Fire and Ice - Chapter 24
Thanks for waiting so long for the update! - C&H
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Setting: AU/AU
Rating: NC-17 for the whole story
Disclaimer: The characters of Ennis and Jack belong to the fabulously talented Annie Proulx. No disrespect is intended. Any OCs are mine.
Summary: Ennis del Mar is a defenseman and Jack Twist a left wing on a minor-league hockey team who meet when Ennis is assigned to Jack’s team.
Feedback: Yes, please. Always welcome.
Warnings: M/m smex, drinking, homophobia, foul language, angst, injuries, more smex, and occasionally some hockey thrown in.
Thanks to: everyone who’s been so kind to Heidi and me while we work through the extraneous BS. You guys rock.
Dedicated to: former NHLer John Kordic. Miss you, buddy.
Chapter 24
Ennis sighed as his phone rang again. Luckily, Jack was at that night’s game against Michawaga and Ennis was home alone so he wouldn’t have to hide the call.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Ennis!” came his Uncle Brett’s booming voice. “How are you doing, son?”
“I’ve been better,” he sighed. “How’re you, eh?”
“I’m fine,” Uncle Brett said cheerfully. “Aunt Margie sends her love.”
He managed a modicum of enthusiasm for his aunt and cousins. “Tell ‘em hi for me, to the whole family.”
“I will,” Brett answered. “So, your mom tells me you injured your knee again.”
“Yep. ACL this time, and some cartilage.”
“Well, I think at this point we need to do a double bundle reconstruction.”
“A what?” asked Ennis, alarmed.
“It’s a more extensive surgery, one that repairs both bundles of tissue around the ligament instead of just one and helps with the stability in the knee. I’ve been doing them for a couple of years, mostly on athletes. It’s for kids like you who are playing sports or are more active in their jobs, who really use their knees for leverage and mobility.”
Ennis smiled slightly at being referred to as a ‘kid’. “What’s the turnaround time?”
“You mean to play again?” asked Brett.
Knowing his uncle knew him well, Ennis bit his lip. “Yeah. I want to keep playing.”
“Well, it’s about the same as a single bundle. But you know there’s no guarantee, right?”
“I know,” Ennis nodded, even though no one could see him, and he bit his fingernail. “But you did right by me before.”
“That was a while ago. And you were younger,” Brett advised. “Now, I know you’re not an old codger like me, but the older you get, the harder it is to come back.”
“You’re not old. You’re only 48-not even old enough to be my father.”
“If you think you can’t become a father at 20, you need to go back to school, my boy,” Brett laughed, and Ennis even chuckled. “So, have you talked to your team? Will they let you come home for this?”
Ennis remembered his conversation yesterday with Paul Desjardins, the general manager of the Tornadoes. “Yeah. They’d prefer I stay here, but when I told them Dr. Brett Mikayluk was my uncle, they backed down.”
A moment passed as both uncle and nephew reflected on the elder man’s reputation as one of the best orthopedic surgeons in Western Canada. “Okay. So when do you want to do this?”
“I have to meet with the surgeon here tomorrow, but I’m going to tell him that you’re going to do the surgery. But the team said I can go home anytime. Can we do it next week?” Ennis asked hesitantly.
“I’ll have my nurse call you,” Brett replied. “I think I might have some open spots, but she’ll know. Do you want me to call your surgeon down there?”
Ennis said yes and gave him his name and number.
“Okay. Let me talk to him and get your records and films, and we’ll go from there.” Brett sighed. “I’m really sorry about this, Ennis. I hope I can help you.”
Ennis sighed. “Me too. I just…I just want to play.”
“I’ll do my best. But you know, there’s therapy and everything else involved. You’re going to have a busy summer, buddy.”
“I know. I’ll do whatever you say.”
Brett sighed. “Okay. Let me call your surgeon tomorrow.”
They talked a little more, said their goodbyes, and then Ennis got his crutches and headed out to the living room to watch TV until Jack got home.
***
The next day Jack drove Ennis to Dr. Hudson’s office. They checked in for the appointment and took seats in the waiting room- and all the while Ennis barely spoke a word.
Neither of them even made the pretense of flipping through a magazine or watching CNN on the plasma TV in the lush waiting area, but Jack was at his wit’s end. He wanted to yell at Ennis, beg him for an explanation, even hit him--anything to get a reaction from the statue-like man beside him. He knew Ennis was injured and hurting and, most of all, depressed; but all his efforts to take care of him, cheer him up, and help him had been insignificant to Ennis, and that made Jack angry. What’s his problem? he asked himself. I know he’s unhappy and hurt, but God dammit, I’m doing the best I can! Why doesn’t he see that?
