The first time she sees him she’s 16 and stops into her dad’s office to get him to sign a form giving her permission to participate in this year’s school musical, West Side Story.
He’s tall - especially so next to her - and has dark hair and eyelashes that look like they go a mile. He leaves her dad’s office when she comes in with a handshake for her dad, turns to her and grins saying, “Sorry Rachel, I’ll let you get to business with your father.” And then he’s just gone.
“Who is that man and how does he know who I am?” she asks her dad quickly. But her father just brushes it off with a response of the new kid and everyone is sick to death in this office of pictures, videos and news of you darling girl, but I’m the boss so they have to bear it before he takes the paper, signs it and kisses her forehead with a promise of vegan lasagna tonight for dinner.
She knows enough to know when she’s been dismissed so she scoops up her purse and heads out the way she came in, eyes darting in every direction, hoping to catch a glimpse of him or at least her dad’s assistant, Tina, who is always a good source for information.
She leaves that day disappointed, but intrigued.
*******
Two weeks later she calls with a purpose - her dad’s birthday is coming up and she promised her father she’d make sure that everyone at the company got the invitations and understood it was strictly casual and a surprise. Tina answers quickly and says she personally delivered all of the invites and told them not to tell. Rachel jokingly reminds her that she’s the one most likely to spill the secret, but her dad's pretty assistant just laughs. Just as she’s about to tell her all about rehearsals for the school musical, Tina shouts out, “Finn” and then tells Rachel to hold on a second. She hears a muffled conversation about a press release that he’d sent for LeRoy’s approval but she’s focused on the fact that Finn is a name she doesn’t recognize at all.
When Tina returns to the line, Rachel quickly steers the conversation in that direction. “Who’s Finn? I don’t recognize the name.”
“Oh my gosh, Rachel, he’s the new guy. Just to die for. He’s absolutely gorgeous and tall, sweet, funny as anything and really smart too. Your dad just loves him, so I’m sure he’ll be getting the dinner invite soon enough so you can see him for yourself. And of course, he’ll be at the birthday party.”
Finally, the new guy has a name to go along with his pretty face and charming grin and sweet manners and she’s decided that nothing will get in the way of her getting to know him better.
*******
Tina is right, he is so cute.
She’s not ashamed to admit that she’s spent a lot of extra time at dad’s office lately, offering to get snacks for everyone and late dinners. During that time she’s seen him six times and actually spoken to him alone twice, although neither were the in depth, personal conversation she is hoping to eventually have with him. She’s seen his interactions with the staff. He’s kind, open, encouraging - tough, but willing to listen to suggestions. She watched him out of the corner of her eye one week ago helping Sam in design get the logo that her dad wanted and he was just so gorgeous and smart and sweet while he spoke with him - never getting that frustrated sound in his voice that Jacob used to get with Sam when things weren’t exactly how he wanted them.
And now he’s coming to dinner at their house and she’s finally going to have him all to herself. It wasn’t that hard to make it happen. A mention to her father of wanting to try out a new dish, but wishing there was someone who would give their honest opinions because she knows he and dad always tell her she’s fabulous. She even makes the suggestion of it being the new guy from dad's work because he probably doesn’t know a lot of people in town.
Her father and dad did the rest and now Finn is walking in the door and handing LeRoy a dessert he brought with him and he is introducing Finn to her father with a broad, genuine smile, “This is my husband, Hiram” and he’s shaking hands with her father in greeting and then he’s in front of her.
“Hey Rach, it’s good to see you again.”
Her father looks momentarily startled, but she quickly reminds him that she’s been helping around the office lately and that’s where she’s seen Finn. Her father gives her a look.
“Yes she’s been such a little trooper, getting the staff anything they want and spoiling them. I don’t know how they’ll manage when she starts up play rehearsals in a week,” her dad responds, squeezing her close to his side and getting her away from her father’s glare.
They go through to the dining room - dinner was ready before he got here - and she places herself right in Finn’s line of sight. “Which play are you doing?” he asks.
She smiles widely happy to know she’s piqued his curiosity. “We’re actually doing a musical.” She can barely contain her bouncing on the seat across from him. “It’s West Side Story and I’m playing Maria.”
Finn grins back. “Wow! That’s a big play for a high school to perform. But I am sure you’ll be great.”
“Finn you’ve never even heard me sing.”
He and her dad both laugh. “I assure you I have. A large portion of my interview was your dad showing me a bunch of your videos because he wanted to 'get my opinion as a fellow artist' when I mentioned that I played the drums. I have to say, your voice …. It just blew me away. I’m pretty sure being wowed by your talent was a big reason I got hired.”
She blushes and tells him that can’t be true because her dad only hires the best. “Still, it was an amazing way to be interviewed,” he tells her. “It was definitely something I’ll remember forever.”
She looks up at him and their eyes meet, lingering a little too long and she can see something and it sparks hopes and dreams in her that rival her dreams of the stage.
Dinner is comfortable and she can’t help but notice how well Finn gets along with both of her dads and how charming he is and how he’s always trying to include her in conversation. He asks questions about herself and school (It’s okay and I have a few close friends who understand me) and her future plans because clearly she’s a gifted performer (Yes, of course, I want to sing. I’ll be going to New York and I plan to take Broadway by storm by the time I’m 22).
It’s like he’s always been there and she can’t help it later that night when she starts imagining a time in the future when they’ll be holding hands at the table and telling her dads about something they did the weekend before and just sharing a life together.
Sure it seems like a fairy tale (he’s 27 and she’s just 16 and he’s gorgeous and she’s never even had a boyfriend) but she’s Rachel Barbra Berry and if there’s one thing that Finn Hudson is about to learn about her, it’s that she gets what she wants.
*******
Ten days later she’s taking one last glimpse in the mirror to check her lipstick before heading down the stairs to the hotel ballroom her father rented tonight for dad’s birthday. Her fathers usually want her right by them, but since this is a surprise party for her dad, her father has asked that she handle the greeting duties.
