Brigits_flame: Shadows of Self

[bootler]

"Calm, you must be calm. No, don't focus. Stop . . . wait, you're thinking. No . . . don't . . . be calm. You must . . . what are . . . no thinking. Stop listening to me. Just . . . no! Be calm, dammit!"

I growl in frustration and open my eyes to glare at my guide. "How can I be calm when you keep yelling at me

Comments

Edit 2

[aisling87]

Hello, I'm your secondary editor for this round.

The first thing I'll mention is that usually when I edit, I keep a notepad window open as I read so that if I notice anything I can jot it down. I didn't write anything on the notepad for you because I was so interested in the story that I just wanted to see what happened, so that's a very good thing!

I like the idea of your first sentence, but I think you could vary it a little with some other punctuation. An ellipse usually indicates a trailing off, so if you have words that the guide is cutting off it might not be the best choice. A dash -- (two hyphens together) usually indicates an interruption or the chopping of a thought (when used in dialogue). It might be something to play with to vary the pace of that first sentence.

The only other suggestion I have is to consider giving us a few more clues about what she's waiting for. You don't have to tell us outright, but in the beginning I thought she was trying to make herself have her period. That's fine if that's what you wanted me to think, but if not consider "shadowy" language that gives us a clue without ruining the surprise of the end.

A very nice entry! I really enjoyed it!

Re: Edit 2

[bootler]

Well that was quite the compliment! I'm very glad to hear that you enjoyed it so much.

I definitely agree for the first sentence. Looking back over it I think I went a little long with that, it probably could have been quicker. Hyphens might have changed the pace a little bit.

I did want to keep the end result a mystery, although I will admit I have no idea what I wanted people to think actually was happening. The only two I've heard so far are her first time having sex, or now her first period. Either one sort of works, because basically it's meant to be a rite of passage. But I think you're right that more hints could have been dropped.

Thanks very much for your feedback!