Jack honestly didn’t know if it was Ennis’s injury or Jack himself that had Ennis so down. Ennis had said he was having doubts about their relationship again; something had happened but Jack had no idea what. But Ennis had told him that he was thinking about the situation between them. Now he was acting hurt and silent, treating Jack like an enemy instead of his lover and his best friend. As they waited for Dr. Hudson, Jack felt self-doubt creep into his mind. Did I do something to piss him off? Did I say something inadvertently to scare him, to chase him away? As much as he wracked his brain, he couldn’t think of a single thing-other than, of course, his unbridled enthusiasm in bed. He managed to lasso his smile before Ennis saw it, because he knew he really shouldn’t smile about something that might have made Ennis angry. He knew he could be effusive sometimes, could say and do things during sex that might shock other people, especially a man as tightly clenched as Ennis. But when Jack remembered their afternoon in the laundry room and subsequent lovemaking, he knew his enthusiasm hadn’t been just his own-every time he thought he’d gone over the edge, Ennis was right there with him, holding on with an encouraging smile on his face and a look in his eyes that made it all worthwhile. Remembering that made Jack feel a bit better, but not knowing why Ennis was upset still left him confused and hurt.
Jack heard the door to the inner office open and Ennis’s name was called. Ennis grabbed his crutches and stood, and Jack joined him, but he stopped dead when he saw the stony look on Ennis’s face.
“Jack-just stay here. I want to go in alone.”
Jack was stunned and hurt. He’d just assumed he’d be going in to the appointment with him. After a moment, though, he realized that if he were just a teammate, there would be no reason for him to go in with him. “Okay,” he said quietly, sitting back down and concentrating on the TV. He refused to look at Ennis, but he felt the other man’s stare. Without turning back to Ennis, he said flatly, “You better hurry up. They’re waiting for you.”
He felt, rather than heard, Ennis turn on his crutches and hobble away through the office door. It feels like he’s leaving me forever, Jack thought.
***
As Jack sat and waited through interminable, repeated stories on CNN of a warehouse fire in Cleveland and a Senator in trouble for sexual harassment, Ennis was being examined by Dr. Hudson in a cool, sterile room that gave Ennis the shivers.
Actually, it wasn’t the room that bothered Ennis; it had been the look in Jack’s eyes when Ennis had told him to stay in the waiting room, the disappointment Jack fought not to show but that Ennis knew was there anyway. When he ignored Ennis, he knew he’d really pissed Jack off. Jesus, Jack, what am I supposed to do, let you hold my hand while Dr. Hudson looks at my knee? I told you, it isn’t gonna be that way.
Although his mind was elsewhere, he sucked it up and concentrated on his exam. Dr. Hudson measured his range of motion in both knees and checked his quadriceps-muscle strength in both as well. Both tests hurt his damaged knee like hell, but he knew it couldn’t be helped. After Dr. Hudson listened to his heart and lungs, he pronounced him fit for surgery.
“So,” the doctor began. “My nurse told me you don’t want to schedule surgery yet.”
“No, I don’t.” Ennis sighed and looked out the window, and then looked back at Dr. Hudson. “I know you’re a great doctor, but my uncle, Brett Mikayluk, is one of the best orthopedic surgeons in Canada. He’s done my knee before. No offense, but he’s really who I want to have work on it. He said something about a double-bundle reconstruction. He thinks that’s the way I should go.”
At the words ‘double-bundle’, Dr. Hudson’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “I’ve heard of him. I read a paper of his last year. He’s good. I have no problem with you going to him if that’s what you want. It’s totally up to you. And just for the record, I think a double-bundle is a good idea, and I don’t do those, so I’d have to refer you to another surgeon anyway.”
Ennis nodded. “So I can fly home? It’s okay?”
“Sure, but have the team arrange with the airline to take you in a wheelchair. Don’t get all macho about it. You need to conserve that strength for after surgery.”
Ennis nodded again. “Thanks.”
Dr. Hudson stood up and shook Ennis’s hand. “Good luck. Tell your uncle to call me and let me know your progress.”
Ennis grinned. “He’s actually going to be calling you today.”
“I thought he might,” smiled Dr. Hudson. “Tell him to have my secretary page me if I’m not available. And I’ll have her fax your records.”
Ennis got up and hobbled out to the waiting area where Jack sat, seemingly engrossed in a magazine. He smiled slightly when he saw Ennis.
