Hello there, I am your other editor for this week.
The places in this piece that were most poignant for me were places that you gave specific images. "I am brass bands and billowing flags" worked really well for me, as well as "I am choirs and stained glass."
On the other hand, the parts with abstract concepts didn't work so well. I can't imagine sadness, desolation, optimism, or boredom. I felt the images you provided got us to those words without you needing to mention them.
My last suggestion is that I think when you say "I am music" the first time, it breaks the piece up a little, since after that you still have one more line about the kind of music. Consider playing with those ending lines. I personally think it would be much more powerful if you only said "I am music" once, right before the part about being eternal. It might also be interesting to work some images of music through the ages in, to connect it with being eternal. (Much of what you've got focuses on music as it is today. I don't think anyone would dispute that music is eternal, but I don't know that you've painted its eternal qualities in this particular piece).
Just some things to consider. I think this is a very interesting piece. Very poetic. Thank you for sharing!
The places in this piece that were most poignant for me were places that you gave specific images. "I am brass bands and billowing flags" worked really well for me, as well as "I am choirs and stained glass."
On the other hand, the parts with abstract concepts didn't work so well. I can't imagine sadness, desolation, optimism, or boredom. I felt the images you provided got us to those words without you needing to mention them.
My last suggestion is that I think when you say "I am music" the first time, it breaks the piece up a little, since after that you still have one more line about the kind of music. Consider playing with those ending lines. I personally think it would be much more powerful if you only said "I am music" once, right before the part about being eternal. It might also be interesting to work some images of music through the ages in, to connect it with being eternal. (Much of what you've got focuses on music as it is today. I don't think anyone would dispute that music is eternal, but I don't know that you've painted its eternal qualities in this particular piece).
Just some things to consider. I think this is a very interesting piece. Very poetic. Thank you for sharing!
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