Unfortunately, it must’ve taken a few minutes longer than she realized to do her hair tonight because when she arrives, Mercedes Jones, their usual party planner, has already greeted a dozen of their guests and one of them is Finn. He’s over with the DJ, making drumming motions with his hands and talking excitedly. She’d give anything to be over there too, understanding what has him so happy and animated, but she vows to bring it up to him later when she goes to talk to him.
After what feels like days, but she knows it’s only been a little over an hour, she's searching for a seat. Her dads have been there about a half hour and her feet are killing her. Kurt, her best friend who stuck her in these overly expensive torture devices, has been trying to talk her into dancing, but she just wants to find a quiet corner and rest for a minute; try get rid of this fake smile that’s been on her face all night.
She’s been there a few minutes when a giggling couple comes rushing up to her spot near the plants on the opposite side of the stage. The brunette bombshell and her girlfriend are so busy making out that they don’t notice her and she quietly slips away, jostling into someone before she turns around.
“H-hi!”
“Rachel, just the girl I’ve been looking for. I wanted to tell you what a great party this is. Everything is perfect.”
She feels her face heat up and she murmurs a “thanks” before assuring him that it’s really all Mercedes and not her.
“So you mentioned you’re a drummer, is that what you were talking to the DJ about?”
“Oh yeah,” he nervously tugs his hand through his hair. “You noticed huh? Actually, the DJ is my friend Puck. We’re in a band together and I was just explaining to him this sick new drum riff I’ve been working out.”
“I thought you just moved here.”
“No, I’m from Lima. I went away for school and then got a job there, but I realized my brother was growing up without me even really being there. I mean, yeah, we talked all the time and everything, but it just wasn’t the same as being there so when this job opportunity with your dad came up, it just seemed perfect.”
She can feel herself practically swooning, but she hopes he doesn’t notice. “And so you’re working for my dad and in a band? How does that work exactly?”
“Honestly, it’s nothing. We’re just playing around, it’s a local thing and just for fun. And of course, it’s a great way to meet --” he cuts himself off and now he’s blushing.
She nods knowingly. “I’m not a child. I’m sure it’s a great way to meet girls. Although, a gorgeous, successful guy like yourself probably has many ways of attracting people.”
“I - it’s not me, it’s my friends. They’re - anyway, you’re way too young for me to be talking to about girls and I’m not looking for anyone anyway so …”
“Oh, you’re just a love ‘em and leave ‘em kinda guy, Finn,” she teases. “That’s a bit -“
“There you are,” she turns at the sound of a voice approaching. “I’m sorry I’m so late Finn.” It’s a blonde she’s never seen before and she’s suddenly not surprised that he’s not looking for girls. The way this new woman is wrapped around Finn she’s completely unsurprised when a few moments later she’s being introduced to his girlfriend of 2 years, Quinn.
She can’t help the bitterness that enters her mouth when she exclaims, “How sweet! Your names rhyme and everything.”
Quinn squeezes his arm and then starts petting - yes she is petting - his face. “I know! Isn’t it so cute? It’s one of the ways I just knew we were destined for each other.”
The fake smile that had disappeared when she was talking with Finn is back on Rachel’s face and she knows it must look like more of a grimace. “Well, that’s lovely. I’ve got to go make sure everything is ready for the cake cutting. Finn, it was great to see you again. I’m sure I’ll see you around. Quinn,” she nods and then quickly turns on her heels, ignoring the “Rach” she hears falling from his lips.
She knows it’s ridiculous and she built it all up in her head, but it hurts to know that he’s got a girlfriend. When she looks up and sees him kissing and twirling Quinn around, it takes everything she has to not run to the bathroom and lock herself in a stall to cry. Instead, she checks the cake, checks on her dad and dances the rest of the night with Kurt, especially the slow ones, where her melancholy and natural flair for dramatics combine and allow her to imagine the many ways Finn could jealously stalk over and interrupt them.
And none of them come true.
*******
She spends the next few weeks avoiding everything to do with her father’s office and work and the name Finn Hudson. She throws herself headlong into the musical and doing things with Kurt and his boyfriend and flirting with boys, even though most of them don’t show her the time of day.
The musical ends up being a great success. She’s dreamed of being Maria her whole life and it’s wonderful. Blaine is actually a really nice Tony, even if he’s not her ideal Tony. He’ll do for high school and he is her best friend’s boyfriend so she can’t really say anything bad about him anyway.
The only downside is that for the first time she’s face to face with Finn again and Quinn is right there. She spotted them first sitting with Blaine’s parents and she sees him giving Blaine a big hug as Tina is hugging her and clapping excitedly over her costumes and voice. She listens as Tina tells her that her dads bought tickets for everyone in the office to come to opening night and enjoy her show, but Finn already had tickets because he’s Blaine’s stepbrother.
And she’s a little mad that Blaine never mentioned his very cute stepbrother’s name and that Finn never mentioned at dinner the night she went on and on about West Side Story that his brother was playing Tony, but all is forgiven when Blaine brings Finn and his parents - and unfortunately Quinn - with him to introduce her as his Maria. Quinn’s polite and tells her the show was good. Finn gives her a flower to congratulate her and even gushes a bit about how her voice is even better live.
She’s missed him, even though she barely knows him, and she can admit to herself that her crush is not gone. And he gave her a flower and was sending her these looks all night from the audience. She couldn’t be imagining all of it, could she?
*******
Later, at the after party, Kurt finds her talking with Casey, a friend of the kid who did lighting with the musical. He’s cute enough and a great distraction, but Kurt doesn’t care that she’s talking and just takes her by the arm, without an explanation.
Once they’re by themselves he starts with the questions. “How do you know Finn Hudson?”
“I - he works for daddy. You know that. He was at his surprise party. Why do you care?”
He brushes her off with a wave of his hand, “He brought you a flower. Why?"
“I don’t know. Why don’t you go interrogate him?” She crosses her arms defiantly. “What is with this anyway? Do you like him? You have a boyfriend, remember?”
“Yeah and Finn has a girlfriend, remember?”