“How’d it go?” he asked, tossing the magazine on the table.
“Good,” answered Ennis. “He says the swelling is down enough to go ahead.”
Jack nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets. “So when are you going to have surgery?”
“Probably next week,” Ennis lied. “Um-I didn’t schedule it because the lady who does that wasn’t in yet. She’s going to call me later.”
Jack’s eyebrows dipped in confusion, but he said nothing. “Okay. You want to go get something to eat?”
Ennis’s heart twinged a bit, knowing that later he would remember that about Jack, that he was always hungry to matter what. “Sure,” he agreed, even though he knew that he probably wouldn’t eat a bite.
***
“What’s wrong with you?” asked Jack with a half-full mouth, using his fork to point at Ennis’s plate of pancakes and eggs. “You okay? You’re not eating.”
“M’fine,” Ennis mumbled, stabbing some egg and lifting it to his mouth.
“You need some pain pills?”
“Nope, I’m fine. Took ‘em this morning when I got up.”
Jack looked down at his plate and thought about what to say next. “You know, Ennis, I’m trying here. I’m really trying.”
Ennis bit his lip, knowing how hard this was for both of them. “I know-“
“Wait, I’m not done,” Jack said quietly. He looked around to see if anyone else could hear them, but they were mostly alone, the morning-breakfast crowd having cleared out of the restaurant some time ago. “You know what? You’ve been treating me like shit. All I’m trying to do is help you, and you’re acting like I don’t exist.”
Ennis shamefully looked down at his plate, putting his knife and fork down.
“I know it sucks being hurt,” continued Jack. “It does. Nobody wants that. Even Bobby said so, in the bathroom at the game.” Ennis’s eyebrows dipped. “Yeah, he told me he was sorry you got hurt. Weird, huh?”
Ennis nodded.
“But I’m just trying to help you. I remember the things you said-about us, about trying to figure things out. I just have a question-how do you see me?”
Ennis’s eyes shot up to Jack’s, and the flat look in those blue pools frightened him. He looked around the restaurant, and then answered. “What do you mean?”
Jack bit his lip. He paused before answering, and looked down at his plate. “Never mind.”
“C’mon, Jack-“
“No. Forget it.” Jack looked down at his pancakes and shoved some in his mouth. “I just got my answer.”
***
Ennis felt on the verge of tears the whole way home. He didn’t understand what Jack wanted. He knew he was stupid in relationships; he never knew what to say, what to do, what the other person wanted. That was probably why he didn’t get along with his family that well; he always felt like his mother was the only person who never judged him. He had always thought that his father was confused by him, or disappointed; his brother and sister treated him indifferently. Once Karen had snapped something about Ennis escaping to play hockey and not helping enough on the ranch, and it seemed that she resented it. But Ennis had never promised to do their ranch work; his dream had always been to play hockey in the pros and help out at home during the summer, when there was the most work to do. He could understand their resentment; he did feel like he was abandoning them every September when he had to leave for training camp, but it couldn’t be helped. And after thirteen years of playing hockey in juniors and pros, he thought they should be used to it by now.
And now Jack-Jack was doing the same thing. Ennis didn’t know what he wanted from him.
Does he want me to declare my undying love or something? he wondered. Why does he not get it, that this is so fucking hard for me? I’ve never felt this way. Ever. About anyone. And yet he pushes and pushes and pushes me, not letting me get my shit together. God dammit Jack, just give me some time to deal with this…please.
He glanced over at Jack a few times. Jack’s impassive face stared out the windshield, hard and almost lifeless, but Ennis could see the pain there. Actually, he admitted to himself that more than seeing it, he could feel it.
***
When they got home, they gave each other a wide berth. Jack did laundry, worked on his computer, and made some phone calls; Ennis made his calls in his room. He knew he had to call Mike, the coach, and explain his decision to go home and have the surgery. He dialed with a shaky hand, but it wasn’t because he was afraid to tell Mike- it was because he was afraid to tell Jack.
After explaining to Mike that he was going to go home, Ennis went on. “I need to ask a favor.”
“Sure, what is it?”
Ennis swallowed. “Can you not tell the guys till after I’m gone?” He paused. “I-I don’t want anyone fussing or fawning over me about it. Just tell ‘em after I’ve left. Is that okay?”
“Anything you want, Ennis. When are you leaving?”
Ennis explained that he hadn’t made his travel arrangements yet, but was going to do so that night.
“Okay. Just let us know and we can get you to the airport.”
