(no subject)
I've been feeling so incredibly down for quite some time now. And each time I feel it worsen, I try to blame it on one thing. Like, if I pinpoint the issue, it's going to make me feel better. But it doesn't. Only for a temporary amount of time. What I've realized today is that...I'm just unhappy. Sure, there are many reasons for it...but when all is said and done, I'm just not happy. Plain and simple. Infact, I'm probably the unhappiest that I can ever remember being. I don't ever recall being so lost. Every other day or so, I find something that will temporarily make me feel better, but there's always that nagging feeling of dread. Of wanting to curl into a ball and sob for hours. Of wanting to pull my hair out and scream. Or of just plain feeling like I don't belong in my skin. And now I'm starting to take these feelings out on others. I don't know, maybe I have been doing it for awhile, but I just realized it tonight. So, I'm sorry Michelle. And I'm sorry Candace. And Heather. And everyone else who I have treated in a completely unfair manner. You don't deserve it.
I know that to most people on an everyday basis, I seem like I'm ok. I don't know what does this to me, but I can't help but act happy around people when I'm really not. I don't know if I'm ashamed of myself or if I just don't want to bother people with what I'm thinking...but I just can't help it. But after acting happy so much....I have to break down sometime.
So what do I do? Do I up my medication? No. That won't make my problems go away. That won't give me back my friends. It won't make my father act like he loves me. It won't choose a career for me. It will just make me crazy. Or crazier, as it were.
Do I talk to someone? A professional? I don't know. I've done it before, and look where I'm at now.
I'm lost right now. So lost.
Oh, and excuse me for not loving college. Or enjoying life. Or for, just in general, being unhappy. If you don't want to read about something that's upsetting me, then it's simple...don't. Just because you're happy, doesn't mean that the rest of the world should be feeling the same way. Just don't concern yourself with it if it makes you feel so uncomfortable.
I know that to most people on an everyday basis, I seem like I'm ok. I don't know what does this to me, but I can't help but act happy around people when I'm really not. I don't know if I'm ashamed of myself or if I just don't want to bother people with what I'm thinking...but I just can't help it. But after acting happy so much....I have to break down sometime.
So what do I do? Do I up my medication? No. That won't make my problems go away. That won't give me back my friends. It won't make my father act like he loves me. It won't choose a career for me. It will just make me crazy. Or crazier, as it were.
Do I talk to someone? A professional? I don't know. I've done it before, and look where I'm at now.
I'm lost right now. So lost.
Oh, and excuse me for not loving college. Or enjoying life. Or for, just in general, being unhappy. If you don't want to read about something that's upsetting me, then it's simple...don't. Just because you're happy, doesn't mean that the rest of the world should be feeling the same way. Just don't concern yourself with it if it makes you feel so uncomfortable.