i think i've basically lost my ability to function in the world without having some sort of hikaru-no-go-associated love attack once a day or so
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*uses emo akame icon in a flaily show of solidarity*
i don't think that's a counterproductive emotional response at all. to see through to the other side of love, of great art and great emotional moments in our lives, to the profundity and the deep sadness of joy, because it is transient, because life does end - I think that's a really key emotional step to gaining maturity and learning how to be an adult. Because it helps us recognize that life goes on despite euphoria, just as despite heartbreak. And helps us recognize, maybe ultimately tragically, that life will end, so we have to find meaning in every day we live, as often as we can. That's definitely something Hikago reminds me of daily. And it's not necessarily joyous. But it is sublime.
But I think also that to be able to see and experience that sadness, in art and in life, is to risk winning back something more precious: because I think when we let ourselves experience that sadness, we also risk the chance that ultimately, maybe, we will be able to push through to the ultimate source of our hopes and dreams.
Because to see those things, to come face to face with the heartbreak and the reality of pain and life ending and the utter futility of searching for the hand of god when you'll never find it in your lifetime; to come face to face with them, and then still find a way to keep playing, to keep facing down your fears, to keep putting one step in front of the other; that requires pinning down something inside yourself that runs deeper than anything we have to fear from death. It requires making contact with the touchstone deep inside yourself that hopes that maybe we can, in this lifetime, get closer to our goals and our dreams, and to sublime happiness, whatever that means for each of us.
These are things I've always built my life around, but somehow Hikago has taught me to have unending faith in them. If Hikaru can push through and find his meaning, and see his way clear, after running up against that ultimate and darkest sadness, then I can too. So can we all. That is my hope.
this entire comment makes no sense because i'm just blubberingarboretumMay 13 2008, 06:02:12 UTC
um, I was nodding along, nodding along, agreeing with you all the way up until that last paragraph, when I burst into tears. great. thanks. fjgdfg.
I don't think I will ever really get over how deep a wound sai leaves when he disappears. it's not just. I mean. it's really not just about someone dying. not just about never being able to see someone you love again. it's all that and this sudden, stark sense of profound aloneness, and I'm so glad that kawai-san went with hikaru on that trip to innoshima, but even despite his presence, hikaru is so, so alone, all of a sudden, without sai. and there is nobody to grieve with him. and that hurts so much ugh, I can't even. I. ugh. that's why it makes me so happy (ahaha when I blink through my tears ahahaha) when akira finally finds sai. it's just. it's like hikaru has been in the dark ever since sai left, and he's pulled himself together, decided he has to keep going, and then suddenly, someone opens the door.
Re: this entire comment makes no sense because i'm just blubberingbookshopMay 13 2008, 06:23:53 UTC
GOD I HATE YOU :((
and then suddenly, someone opens the door
you know I just read that scene tonight and I stared and stared and stared at those pages. every time i read that scene i forget how intense that moment is - how completely hikaru's mind is blown. and how intense those panels are - how it's just the most incredible unexpected and earth-shattering moment for him.
i always have this akira filter going, and for akira the whole game is the opening door, because he's been waiting so long. Even when he finds Sai, he doesn't *know* - which makes it all the more profound when he stops looking for Sai because Hikaru is his love and Hikaru is enough. He doesn't know that his search is over; all he knows is that he's got Hikaru, and he's not alone, and this is what he's wanted.
and I think that's why, for me, the moment he reaffirms to himself during the hokuto that his trust in hikaru is enough is the most powerful illustration of the bond they have in the entire manga. it's just an act of such faith. oh touya :((
I don't think I will ever really get over how deep a wound sai leaves when he disappears. it's not just. I mean. it's really not just about someone dying. not just about never being able to see someone you love again.
you already know how completely i agree with this. it's also about taking your loved ones for granted, and not getting to say goodbye. and about realizing that you can't bargain to get them back. that you have to fight to remember them every day.
you already know how completely i agree with this. it's also about taking your loved ones for granted, and not getting to say goodbye. and about realizing that you can't bargain to get them back. that you have to fight to remember them every day.
what do you want me to say, jeez. he is basically perfection. I thought we had established already that I had accidentally fallen in love with him, too.
so this is the comment i meant to post last night, just before my internet diedarboretumMay 13 2008, 19:58:37 UTC
basically i think you should write that fic.
basically i think you should let touya find his happiness.
basically i think it is a noble goal to do so.
basically i think touya does find some measure of happiness by the end of the series in hikaru -- his equal, his friend, his rival... for eternity!
basically i think he and hikaru should be best friends forever, no matter what else happens, because somehow or another, they broke through that barrier of aloneness for each other, and that is something even more precious than touya's rare and ever-so-beautiful smiles. it is a little treasure of a relationship -- the way they understand each other, the way they totally hate each other except for how they don't, the way they know all about each other, the way they have absolute faith that the other will always be there, right behind or right in front, but always there -- and it should be protected. they will protect it, because they are crazy people, and in their eyes, there aren't really other people besides them, and there aren't really other things besides go.