They talked for a while longer and then hung up. Ennis stared into space in his room for a long time, thinking about what Jack had said that morning about how Ennis saw him. How do I see him? he asked himself as he bit his nails. I love him-I told him that. Why doesn’t he understand that I have to do this? We just can’t keep going on. We’ll both be destroyed in hockey if we continue. And if we lose hockey, we could end up hating each other, or even end up apart. Or if we’re still playing, one of us could get traded. Then what do we do, try to have a relationship seeing each other a couple times a season? Hooking up in hotels when our teams play each other? Fuck that. Whatever it ends up being, if we get outed we’ll lose everything-us, and our careers. So it’s best to just end it now, before the shit hits the fan. And if someone already knows because of the picture, then it’s eventually going to come out.
He knew that he hadn’t been kind to Jack the past few days, but if he was to carry out his plans he had to start cutting the cord now before things got any more confusing between them. He couldn’t lie to himself--it hurt. Ennis felt his heart being chopped in two every time he saw that look on Jack’s face that said how could you do this to me? He felt like he’d kicked a sick dog. Ennis could only hope that someday, when their relationship was long over, Jack could look back and see what Ennis was trying to do: putting distance between them now was only going to make the break that much easier at the end.
He had to admit, though, that it was going to hurt like hell to break up with Jack. The thought of Jack with someone was else was abhorrent to Ennis; it almost made him physically ill to think of Jack with another man. But in his odd way of thinking, he thought that if Jack found someone else after his retirement, he’d at least be safe to pursue the relationship-out of the public eye, he could finally have his private life that he’d always wanted. It just wouldn’t be with Ennis.
He wished he could ask Jack about retiring. He wanted to know if he still intended to leave hockey at the end of the season, but it wouldn’t matter; Ennis would still be back next season, and wouldn’t there be talk if Jack had retired and Ennis was playing, and they still lived together? Ennis shivered at the thought of what people would say. But Jack’s retirement was really a moot point; their relationship would have to end. Jack had already said that he wasn’t going to wait forever for Ennis, and unbeknownst to him, Ennis had already set the wheels in motion to break it off-no matter how much it hurt both of them.
Ennis tasted blood. He looked down at his hand and saw that his cuticle was bleeding, so he went into the bathroom and got a bandage. He wrapped his finger and went back to the bed, sitting down carefully and swinging his leg up onto the pillows for elevation. His finger stung, but he figured he deserved it. All he had done was bring misery to Jack, and he was about to bring more. A cut finger was little retribution for the pain, and didn’t compare to how his heart felt.
***
On his computer, Jack checked the league scores and statistics, and it showed that he still led all scorers in the league by 14 points. He sighed, tapping his fingers on the desktop, his chin in his hand. He soon got bored and played a little pinball and solitaire, but lost interest in those as well. He grabbed his most recent book and went into his bedroom to read, the words swimming on the page. He scowled and threw the book across the room, laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
Dammit, Ennis, what are you doing?
He just couldn’t wrap his head around Ennis’s thought processes. What’s wrong with him? I know something had to have happened; something triggered him to do whatever the hell it is that he’s doing. He said he’d chill out and we’d wing this, and then he closed up shop. Was it really something, or did he just decide he didn’t care about me anymore? That thought had never occurred to Jack before, but he dismissed it quickly. If Ennis didn’t care, he wouldn’t be here. He’d have moved out or something. Maybe it’s just his depression, Jack reasoned. Maybe after the surgery, when he’s fully healed, he’ll be back to normal and we can get on with this. We can spend the summer here; I can show him all the little towns on the Bay. Maybe we can go camping up in the mountains before next season starts. Jack had always liked camping as a kid; he was sure that Ennis would like it too. A plan started to form in his head. Yeah, we can drive up into the mountains and maybe look at some properties for sale. If we both quit and moved out of town, away from everyone, we could have a private life where we wouldn’t have to worry about being outed, about anyone seeing us and figuring it out. Maybe Ennis would be okay with that, at least when his career is over. I just have to convince him that it could be a sweet life.
For the first time in days, Jack actually smiled.
Tbc…
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Setting: AU/AU
Rating: NC-17 for the whole story
Disclaimer: The characters of Ennis and Jack belong to the fabulously talented Annie Proulx. No disrespect is intended. Any OCs are mine.
Summary: Ennis del Mar is a defenseman and Jack Twist a left wing on a minor-league hockey team who meet when Ennis is assigned to Jack’s team.
Feedback: Yes, please. Always welcome.