Her eyes tear up. “I’m aware of his girlfriend. She was right next to him. Quinn. She’s very proud and enamored of the fact that their names rhyme.”
Kurt’s face softens. “Listen, Rachel, I’m not in love with him or anything, but it was pretty obvious from watching you that you’re a little crazy about him. And I get it, he’s cute. The first time I met him at Blaine’s, I was a little taken with him myself, but he’s too old for you and his girlfriend moved here to be with him. Don’t go imagining things that can’t happen.”
Later that night when she’s lying in bed and twirling the pretty violet tulip in her hand, she knows Kurt is right. It can’t really happen. But as she gently passes the delicate petals over her face, she can’t help but imagine Finn’s kisses traveling the same path and she knows it’s all she’ll dream of tonight.
*******
Now that the musical is over, school and Glee keep her pretty busy and she spends all of her free time with Blaine and Kurt and a bunch of cute boys that they know.
She spends time hanging out with Casey, who seems to like her - even though he’s graduated - and asks her out for dinner. He’s so nice and she manages to convince her dads to allow dinner with a 10:30 curfew and the deal breaker that they have to meet him first.
She’s just finished getting ready when the doorbell rings and she hears them greeting Casey and she knows it’s wrong but she gives them a couple of minutes to give him a hard time before she heads down.
“Casey, hello! I’m so sorry - ” she begins before gasping slightly, completely surprised to see Finn standing there with her fathers.
He gives her the grin, the one she sees in her dreams sometimes. “Sorry, it’s not Casey. Your dads were just telling me about your date. First one, huh? That’s a big deal.”
“Yeah.” She can’t sit here and make small talk with him. She just can’t. And she knows it’s silly because he doesn’t even know about her ridiculous little crush and she hopes he never will so she can only imagine what he’s decided is the reason for her behavior.
“I hope he’s taking you someplace nice. Not Breadstix. It’s okay, but it’s definitely not first date nice. And you definitely deserve first date nice Rachel.”
She feels tears filling her eyes and is forever grateful that the doorbell rings and brings Casey. She wipes her eyes and introduces him to her fathers and Finn and then ushers him out the door quickly before they can scare him off, or worse, scare her off.
*******
She wishes they had scared him off because the date is just a disaster.
He does take her to Breadstix, which she understands because he’s a boy who stocks shelves on weekends at Save-a-lot while trying to pay for community college. He can’t really afford nicer and she knows that she isn’t going to attract a lot of attention from boys with her crazy dresses and high maintenance personality.
What she does hold against him is the way he keeps touching her leg even though she’s very firmly removed it each time. Or the way he can’t really hold a conversation even though she comes equipped with at least a dozen topics ranging from musicals to sports and whether or not their English teacher is really a stripper in North Lima on the weekends. He barely grunts one word answers and gets a dreamy look about their English teacher. And she definitely holds it against him later in her driveway when he tries to get to second base and then calls her a tease when she pushes him away.
“You’re a pig,” she yells as she jumps out of the car. “Lose my number.”
“Don’t worry. The only reason I asked you is because I thought you’d be desperate.”
She’s crying by the time she gets to the door. She’s so stupid. Boys are stupid. Casey, especially, is stupid.
“You’re home early,” her dad says to her, without looking up from the table where he and Finn are working. “Did you have fun?”
She takes a deep breath trying to get the tears out of her voice and praying her dad is distracted enough not to notice. “Um … yeah, it was fine.”
“That’s good. He seems like a really nice boy.”
“Yeah, he’s just great,” she manages to force out of her mouth. She looks at her dad to just verify that he believed her, but her eyes end up locking with Finn’s and it’s clear by the look on his face that she isn’t fooling him. “Good night, daddy. Night, Finn.”
She goes to her bathroom and washes her face, taking her time and trying to calm down. She’s humiliated, not even because of what he said. It's the fact that she fell for his stupid lines and really thought he liked her. She hates feeling stupid.
She walks out and is surprised to see Finn leaning against the wall across from the door. “Your dads don’t know that you’re upset, but I have a mom. And yeah, she’s happy now, but it took her a long time before she met Blaine’s dad and I’ve seen her come home crying because of guys way more than I want to remember. Do I need to go beat up that boy for you? Did he do something to you?”
She’s touched by his concern and it actually makes her feel a little better. “No. I mean, he upset me, yes, but it’s more my embarrassment over the situation that I put myself in, rather than him hurting me.”
“Yeah? I don’t want you lying to me the way you just did to your dad.”
She reaches out a hand to his and squeezes it. “I promise. He just wanted more than I wanted to give and made it clear that it was the only reason he asked me out. I’m just so horrified that I let myself believe that he liked me and that he’s right that I was desperate enough to say yes.”
He smiles softly at her and her heart is beating so fast. “Guys are dumb Rachel. And they’re going to be dumb for a long time. But someday you’ll find someone decent who really appreciates you for everything you have to offer and not just sex.” She blushes involuntarily when he says it. “Better?”
She nods in response, too afraid that her voice will crack or something else equally mortifying. “Do you have any girlfriends?”
“I talk to Tina.”
He shakes his head. “No, I mean like girls your age that you do things with?”
She shakes her head. “I just have Kurt.”
“Well I have this cousin, she’s a little older than you are but she’s fun and she’s going to be home in a couple of days for winter break and I think you’d get along great with her. Why don’t I take you for coffee this weekend and introduce you two?”
And just that quickly she’s gained a new friend and maybe two.
*******
She tells her fathers that Finn is taking her to coffee to meet his cousin and her dad nods and tells her to have fun, while her father just looks incredulous.
“I thought you were dating Casey,” he says.
“That didn’t work out and besides I’m not dating Finn.” Her heart picks up just at the phrase and she hopes her father doesn’t think she’s lying just because she wishes so badly that she was dating him. “He’s picking me up and then we’re meeting his cousin Harmony. I don’t even think he’s staying. He’s just setting us up because he thinks we would hit it off. It’s not a big deal Papa.”
