Evernight! + LJ + Whip It
i have been mostly lolling along at this whole anthology thing. but i'm not gonna lie, i got a little misty-eyed when i read this.
Thanks to all of the people who read this journal, because you are the ones who make it a fandom cafe, you're the ones who make it special. I'm so happy you're all here. Thank you.
____
okay, enough of that. Yesterday I read Claudia Gray's Evernight!
Three Things of note:
1. Claudia Gray was totally in fandom before she wrote this book. I can SMELL THE FANFIC ON YOU, CLAUDIA GRAY. There are some authors you read and you just know that they wrote fanfic before they were published.
2. This book is apparently notorious for its ~spoilers~. Which I guessed on page two. I say that not to brag, but to illustrate that when you are aware that a book has A Spoiler, it is pretty durn near impossible not to guess The Spoiler. So I always read the book wondering if I would have guessed the spoiler had I not known that there was one. Which is a pretty crappy way to read a book! (Though honestly, the title of the freaking book is a giant spoilery clue, so I am thinking it probably wouldn't have been a surprise in any case.) But Evernight gets props for at least being readable enough not to totally bore me.
3. This book is basically Twilight meets numerous urban-fantasy-goes-to-high-school series meets Veela!Draco. I am not joking.
Evernight: A Summary!
~Our Cast~
Today the part of Evernight will be played by The Castle of Otranto.
Evernight: but please don't allow my brooding, gothic appearance and my name that means eternal darkness to put you in mind of centuries of folklore related to certain mythological creatures. Really.
The part of ~*Bianca*~ will be played by Draco Malfoy:
Bianca: my name means white & i'm a miracle baby & i totes have ~special Veela powers!~ Even though i'm such a terrible, terrible misfit here in this dank castle, boys all fight over me! My life! it is hard!
The part of ~Lucas~ will be played by Nate Archibald:
Lucas: I've discovered that by hunting girls in the woods and chasing them down without explanation, they will fall in love with me! no rly, it works every time!
The part of ~Balthazar~ will be played by Chuck Bass:
Balthazar: ...oh, please. Like you even need a reason. I'm Balthazar. Ironically, i'm the only guy in this castle not stalking someone. you would think this would cause the girls to flock to me, and yet.
The part of Erich will be played by Eric:
Erich: I stalk you at night. Also I basically look this psychotic all the time.
The part of Raquel will be played by Jenny Humphrey!
Raquel: see that guy? I think he's trying to rape me. No, really, guys, I really think he's going to try to - oh my god you all suck.
The part of Mrs. Bethany will be played by Mrs. Danvers.
Mrs. Beverly: I'm here just in case you weren't creeped out enough by all the near-rape happening at this school!
~The Plot~
Act One:
Bianca: I hate it here at Evernight! *runs away*
Lucas: *Stalks her in the woods, chases her down, and terrifies her*
Lucas: *catches up* ...oh, hey, what are we running from?
Bianca: MINE.
Readers: seriously?
Bianca: whatever, so I guess this means we're boyfriend & girlfriend, right?
Readers: ...
Lucas: So this movie I'm taking you to on our date? it's about a woman who thinks her husband might be a murderer. Just FYI.
Bianca: omg a date? that's so sweet! You're the sweetest boyfriend ever!
Lucas: I'm just saying, her problem is that she trusts people a little too easily.
Bianca: Shh! Your attempt at anvilicious foreshadowing is interfering with our cuddling!
Readers: *groan*
Lucas: *starts physical fights for no reason*
Bianca: omg gratuitous violence is so not ever cool! really! should I be alarmed? No, no way, this is Lucas! MINE. MINE MINE MINE.
Readers: *cringe*
Raquel: I hate it here at Evernight!
Bianca: I know, right? It seems as though this bizarrely Gothic school where the English classes tend toward the macabre and no one has a cell phone is naturally divided up into two groups: ~predators~ and ~prey~. Am I being metaphorical? Or is there something else more sinister at work?
Raquel: Um. Well, actually, I just meant I hate it here bc I think that guy over there is stalking me and wants to kill me.
Erich: *stalks*
Bianca: That's so nice!
Raquel: Also I totally think there are vampires at this school.
Bianca: You're so cute! I'm so glad we're friends, aren't you? Omg there's Lucas! mine mine mine mine mine!
Raquel: *speechless*
Balthazar: Hey, I'm hot, rich, gorgeous, into the same things you like, and willing to let you go gracefully without lying to you, hiding things from you, stalking you, getting violent, or potentially trying to kill you and your relatives.
Bianca: but you're not ~Lucas!~
Readers: *scream*
Mrs. Bethany: Your next reading assignment is Dracula.
Class: *is strangely reluctant to read about vampires*
Bianca: Excuse me, why aren't we reading about ghosts? This is a creepy castle, there could be ghosts, right?
Mrs. Bethany: In my English class you will read what I say, and I say we are going to read about vampires, is that clear? Vampires! Vampires vampires vampires!
Bianca: Sorry, I didn't know you were, like, so obsessed with vampires. It's not like we're, like, living in a castle in the middle of nowhere where it's dark and creepy all the time and everyone has trouble waking up early and dead rodents keep mysteriously turning up all over the grounds and my best friend keeps hearing strange things in the dark. Geez.