Re: so this is the comment i meant to post last night, just before my internet diedbookshopMay 13 2008, 20:22:47 UTC
gosh. :( :( :( stop telling me to stop making you cry, unless you are going to return the favor. :(
i think touya already has the deep happiness that comes from a sense of purpose and love for go and his own strong will, but i don't think he has any sense of the happiness that comes from feeling deeply connected to someone else. But then he comes to understand hikaru's go and hikaru's like "for you, someday" and you are right you are always right, they are so protective of that connection and of each other. :(((((( as they get older and that bond inevitably comes to mean more and more to them over time, they're only going to be made happier by it. :( by each other. :(
oh god no i just like. :( :( :(
*uses emo akame icon in a flaily show of solidarity*
i don't think that's a counterproductive emotional response at all. to see through to the other side of love, of great art and great emotional moments in our lives, to the profundity and the deep sadness of joy, because it is transient, because life does end - I think that's a really key emotional step to gaining maturity and learning how to be an adult. Because it helps us recognize that life goes on despite euphoria, just as despite heartbreak. And helps us recognize, maybe ultimately tragically, that life will end, so we have to find meaning in every day we live, as often as we can. That's definitely something Hikago reminds me of daily. And it's not necessarily joyous. But it is sublime.
But I think also that to be able to see and experience that sadness, in art and in life, is to risk winning back something more precious: because I think when we let ourselves experience that sadness, we also risk the chance that ultimately, maybe, we will be able to push through to the ultimate source of our hopes and dreams.
Because to see those things, to come face to face with the heartbreak and the reality of pain and life ending and the utter futility of searching for the hand of god when you'll never find it in your lifetime; to come face to face with them, and then still find a way to keep playing, to keep facing down your fears, to keep putting one step in front of the other; that requires pinning down something inside yourself that runs deeper than anything we have to fear from death. It requires making contact with the touchstone deep inside yourself that hopes that maybe we can, in this lifetime, get closer to our goals and our dreams, and to sublime happiness, whatever that means for each of us.
These are things I've always built my life around, but somehow Hikago has taught me to have unending faith in them. If Hikaru can push through and find his meaning, and see his way clear, after running up against that ultimate and darkest sadness, then I can too. So can we all. That is my hope.
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I don't think I will ever really get over how deep a wound sai leaves when he disappears. it's not just. I mean. it's really not just about someone dying. not just about never being able to see someone you love again. it's all that and this sudden, stark sense of profound aloneness, and I'm so glad that kawai-san went with hikaru on that trip to innoshima, but even despite his presence, hikaru is so, so alone, all of a sudden, without sai. and there is nobody to grieve with him. and that hurts so much ugh, I can't even. I. ugh. that's why it makes me so happy (ahaha when I blink through my tears ahahaha) when akira finally finds sai. it's just. it's like hikaru has been in the dark ever since sai left, and he's pulled himself together, decided he has to keep going, and then suddenly, someone opens the door.
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GOD I HATE YOU :((
and then suddenly, someone opens the door
you know I just read that scene tonight and I stared and stared and stared at those pages. every time i read that scene i forget how intense that moment is - how completely hikaru's mind is blown. and how intense those panels are - how it's just the most incredible unexpected and earth-shattering moment for him.
i always have this akira filter going, and for akira the whole game is the opening door, because he's been waiting so long. Even when he finds Sai, he doesn't *know* - which makes it all the more profound when he stops looking for Sai because Hikaru is his love and Hikaru is enough. He doesn't know that his search is over; all he knows is that he's got Hikaru, and he's not alone, and this is what he's wanted.
and I think that's why, for me, the moment he reaffirms to himself during the hokuto that his trust in hikaru is enough is the most powerful illustration of the bond they have in the entire manga. it's just an act of such faith. oh touya :((
I don't think I will ever really get over how deep a wound sai leaves when he disappears. it's not just. I mean. it's really not just about someone dying. not just about never being able to see someone you love again.
you already know how completely i agree with this. it's also about taking your loved ones for granted, and not getting to say goodbye. and about realizing that you can't bargain to get them back. that you have to fight to remember them every day.
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yes, pretty much.
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ok look, you're supposed to say something about touya. i wrote you paragraphs. hello. TOUYA TOUYA TOUYA.
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what do you want me to say, jeez. he is basically perfection. I thought we had established already that I had accidentally fallen in love with him, too.
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PLEASE ELABORATE ON THIS PERFECTION OF WHICH YOU SPEAK. OF WHICH YOU NEED TO SPEAK MUCH MORE.
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basically i think you should let touya find his happiness.
basically i think it is a noble goal to do so.
basically i think touya does find some measure of happiness by the end of the series in hikaru -- his equal, his friend, his rival... for eternity!
basically i think he and hikaru should be best friends forever, no matter what else happens, because somehow or another, they broke through that barrier of aloneness for each other, and that is something even more precious than touya's rare and ever-so-beautiful smiles. it is a little treasure of a relationship -- the way they understand each other, the way they totally hate each other except for how they don't, the way they know all about each other, the way they have absolute faith that the other will always be there, right behind or right in front, but always there -- and it should be protected. they will protect it, because they are crazy people, and in their eyes, there aren't really other people besides them, and there aren't really other things besides go.
god, i love their crazy.
Reply
gosh. :( :( :( stop telling me to stop making you cry, unless you are going to return the favor. :(
i think touya already has the deep happiness that comes from a sense of purpose and love for go and his own strong will, but i don't think he has any sense of the happiness that comes from feeling deeply connected to someone else. But then he comes to understand hikaru's go and hikaru's like "for you, someday" and you are right you are always right, they are so protective of that connection and of each other. :(((((( as they get older and that bond inevitably comes to mean more and more to them over time, they're only going to be made happier by it. :( by each other. :(
it is a little treasure of a relationship
IT IS IT IS :((
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oh my god my landlords just came to show the apartment and i was STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF CRYING OVER THIS STUPID STORY WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR :(
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