She sees him melt just like she knew he would when she pulled out her pet name for him. When the doorbell rings, he hugs her and hands her $40 and tells her to be sure to treat everyone, including Finn and to give him gas money if he needs it.
The car ride is comfortable. He asks her how long she’s known Blaine. “It’s just so strange to me that you would be so friendly with my brother and I’ve never seen you.”
“Well, we’ve only been friends for about a year - we met when he started dating Kurt and we usually hang out and meet at Kurt’s so that’s probably why we never saw each other. And it’s not like you really live there.”
“True.” He nods. “You and he were really good together in West Side Story.”
“Thanks! He’s extremely talented, though he lacks my serious vocal training and would benefit greatly from a few hours a week with a good vocal coach. He definitely has the dreamy look of Tony so that was a plus. Of course, someday I’ll be playing Maria on Broadway and so this was a perfect way to train for that.”
Finn chuckles at her, but it is warm and nothing like when other people laugh at her. “I wish I’d had half of your confidence and understanding of what I wanted to do when I was your age. All I knew for sure was that I wanted to get out of Lima and see things.”
“But you came back?”
He’s quiet and sighs a bit. “When you get older you realize that not everything is better out there and I just never really fit in Portland. I missed my family. Even though my parents were only married about 2 years before I left I really came to love Blaine and Jack as my true brother and father. I - I never had a father and then Jack came in and he was so good to me and my mom, ya know? Six years of only seeing them at Christmas just got old and the last two years with Quinn, she just didn’t want to spend every vacation coming to my home.”
She listens to him and feels herself getting a little choked up. He really loves his family.
“You know, Blaine is going to New York next year with me and Kurt.”
“Yeah, but that’s not as far away as Portland.” Her heart beats faster when he says it like that, like maybe he might see himself there too. “And I’m pretty sure Quinn won’t mind vacationing in the City.”
It’s quiet after that because how are you supposed to respond when you keep breaking your own heart over and over.
*******
Harmony is actually the most perfect friend she’s ever had. When Finn said they were similar, it’s like the understatement of the century. They look like they could be sisters, only their completely different noses giving it away, and Harmony is a musical theater major at NYU and she’s a little bit bossy and opinionated, but that’s okay. The first coffee goes so well they ditch Finn - well, actually Harmony kicks him out (Thanks for setting us up Finn but now you’re just keeping us from girl talk. I’ll get Rachel home. Bye!)
The girls quickly become inseparable. They shop for Hanukkah and Christmas gifts and talk about everything. Harmony tells her all about how different it is for her in New York than she thought it would be. She’s always been the best so it was an eye opener to suddenly be thrust into a program surrounded by talented people. Her first year was a mess, she was miserable and she drank too much and hung out with the wrong people because she’d gotten into a funk, but she pulled out of it and realized just because there were others who were talented, it didn’t mean she wasn’t talented as well. She just had to find new ways to shine. After that epiphany she threw herself into her studies, cleaned up her act and basically tried to make herself indispensable to everyone else, while still displaying her talents. Luckily, her second year had been much better and she even had a featured part in the school musical this year.
Rachel looks at her nervously when she’s telling her all this. She’s never really thought about other people. She’s always been the most talented person around herself. She’s the clear lead in Glee and there was no one else who could’ve been Maria. She can sing, dance and act. But this information, that someone so like her -- that someone as confident as Harmony -- could be made to feel insecure throws her a little bit.
Luckily, Harmony notices, pulls her into a hug and reassures her that it won’t be like that for her.
“How can you be so sure?”
The older girl smiles at her. “Easy, you’ll have me to look out for you and keep you on the right path and Kurt and Blaine. And trust me, if we don’t, we’ll have a very upset older brother type on our cases.”
After that she doesn’t even get upset when Harmony accompanies her to her voice lesson and proceeds to tell her all the ways that her vocal coach is ruining her.
*******
She gets a text after dinner one night from Harmony that says, “Get ready, I’m coming over.”
When she texts back asking where they’re going, she just gets a response of “Out!” and a follow up, “And dress cute, not like your kind of cute though. Kurt’s cute.”
She knew it was a bad idea to allow them to become friends, but there really was no way around it considering they’d already met through Blaine and she supposed it was better than Kurt getting jealous of her spending time with someone else. She reluctantly changes out of her owl sweater and switches to something her best friends would deem more appropriate.
When Harmony gets there, she’s not surprised to see Blaine and Kurt with her. Rachel jumps in the front seat and turns to her friends. “So now can I know where we’re going?”
“Band practice at Finn’s house.” She can’t help the giddy grin that covers her face and she knows she’s busted when she looks up to see Harmony looking at her. “Figured I could give you some more fuel for your nighttime fantasies of my cousin, you little perv.”
Her mouth just hangs open, no words coming out but she hears Blaine and Kurt snickering behind her. “I - What?”
“Don’t act innocent. We all know you’ve got some sort of older man love for Finny Bear going on and we get it, he’s cute and he’s super nice to you. And trust me, I’d rather spend the rest of my family reunions forever hanging out with you than with Quinnie,” Rachel can hear the sarcasm in her friend's voice. “And while it’s probably illegal in some state and your dads will probably kill Finn if he deflowers their little girl, I’m all for putting you in his path as often as possible. He’s half in love with you already.”
“You’re crazy!” she admonishes Harmony.
“Actually,” Blaine begins, sitting up and leaning in closer to her. “Finn’s definitely feeling something for you and if I know my brother, it’s not entirely innocent either.”
“Oooh, share with the rest of the class what you know,” Kurt joins in.
She’s so embarrassed right now that what she thought was her deepest, darkest secret really isn’t. But she’s also curious to get some insight into the man she’s crazy about. They’ve seen each other a lot the last few weeks with the whole group, but they've had plenty of alone time too. It’s better when Quinn isn’t with him because she has this way of occupying all of his time and also being rude to Rachel, but she prefers when she and Finn can just spend time together, talking about their days or favorite music.
“Okay, so first, he talks about you a lot. He’s also been complaining to me more about Quinn than ever before, which he never does.”
