(no subject)

[boom_your_gone]

im so lost. i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it has never left my systems for years, i actually missed being sad, when i wasnt sad, that is how sad it has gotten, i dont know what i do wrong. i don't. why can't i just have a good life, and be happy, like alot of people. every sad song is starting to make me happy, every love song is starting to make me sick. sometimes i just can't help but smile. i use to never let my feelings show, but now that i do, there is no difference. it is the same pain i have had for a long time.. i dont even want people to feel bad for me. i just want to be left alone. i cant go anywhere without thinking something, no matter where i go, i just don't want to be there. and me being sad. has caused me alot of shit in the past. and it sucks. because those are the things and people i miss most. and i dont know why i was sad all that time.

im not in any mood to be happy right now, i am not even ready to be happy, i dont want to be. because i wont be either way, there will always be something wrong.

i am not ready to give up yet.
but seriously why am i still trying
to be happy, when i know i wont be
it will never matter.