Mrs. Bethany: there are not enough Fs in the world for how badly you fail.
Bianca's parents: It's so nice that you and Lucas are all dating now!
Bianca: wow, you guys are being really cool about this. Aren't you going to, like, give me some talk about how my hormones are changing and I might start to experience strange impulses when I'm with him and how I should be careful and use protection and not give into any strange overwhelming physiological desire I might have to possess him mine mine mine mine mine mine mine
Bianca's parents: Nope! Stay out all night!
Bianca: Awesome!
Lucas: yeah, sorry about being all creepy weird about your in-crowd friends lately.
Bianca: whatever, om nom nom. *rips open Lucas's neck*
Lucas: *bleeds*
Bianca: oh gosh, oopsies!
Readers: *FACEPALM*
Bianca: so yeah, I'm, like, totally a vampire! Evernight is totally a school for vampires! What, didn't I mention it before?
Readers: *HEADDESK*
~Act Two~
Raquel: Hey, you know, I've got a really bad feeling about this field trip and that guy is still totally stalking me.
Bianca: awesome!
Raquel: Also I totally think there are vampires at this school.
Bianca: that's nice!
Raquel: so like, maybe just don't leave me al--
Bianca: omg Lucas, take me away! It's a good thing you don't know that I accidentally bit you and almost killed you!
Lucas: m'neck rly hurts...
Bianca: relax, it's just a flesh wound! Hey, have I ever told you how my favorite word is dubcon?
Erich: *divides Raquel from the herd, stalks her, terrorizes her, tries to kill her*
Bianca: oh, oops, sorry about that, Raquel! Let's get out of here and go back to the school, ok!
Raquel: Yes! Great! Take me back to the school so we can all act like nothing's happened and where I can be repeatedly stalked and harrassed by this Erich guy all over again!
Bianca: Exactly! Lies for everyone! I rock lying!
Raquel: Just like you rock feminism!
Erich: *continues to stalk*
Raquel: *is terrified*
Bianca: huh, I guess Raquel really is scared of this guy!
Readers: *HEADDESK*
Erich: *terrorizes Raquel by sneaking out on the roof to... make noises. or scary footsteps. or ...clomping around or something, idek*
Readers: seriously?
Bianca: you know, he's probably not that bad!
Raquel: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Bianca: fine, i'll go have a word.
Erich: you got to eat yours, why can't I eat mine!
Bianca: silly Erich, it's because I'm beautiful! You're weird and you spell your name funny.
Lucas: OH MY GOD YOU'RE A VAMPIRE! You're both vampires!
Bianca: oh, darn, we were having such fun!
Lucas: okay, so, i've gotten over the whole part where you failed to mention you suck blood.
Bianca: awesome!
Lucas: and the whole question of how the teachers manage to teach half the school how to be successful vampires without the other half of the school catching on. and how vampires who look young enough to be in high school also look old enough to get things like loans and credit cards and stuff. and why eight-hundred-year-old vampires even need to go to school to begin with. or how -
Bianca: sweetie? we talked about the long sentences.
Lucas: oh. right. anyway, so I'm over all that.
Readers: we aren't.
Lucas: so, like, now that you've bitten me once without my consent I have absorbed some of your special vampire powers?
Bianca: yes omg isn't it great? this way you can be mine mine mine mine mine forever!
Lucas: uh. yeah. sure. great. hey, you should bite me again so I can have some more of that special vampire power, I mean, uh, because I think it's really hot.
Bianca: oh, awesome, I love blood!
Readers: *throw things*
Lucas: so, hey, i just, i gotta go do this thing.
Bianca: omg I'm so lucky to have a boyfriend who trusts me so much. *__*
Raquel: Looks like Erich took off unexpectedly.
Bianca: see, silly, I told you he wasn't really going to try to kill you! he was probably just having fun!
Raquel: I hate you so much.
Bianca's parents: We're so happy our daughter's going out with a good, steady -- OH MY GOD!
Lucas: OH MY GOD. *fights Bianca's parents*
Bianca: What?
Bianca's parents: sweetie, your boyfriend's a vampire hunter. This thing he's doing right now, with the fighting? That would be trying to kill us.
Lucas: I love you, Bianca! *runs away*
Mrs. Bethany: Oh, hey, I found Erich's skull where your boyfriend used his new vampire powers to kill him!
Bianca: ...but that's okay, right? He was a creepy roof-stomping rapist anyway!
Mrs. Bethany: FAIL.
Readers: FAIL.
Bianca: ... Does this mean I can't ask him to prom?
Me: OH MY GOD I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE *THROWS BOOK ACROSS ROOM*
~The End.~
In other, very, very important news, Whip It is a wonderful movie in every way and I want femslash for it so badly you would not believe. Ruthless/Maven OTP, Juliette Lewis, oh my lord that woman could not be any hotter. Please please tell me you have all seen it. Omg it is the cutest. And so pro-girls, with none of the skeevy guy hangups that most girl movies have, and with tons of femslash and fishnets and SKATES. omg. It made me so happy. <333333