She rolls her eyes. “That proves nothing. I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Finn is not interested.”
“Are you finished?” She nods curtly. All this is doing is putting her in a bad mood. “Finally, every time your name comes up at dinner or anything, Finn’s face gets red and he has this gassy infant look. It’s Finn’s classic guilty look which tells me he’s thinking decidedly bad things about Miss Berry over here or he wouldn’t be doing that.”
“Excellent reconnaissance work, Blaine.” Harmony tells him. “Now, we’ve just got to get rid of Quinn -“
“That’s not easy, she’s kinda beautiful,” Rachel argues.
“ - which shouldn’t be too hard,” Harmony continues, without even acknowledging Rachel’s argument. “I’m pretty sure she’s fucking around with Puckerman so it should be just a matter of time before that blows up. If we can figure out a way to make it come out sooner, that could help.”
“What? I don’t think crushing him will help.”
“Well, of course you aren't going to crush him,” Kurt says as if she’s a simpleton. “You are just going to be a shoulder to cry on and perhaps a face to kiss as he recovers from his heartache and then he falls in love with you and comes to New York and we’ll all live there together happily ever after.”
“I just don’t -“
Harmony pats her on the hand. “It’s not for you to worry about. We’re taking care of it now. I’m sure you had some kind of plan, but it just wasn’t working. We’re speeding things up that’s all. Leave everything to us.”
She feels a sinking feeling in her stomach and just knows that this isn’t going to go well.
*******
When they get to Finn’s, they don’t hear any music other than Sam tinkering on his guitar. Puck’s hanging by the bedroom door, listening intently, while Mike is playing on his phone.
She wanders over to Sam. “Hey! I didn’t know you were in the band.”
He nods to her and then whispers, “Finn just asked me to join. I guess their other guitar player quit.”
“Oh.” She looks around the room. “So what’s going on?”
“Break. Finn and Quinn have been arguing all evening. It’s been quiet in there for a while, but I don’t really know what’s going on. Just trying to stay out of it.”
She knows she’s gotten all she can out of Sam and looks over at Puck. She’s met him a few times, at her dad's party and a few Sundays when he and Finn came over to watch football with Mr. Anderson and she was there with Blaine and Kurt. Needless to say, she’s learned a lot more about that particular sport than she ever needed to learn, but it was time well spent. She thinks Puck likes her a little bit. She watches as he makes a face and storms off to the kitchen.
“Hey.”
He looks up startled, but covers quickly. “Oh hey Jailbait, how’s it going?”
She hates that particular nickname as she is not Jailbait, but she supposes it’s slightly better than Hot Little Jew, which is what he calls her when she complains. “It’s going. We came for band practice. When is it going to start?”
“I suppose it’ll start when the Golden Couple can get their hormones under control. They’ve been fighting non-stop all afternoon and now they’re in there making out.” She cringes at this information. “Hopefully, they’ll come up for air soon and remember there’s a room full of people out here who don’t want to be subjected to them having sex.”
With that he stomps out of the room and back over to the bedroom door where he bangs on it. “Hey! We’re still waiting out here for practice and there’s young impressionables so you might want to control the moaning and get the fuck out here.”
Finn comes scurrying out a minute later and greets his brother and Kurt, kisses his cousin and then turns, locking eyes with her. His hair is a mess and she’s pretty sure his shirt is inside out, but she can’t turn away and then Quinn is there, face flushed and kisses to his cheeks and “that was so good baby” and he still doesn’t stop looking, but she has to turn.
Yes, she wants him and in her head she’s promised herself a thousand times that she would have him at any cost - her father’s disowning her, Quinn cursing them, even running away together. But it’s just not that easy. Life isn’t just some movie or play where she can control the outcome just by sheer force of will and she knows that the plan in the car was for her to just be there in front of him. But she's just not sure it'll ever happen.
She soon realizes she has him though. She’s got his attention. She can feel it every second of this practice. His eyes are constantly turning to her and on that achingly beautiful love song he sings about a girl just out of his reach, she swears she hears his voice crack just for a second, the vulnerability seeping through and she knows he's thinking about her.
The problem is Quinn has him too and she had him first and for some unfair reason, that’s just how it’s going to be - at least for now.
*******
The holidays come and go and she's invited to the Andersons for a quiet New Year's Eve game night. She brings her best brownies and some banana bread for the next morning. It's Finn's favorite -- Blaine's too -- so she refuses to feel like she's doing anything bad.
Luckily for her Quinn has gone home to Portland for the week and so she's free of nasty glares and sweet sounding put downs for the night. She's got Finn's undivided attention. Well, sort of.
"Jack you absolutely can not put down that card. It's cheating, pure and simple."
Turns out her favorite mild-mannered giant is extremely competitive. She's watched him complain his way through Scattegories (No Kurt, pleasantly plaid is not a color), Battleship (Is there a mirror behind me that I don't know about mom?) and he's currently lodging a massive protest against Jack's move in UNO.
It's the cutest thing she's ever seen.
Just before midnight the family heads out to set up to watch the fireworks their neighbors are setting up. She stays behind to grab her jacket and is surprised to see Finn on the couch when she comes back out.
He smiles shyly at her. "I'm glad I caught you alone. I have a little something for you. It's like a combined birthday-Hanukkah-I know you don't celebrate Christmas but I do gift." He shrugs his shoulders nervously before producing a rectangular shaped box.
"But Finn I didn't get you anything."
"Are you kidding? That banana bread has my name all over it. Blaine doesn't stand a chance of getting any."
She laughs and then turns her attention to the box. It's wrapped in a generic paper, sloppily, so she knows he did it himself. She tugs carefully, savoring this moment. When she pulls the lid off she gasps at the sight of the delicate necklace and star pendant.
"Oh...."
"I got you a star," he begins quickly, "Because you're always talking about stars being a metaphor for you being a star. I hope it's not too much --"
"No, it's perfect! I love it. Put it on for me?"
