Brigits_flame: Shadows of Self
"Calm, you must be calm. No, don't focus. Stop . . . wait, you're thinking. No . . . don't . . . be calm. You must . . . what are . . . no thinking. Stop listening to me. Just . . . no! Be calm, dammit!"
I growl in frustration and open my eyes to glare at my guide. "How can I be calm when you keep yelling at me?"
Lizbeth, my guide, sighs heavily. "You're trying too hard, Tin. It should come naturally. Stop trying to force it."
I glower at her. Easy for her to say, kneeling across from me, perfectly comfortable, while my own legs have already fallen asleep.
"I've been trying to let it 'come naturally' for three months now!" I can hear the sneer in my voice and immediately regret it. It's not Lizbeth's fault that I'm completely useless. I exhale heavily and move to sit more comfortably. "This is impossible."
Lizbeth gives me a sympathetic look. "It's not impossible. A lot of girls find it hard their first time. You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself."
"Yeah, yeah," I mutter, looking away from her. Lizbeth is my third guide. Three guides in as many months. I've never heard of anyone taking so long their first time. I've done all the classes, learned all the theory, and I'm still no closer to becoming a woman.
Watching my face, Lizbeth sighs again and stands in one graceful movement. "I'll get us some tea, it might help you relax. Just take a break. Do some of your breathing exercises, try to clear your head."
"Okay," I agree sullenly. I wait until her back is turned, then make a face. Clear my head. What does she think I've been trying to do?
I allow myself to mope for a few minutes, then scrub my hands through my hair and force myself back to my knees. I can do this, dammit. When Lizbeth comes back, I will do this.
I clear my throat and close my eyes. Okay. No thinking. This is me, not thinking. Right. So I'm going to shut up now.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out. I wonder what it feels like . . . No! Focus.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out I feel so stupid
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathe in, breathe out who can sit like this? My knees are killing me
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathe in,
"Wow, that looks really uncomfortable."
My eyes fly open at the unfamiliar voice. I try to stand, then cry out in pain and fall flat on my ass. All the while the strange man standing in front of me just watches, a grin on his face. "You okay?"
"Who the hell . . ." I stop and stare. Dark skin, short cropped blonde hair, blue eyes. I've never seen him before, and yet I know him. I turn to look at the mirrored wall. My skin is pale, my hair long and dark, my eyes brown. But the face. His is male, of course, but something . . . something . . .
"You?" I barely whisper the question, afraid he'll disappear and never come back.
He laughs, his voice full of an easy confidence I've never felt. "Me." He crouches in front of me and takes my hand. "Hello, Tin. I'm Kris. Your Shadow. Nice to finally meet you."
I growl in frustration and open my eyes to glare at my guide. "How can I be calm when you keep yelling at me?"
Lizbeth, my guide, sighs heavily. "You're trying too hard, Tin. It should come naturally. Stop trying to force it."
I glower at her. Easy for her to say, kneeling across from me, perfectly comfortable, while my own legs have already fallen asleep.
"I've been trying to let it 'come naturally' for three months now!" I can hear the sneer in my voice and immediately regret it. It's not Lizbeth's fault that I'm completely useless. I exhale heavily and move to sit more comfortably. "This is impossible."
Lizbeth gives me a sympathetic look. "It's not impossible. A lot of girls find it hard their first time. You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself."
"Yeah, yeah," I mutter, looking away from her. Lizbeth is my third guide. Three guides in as many months. I've never heard of anyone taking so long their first time. I've done all the classes, learned all the theory, and I'm still no closer to becoming a woman.
Watching my face, Lizbeth sighs again and stands in one graceful movement. "I'll get us some tea, it might help you relax. Just take a break. Do some of your breathing exercises, try to clear your head."
"Okay," I agree sullenly. I wait until her back is turned, then make a face. Clear my head. What does she think I've been trying to do?
I allow myself to mope for a few minutes, then scrub my hands through my hair and force myself back to my knees. I can do this, dammit. When Lizbeth comes back, I will do this.
I clear my throat and close my eyes. Okay. No thinking. This is me, not thinking. Right. So I'm going to shut up now.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out. I wonder what it feels like . . . No! Focus.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out I feel so stupid
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathe in, breathe out who can sit like this? My knees are killing me
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathe in,
"Wow, that looks really uncomfortable."
My eyes fly open at the unfamiliar voice. I try to stand, then cry out in pain and fall flat on my ass. All the while the strange man standing in front of me just watches, a grin on his face. "You okay?"
"Who the hell . . ." I stop and stare. Dark skin, short cropped blonde hair, blue eyes. I've never seen him before, and yet I know him. I turn to look at the mirrored wall. My skin is pale, my hair long and dark, my eyes brown. But the face. His is male, of course, but something . . . something . . .
"You?" I barely whisper the question, afraid he'll disappear and never come back.
He laughs, his voice full of an easy confidence I've never felt. "Me." He crouches in front of me and takes my hand. "Hello, Tin. I'm Kris. Your Shadow. Nice to finally meet you."