i'm gonna buy a gun and start a war...if you can tell me something worth fighting for.

[boonefrog]

i have not felt so much in a long time. i feel like my heart has been dormant for at least a couple months. whether it is intense love or intense pain, at least now i am feeling human. funny how the older you get, the more it takes to realize that you are alive. i miss her so much.

but this is an opportunity that needs to be used. i am going to try to live my waking hours like i am truly alive, i will create something new and beautiful. i always have when i have felt like this.

the big difficulty is: i feel like i have no one. i called almost 15 people today, no one picked up. where i used to find comfort in sommer, now i have no one. i either get "oh i'm sorry you broke up" or "quit whining, it will be okay." i hate having to ask for hugs. but i need whatever i can get, every minute is so raw and naked it is painful even to think of myself like this. i can't find anyone to hang out with much less two room mates for the fall. i have lost many friends and i don't think anyone really wants to live with me.

but i know things will get better in a couple weeks. i just wish i had someone that would hold me, anyone.