She hands him the necklace, spinning around, and it's nothing like the movies. He isn't trembling hands or hot breath in her neck, but when he finishes and she turns back around, he does finger the necklace carefully. And yes, his fingertips do brush her collar bone and she does shudder.
"It looks beautiful," he tells her.
He doesn't move closer though she can feel him warring with himself and the next moment the spell is broken when Blaine comes in looking for them.
*******
About a month later she's back over, waiting for Kurt and Blaine to come down the stairs so they can head to the movies. She's visiting with Carole and she just adores the older woman so much. She's become the mother she never had and it helps sometimes to have someone to talk to about things.
"Rachel? Can I ask you something?" Carole asks her once they've moved beyond catching up school and her auditions coming up for NYU and NYADA.
"Of course."
"I was just wondering ... This is so awkward." She panics for a moment, fearing that Finn's mom has figured her out but then she continues through quickly. "I'm worried about you. Isn't there any young man at McKinley that you've got your eye on? You know we love you and I know Kurt and Blaine are your best friends, but it must get lonely sometimes."
"Oh. No there's ... there's no one really. I mean, sometimes I think there's this one guy, but I know it's never going to be anything."
Carole looks so excited. "What's he like? Have you tried talking to him?"
What was she thinking? She should have lied and said she was going out tomorrow n a date. How is she supposed to talk about Finn to his own mother? "We're actually friends. He's really nice. But we're just not in the same place right now. I just want to focus on New York." She smiles reassuringly at Carole. "I promise you I'm fine. I'm not lonely. And I have my whole life to find love. Right now I have to focus all my energy on these auditions. Let me tell you about what I am planning to knock the socks off the NYU people."
*******
Before she knows it, Spring break has arrived and Blaine and Kurt are "We are free for the next week" party at Blaine’s house, but there are all sorts of people invited, including Finn and Quinn, which means the band is invited too.
She’s chatting with Harmony and Tina when Puck comes sauntering over to her. “Looking good, Jailbait. That dress uncovers all your best features.”
“Charming as ever Puckerman,” Harmony mutters from beside her.
“Listen baby, there’s plenty of room on board the Puckerman Express. I’ve got a first class ticket with all three of your names on it.” He smirks and slings an arm around Rachel's shoulder. “You can all check in at the same time, if you’d like. I’ve got no objections.”
His speech is a little slurred so she knows he’s drunk, but she's still surprised when his teeth make contact with her ear a second later.
“Noah, I’m really not interested.”
“Oh no, of course not. Hot for my boy Hudson there, just like every other girl we’ve ever known.” He backs up a bit and sneers. “Newsflash princess - he’s not yours and he never will be.”
She shrugs it off for a while, guessing she’s had her first encounter with a mean drunk. She watches Puck out of the corner of her eye though. He’s got a dangerous look, flirting shamelessly with every woman here, regardless of her age. He even flirted with Blaine’s grandma for a while. It would be amusing if it wasn’t so jarring.
Nothing affects Puck.
Ever.
He gets drunk - all the time actually. But he doesn’t get mad. What has him so upset that he’s behaving like this? She wants to ask him straight out, but she’s afraid of the answer.
She knows the way that he looks at Quinn. She can feel his desire for Quinn every time they’re in the same room. How can Finn not be overwhelmed by it?
After about an hour she decides to just bite the bullet and confront him in a quiet area of e backyard, half hidden in trees and shadows. "What is wrong with you, Puckerman? I know we're not really friends, but someone needs to help you. You're a mess. This just isn't you."
Noah's hand finds her head and pats it condescendingly. "You're right Princess. You don't know me. But this is me. I'm a sex shark and I'm looking for fresh meat. So unless you're offering ..." He trails off quirking an eyebrow at her suggestively.
"No," she states firmly, reaching for his forearm. "Talk to me Noah, let me help you."
He flings her hand from his arm and then turns on her, eyes cold and voice low. "My problem is your Prince got my Princess pregnant. My problem is that she made me think it was over between them and she just needed to end things and I was stupid enough to believe her. I broke my number one rule and I'm a fool and I can't even excuse it away as teenage infatuation like you can."
Her face blanches at his words and the tears fall before she has a chance to notice. "Quinn is pregnant," she breathes out, more to herself than Noah.
"That's what I said Berry. And they're going to stay here and live in their perfect little castle, living their perfect little dream, with their perfect little family." She stands perfectly still as he moves closer. "Fantasy over little Princess. So are you ready to have some fun now?"
She looks up at him, his face obscured through her tears and nods slowly.
He smirks and wraps an arm around her shoulder. "Thought you might. Come on Berry. We'll make each other feel real good," he whispers in her ear as he pulls her away from the party and upstairs.
She's numb as she follows him into a bedroom where he gently pushes her onto the bed before his mouth latches onto her neck, sucking hard enough that somewhere in her brain beyond Quinn is pregnant and Fantasy over little princess she knows it will leave marks. But she doesn't care. Her body is going through motions, but she doesn't gasp into his mouth as it descends on hers. She doesn't want to moan his name or rake her fingers down his back. She just feels numb.
His hand is moving steadily up her thigh when she hears a pounding on the door. It barely registers and she figures it's just someone else looking for a room and then suddenly there's crashing and Noah's body is yanked from hers and she feels arms around her and she hears, What the fuck are you thinking ... my boss's daughter ... so out of it you don't see her crying ... Over you Asshole ... get the hell out of here before I pound your face in Puck.
And then there's silence and she looks around and Kurt is still holding her and Finn is kneeling before her, reaching out, but she freezes and he looks at her, softly and with a hint of fear in his eyes, "What can I do for you, Rach?"
Her voice is soft, but strong when she tells him coldly, "Nothing. I don't need anything from you, ever again."
*******
Over the next few weeks she knows she isn't herself and it's worrying her friends. They hover and try to keep her active -- game nights, karaoke, movies -- but she's just not in the mood to be good company. She goes through the motions because she loves Blaine, Kurt and Harmony and so she tries and then ends up crying in her room after they leave. They think it's because she let herself be seduced by Puck (or almost seduced) and she can't voice the real reason. She knows it'll ease up once Harmony goes back to school in a couple of days.
