snurk* eeee" (thus and such)
--really, really dark / curly hair (i think it's really cool looking when hair kind of poofs up and looks like a halo... not frizzy, but poofy--medium length. i like afros, too--i think they're really beautiful, and i always want to play with them)
--a great right hook
--ambidexterity... always a plus.
--interest in comic books! (or openness to the medium--ONE of these, though, is absolutely necessary. preferrably the first.)
--at least one (1) hobby/interest/area of expertise that's way outside the ordinary (chasing chickens, collecting nailpolish, connecting electrical wiring, breakdancing)
--eclectic musical taste (hopefully a tolerance for 80s metal, turntablism, underground rap and folk, as well...)
--my same shoe size! (that would be SO useful in a girlfriend! actually, it would still be pretty useful in a boyfriend, too. work boots!)
--an inexplicable desire to watch the local government channel
--nice cleavage (the kind that doesn't look weirdly spaced)
--nice ankles
--shapely legs (NOT twigs--the kind that draw your eye in all the right places)
--an inability to snore!
--an ability to be easily amused (someone who wouldn't fucking call me saying "i'm bored" and waiting until i entertain them. this happens far too often.)
--a big mouth (figuratively)
--an insatiable appetite for books, sex and food
--a positive/apathetic attitude towards porn (she wouldn't mind it)
--intelligent opinions (some would be the same as mine, some would be different.)
--clean fingernails (not immensely long and intimidating)
--a cute nose (but not necessarily a certain shape--different noses work well with different faces, and some noses that you'd think would look the nicest just look weird on some people. ree's nose is the best, because her face is round, and her nose is really small, so it's just the right size on HER. i like little ((studs)) nose piercings on girls--way sexy.)
--weird constellations of freckles in weird places
--a nice smell (sans perfume--scented shit freaks me out. similarly, she would hate air freshener as much as i do.)
--a good sense of humor
--superhuman logic (think anninnator), genius-level mathematics skillz, and the ability to pack a suitcase really well
--uncanny intuition
--a gigantic vocabulary
--parents that love me (actually, most parents love me. god knows why. maybe because i love most parents--you have to appreciate the people that raised the kids you like.)
--the bravery to confront dumbasses in public forum, face to face (and knee to groin!) AND to put ME in my place when i deserve it.
--unshakable manners (please and thank you ARE magical. i don't care what anyone says--being an asshole all the time is NOT attractive.)
--talents that complement mine (i can write, so she can draw. i can sing, so she can dance. i can drive, so she has an innate sense of direction. i can cry in a corner, so she can fix my computer. etc.)
oy. that was really long. once you get started listing, it's kind of hard to stop...
i think all of these would go for my type of ideal male people, too (everything except the cleavage and legs, obviously) but in addition, male specific traits i like:
--the ability to talk. a lot. almost incessantly. (can't be quiet. quiet people scare me, but quiet boys especially)
--lots of knowledge of trivia, and gets really excited about it (the sun is a mass of incandescent gas! did you know? the balinese have a verb that describes temporarily inhabiting another dimension ((it's "nadi")). water leaves the human stomach after five minutes! when chuck norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself UP, he pushes the world DOWN...)
--an extensive (to the point of obsessive) desire to know what's going on in the world...and what's already happened (my ideal person can point to lithuania on a map.)
--a religious (but tolerant) background (most badass: judaism <3 )
--the most terrifying angry face known to man
--a love of geneaology
--a fear of flying (or similar)
--at least one allergy (but less than three)
--a good singing voice (<3)
--lots and lots of patience (<3)
--smarter about organization/leadership than me, but dumber about investing in the stock market and inventing things
--a different immune system than mine
--knows basic wilderness survival skills (i like 'em on the paranoid side) and can build shit (jesus was a carpenter)
--is too tall, stringy (not BONY, though. that makes it hard to sit on a person when you have run out of room in a car and you need a place to be), and slightly weird looking... maybe a bit asymmetrical (asymmetry = hot)
--looks good in a hat (fedora!! top hat!!! argyle!!!) and a tie (girls flip for ties...it's true; i think they're too cool)
--values PERSONAL SPACE, and recognizes that i want some too (calling every day. ugh. oh hey! HERE'S a perfect valentines day: he gives me a stack of comic books, i give him a stack of wired and new yorker magazines, and we sit together on a couch in direct sunlight and read until the sun moves too much or we're forced to actually go accomplish something)
--never pees on the seat. NEVER. (i don't actually care if the seat is up. peed on, though--i get violent.)
--holds liquor well
--is NOT a fucking vegan (vegetarians good. vegans stupid.)
--is violently nonviolent and optimistic
--doesn't believe that being a stay-at-home dad is a sign of weakness
--a COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS last name, first name, or nickname (like "snead" or "yahoo serious")
--brushes his hair roughly once a year, but flosses every day (this is important to me. no, seriously!)
--is a total embarrassment in public
--owns a scanner; uses it frequently.
--has lots of friends. makes friends with my friends (easily)
--knows what "weltshmertz" and "schadenfreude" mean. and uses them in a story about a vicious argument he saw yesterday.
--is willing to teach. always.
--plays card games. and chess. and NEVER *lets* someone win to make them feel okay about themselves. (me included)
--frequents yard sales. and goodwill.
--will watch really stupid movies with me and not judge me for it
--should believe it's perfectly fine to beat up girls who deserve to be beat up (but they really do have to deserve it)
i could go on. but i won't--my room is getting really small so i have to go clean it now.
also, there's some podcasts with my name on 'em. maybe i'll even russle up some chocolate if i can find any. hey-- that's another thing--hypothetical boyfriends should ALWAYS keep chips, salsa, wheat tortillas, cheese (the good kind!), flour (and other baking crap--especially butter, sugar, eggs, nutmeg, cinnamon, and a big fuckoff bag of chocolate chips), sugar snap peas, chocolate milk, bagels and cream cheese around SOMEWHERE. (well, among other things. man cannot live on these alone.)