Noah comes by and apologizes for taking advantage of her. She nods and tells him he has nothing to apologize for as she was willing even if neither of them was in their right mind. He tells her she's an okay kid and asks her if she's gonna be okay. She shrugs and he heads out the door with a nod.
She realizes quickly that she can't let him leave without knowing one thing so she rushes out to the porch.
"Noah?"
He turns and looks at her, mumbling out a "Yeah."
"The night of the party -- you said ... Is it at all possible that you're the father of that baby?"
He looks at her and his face crumbles a little. "Listen, they're together and the whole world knows it and has no reason to think any differently. Finn is a great guy -- the best really. He has everything to offer that baby and Quinn and they're going to be a family. And you're gonna go to New York and become the star that Finn is always saying you'll be. And you'll forget about this little crush you had and everyone will be happy."
She feels the tears forming, her eyes burning with frustration. "And what about you? What do you get?"
"Exactly what I deserve."
*******
At the end of April she gets a phone call from a teary Harmony. "What's wrong? Did you bomb the audition for the Spring showcase? Harmony?"
"Did he call you? Did you know?"
She closes the book she was reading and sighs, knowing this is going to be a long phone call. "Did something happen with Rory? He wouldn't call me. We've really only spoken --"
"No, Rory and I ... We're fine. Oh God, please don't tell me that I am the one who has to tell you? I am going to kill my cousins."
"Oh!" She pauses and wills away the tears. "No, I already know. And no, Finn didn't tell me. It was Noah."
Her friend is silent and probably thinking. "The party. That's when he told you and that's why you've been so upset. I'm so sorry Rachel."
She's been dealing with this the last eight weeks, coming to terms with the fact that it was just an infatuation and clearly one sided on her part as he was still having sex with his girlfriend to get her pregnant. "It's okay. It was just a silly crush and honestly, love is just going to get in the way of my career. What would be the point of getting involved with someone 11 years older, who works for my dad and just has no real interest in leaving his family behind again? I'm going to New York. It's my future and that's what I am going to focus on."
"Okay."
"So fill me in on everything. How was the audition?"
And she listens to Harmony's excitement over the semester and tries to force the image of Finn, Quinn and their baby from her mind.
*******
She does try hard to forget. She goes out on two dates with a nice boy her dads know and it's good and she let's him kiss her, but it's not even close to how she felt the times Finn just held her hand. So when he asks her on a third she tells him she's swamped with Glee competitions and auditions for schools and lets him go.
She avoids daddy's office as much as she can and tries to arrange all meetings with Kurt and Blaine for Kurt's place. It's just easier even though she likes Finn's mom, Carole and misses her mothering influence. She just can't stand all the gushing about the baby. She's hanging on by the smallest thread and she can't afford any set backs.
Unfortunately, she can't avoid him forever so when she stops in with a paper for her dad to sign, of course Finn is in his office. The conversation is stilted as she congratulates him on the baby and his eyes look so forlorn as he looks at her. She can see it, wonders if her dad can tell that Finn feels something for her too. Something he's probably forced aside because of their circumstances. She wonders if he's trying to let the idea of her go the way she is trying with him.
As soon as her dad signs the paper, she kisses him on the cheek, waves absently at Finn and tries to get out as quickly as possible. But Finn has other plans and catches her before the elevator door closes.
"Hey. I just ... I was wondering if I could talk to you for a second. Can I take you for coffee?"
Her heart aches with the desire to say yes, but she knows it's just not good for her. "We really shouldn't."
"Are we not allowed to be friends? I just want to talk with you." He grasps her hand and pleads, "I got really used to seeing you, hanging out, watching football. I've missed talking with you."
She wants to be furious with him. Instead she just looks at him -- his face anxious and hopeful. "You need to get used to it. You're having a baby and it's going to take up all of your time and I ... I'm leaving Finn. As soon as I finish high school I'm getting out of here so I can just be free and not here."
He recoils a little, then turns his head and presses the stop button. "I know that. I've always known that. You're so good and beautiful and you don't belong here," he tells her softly. Taking a step closer, he reaches for her again and this time she moves with him, clasping his hands in hers. "I tried so hard to stay away from you. It isn't right. You're so young and not meant for here and I was -- am -- with Quinn. But you're all I think about. Talking with you at dinners with your dads, watching you perform, just listening to you talk about your day when you came by here, were some of the happiest times of my life. I've been living on those moments and everything got so fucked up and this sucks. I know it does. I can't offer you anything. I don't want anything. I just wanted you to know that if things were different I --"
And she can't help herself, she wraps her arms around his neck, pulling down as she pushes up to her tiptoes. It's awkward at first because of the height difference, but then his arms wrap around her waist and pull her up just enough that it feels better.
He kisses her the way she's always dreamed of being kissed. There's passion and reverence and soft sometimes and harder when their breath is giving out, but they don't want to let go.
"Excuse me! Is everything alright in there?" a faceless voice squawks from the call box. "Hello!"
He pulls back, settling her to the ground, but his arms stay around her. "Uh yeah, sorry. I just hit the wrong button. We'll start it."
The voice leaves with an okay and they stare for a moment before Finn turns and starts the elevator up again. "Rach ..."
She shakes her head. "Don't, you don't need to say anything else." There's a ding and she knows they've hit the bottom floor. She stands in the door and looks at him. "I don't regret that. It was everything I wanted. But Finn, I would regret it if I didn't tell you this. You need to ask Quinn if that baby is really yours because I think it's possible it's not. Ask her about Puck." And she turns quickly, ignoring his shouts as the elevator doors close.
*******
The last two weeks of May pass quickly, but she feels better than she has in weeks, maybe months. She knows a big part of that was telling Finn the truth. It's true she hasn't spoken to him, but she knows she's done her best and the rest is in the hands of the universe. She knows he could hate her if it turns out to be true but she didn't tell him to make it over between him and Quinn. She told him because it's the right thing. She honestly doesn't even know if he's done anything with the information.
At graduation she sees him briefly. He looks tired but that could be anything, including long nights on the project daddy's been going on and on about. When her name is called her dads clap loudly but there's also a piercing whistle and when she makes eye contact she knows that was Finn. She blushes thinking of him cheering for her so eagerly but again, she knows it means very little in the whole picture. She's been too afraid to ask Blaine about things not wanting to share possibly private information before Finn has a chance to do so.
After, she's hugging Kurt and Blaine eagerly and their parents are standing around talking about how much they've grown and finalizing plans for the trio's move to New York, when Finn joins them. He hugs Blaine and tells him how proud he is of him and then he shakes Kurt's hand and she feels herself melting a little on the inside.
Finally, he turns to her and his smile lights up his face, juxtaposing harshly with the bags under his eyes and pale skin. "Hey," he whispers.
"Hi."
"Can I talk to you for a second? Alone?"
She nods and follows him a few feet away. She hears Blaine make an excuse for them moving away. She turns to face him, anxious to hear what he has to say.
"Congratulations! Valedictorian is a huge deal."
Shaking her head, she silences him with a look of warning. "Are we really going to make small talk?"
He chuckles lightly before piercing her with a sincere gaze. She can feel her heart pick up speed. "No, I guess not. I just ... I wanted to tell you I took your advice. I confronted them about it. Quinn -- well she denied it pretty vehemently, but Puck. I guess he was just done with the lying. He admitted they'd been sleeping together since Halloween."
She places her hand on his forearm, squeezing gently. "I'm so sorry Finn."
His arm lowers and her hand slides down until he grasps it in his own. "I'm not." He takes a deep breath. "The truth is, the baby could still be mine. We won't know for a few weeks, but either way, I'm glad to know the truth and I'm done with Quinn. She's pretty pissed though so if she figures out it was you, you might want to avoid being within eyesight."
She smiles with him, happy he can make any joke. "So what happens now?"
His hand releases hers and grabs a fistful of his hair. "The paternity test and then ... I don't know. I'm pretty sure Quinn is going to move back to Portland. She hates it here. She even blamed the cheating on my need to 'move back to this hell hole.' If the baby is mine we'll work out something. But I'm not moving back there."
"You like the hell hole?"
He wraps his arm around her shoulders, guiding her back to their families. "I think I told you once it's closer to New York. That makes me appreciate it even more." He winks, releasing her and grabbing Blaine in a headlock on the way out the door. She notices Carole looking at her and when she smiles tentatively at her, Finn's mom beams back.
She doesn't know what to make of any of it.
*******
She breathes in deeply, smelling the fumes and listening to the noise all around her. Looking up she sees the apartment building that is about to become her home. Everything feels so right.
She's alone. She flew in yesterday and picked up the keys, while the boys are riding with Mr. Anderson and all their stuff in the moving truck, something about a bonding experience. She'll stick to bonding with them over shared dinners and pass on a sixteen hour drive in a truck, thank you very much.
They texted her an hour ago telling her they were just hitting the city so she knows they'll be there any second. She decides to peek in and enjoy the quiet of her first NYC apartment.
She's only just rubbed her hand across the countertop in the kitchen and looked out the window (great view of the brick building next door!) when her phone chimes and she knows it's the boys. She rushes down the stairs, ready to grab them and share their first NYC apartment hug (they have a lot of first planned, okay -- they're a little excited) only to be stopped in her tracks.
Standing in front of her is the dark haired man of her dreams, smiling brightly and a little out of breath. The next second she is too as he reaches out to swing her into his arms, twirling her. "Surprise!"
When he sets her on the ground, she holds on tight, afraid he'll disappear. She finally manages to stutter out a barely understandable, "You're here," before being hugged again.
"I hope you don't mind me crashing the party." She wants to tell him he can crash anything his heart desires as long as he keeps his arms around her, but he doesn't seem to want to let go and she's so unused to this with him that she doesn't want him to think she wants him to let go. "Rach?"
She buries her head in his chest and sighs. "I am so glad you're here. But I am also 85% sure I've been mugged and am lying in an alley somewhere imagining this."
He pushes back a little, just enough to make eye contact. His gaze is soft and ... No she won't even think it for fear of jinxing this. "I'm here and I need to talk with you. Kurt and Blaine went to get coffee so we have about 15 minutes."
She nods and pulls him up the stairs to the apartment and they flop down on the floor, facing each other and still holding hands. "Soooo ..."
He squeezes her hand reassuringly before beginning. It's perfect. "I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here and a million other things." He breathes out and pops his neck a bit, obviously nervous. "I guess I should start with the baby isn't mine."
"Wow ... I never --"
"And I quit my job," he cuts in. "I spoke with your father and explained to him that sometimes you have to follow your destiny."
She's bewildered. What is his destiny? "Did the band find something?"
"And I told him that if things worked out I'd still see him plenty and I hoped I could count on a good reference. Because I needed to find something quickly and it needed to be something that could have a future because I see myself married someday."
She nods her head. She's beginning to hope, but maybe she's wrong. She's read things to be more than they were before.
His hand moves to her face, pushing back her hair and brushing her cheek. "Things are different now, Rach," he whispers. "Everything is different."
And in at moment, as she launches herself into his arms, peppering his face with kisses, she knows everything is different. "And daddy wasn't mad? You told him you were coming here?"
"LeRoy took it really well. Told me if I hadn't quit, he would've fired me himself. Hiram, on the other hand --"
She places her hands on either side of his face, looking closer for cuts or bruises. "Did my father hit you?"
"Let's just say I am probably not going to be his favorite person for a while, but your dad and my mom have promised to work on him so we can maybe go home safely at Thanksgiving."
She laughs and kisses him sweetly and when Kurt and Blaine join them minutes later, she's still wrapped in his arms and she knows it'll all be fine. After all, she got her guy when it seemed impossible. Convincing Papa it's the best thing to ever happen to her will be so much easier.