Warnings: M/m smex, drinking, homophobia, foul language, angst, injuries, more smex, and occasionally some hockey thrown in.
Thanks to: everyone who’s been so kind to Heidi and me while we work through the extraneous BS. You guys rock.
Dedicated to: former NHLer John Kordic. Miss you, buddy.
Chapter 24
Ennis sighed as his phone rang again. Luckily, Jack was at that night’s game against Michawaga and Ennis was home alone so he wouldn’t have to hide the call.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Ennis!” came his Uncle Brett’s booming voice. “How are you doing, son?”
“I’ve been better,” he sighed. “How’re you, eh?”
“I’m fine,” Uncle Brett said cheerfully. “Aunt Margie sends her love.”
He managed a modicum of enthusiasm for his aunt and cousins. “Tell ‘em hi for me, to the whole family.”
“I will,” Brett answered. “So, your mom tells me you injured your knee again.”
“Yep. ACL this time, and some cartilage.”
“Well, I think at this point we need to do a double bundle reconstruction.”
“A what?” asked Ennis, alarmed.
“It’s a more extensive surgery, one that repairs both bundles of tissue around the ligament instead of just one and helps with the stability in the knee. I’ve been doing them for a couple of years, mostly on athletes. It’s for kids like you who are playing sports or are more active in their jobs, who really use their knees for leverage and mobility.”
Ennis smiled slightly at being referred to as a ‘kid’. “What’s the turnaround time?”
“You mean to play again?” asked Brett.
Knowing his uncle knew him well, Ennis bit his lip. “Yeah. I want to keep playing.”
“Well, it’s about the same as a single bundle. But you know there’s no guarantee, right?”
“I know,” Ennis nodded, even though no one could see him, and he bit his fingernail. “But you did right by me before.”
“That was a while ago. And you were younger,” Brett advised. “Now, I know you’re not an old codger like me, but the older you get, the harder it is to come back.”
“You’re not old. You’re only 48-not even old enough to be my father.”
“If you think you can’t become a father at 20, you need to go back to school, my boy,” Brett laughed, and Ennis even chuckled. “So, have you talked to your team? Will they let you come home for this?”
Ennis remembered his conversation yesterday with Paul Desjardins, the general manager of the Tornadoes. “Yeah. They’d prefer I stay here, but when I told them Dr. Brett Mikayluk was my uncle, they backed down.”
A moment passed as both uncle and nephew reflected on the elder man’s reputation as one of the best orthopedic surgeons in Western Canada. “Okay. So when do you want to do this?”
“I have to meet with the surgeon here tomorrow, but I’m going to tell him that you’re going to do the surgery. But the team said I can go home anytime. Can we do it next week?” Ennis asked hesitantly.
“I’ll have my nurse call you,” Brett replied. “I think I might have some open spots, but she’ll know. Do you want me to call your surgeon down there?”
Ennis said yes and gave him his name and number.
“Okay. Let me talk to him and get your records and films, and we’ll go from there.” Brett sighed. “I’m really sorry about this, Ennis. I hope I can help you.”
Ennis sighed. “Me too. I just…I just want to play.”
“I’ll do my best. But you know, there’s therapy and everything else involved. You’re going to have a busy summer, buddy.”
“I know. I’ll do whatever you say.”
Brett sighed. “Okay. Let me call your surgeon tomorrow.”
They talked a little more, said their goodbyes, and then Ennis got his crutches and headed out to the living room to watch TV until Jack got home.
***
The next day Jack drove Ennis to Dr. Hudson’s office. They checked in for the appointment and took seats in the waiting room- and all the while Ennis barely spoke a word.
Neither of them even made the pretense of flipping through a magazine or watching CNN on the plasma TV in the lush waiting area, but Jack was at his wit’s end. He wanted to yell at Ennis, beg him for an explanation, even hit him--anything to get a reaction from the statue-like man beside him. He knew Ennis was injured and hurting and, most of all, depressed; but all his efforts to take care of him, cheer him up, and help him had been insignificant to Ennis, and that made Jack angry. What’s his problem? he asked himself. I know he’s unhappy and hurt, but God dammit, I’m doing the best I can! Why doesn’t he see that?
Jack honestly didn’t know if it was Ennis’s injury or Jack himself that had Ennis so down. Ennis had said he was having doubts about their relationship again; something had happened but Jack had no idea what. But Ennis had told him that he was thinking about the situation between them. Now he was acting hurt and silent, treating Jack like an enemy instead of his lover and his best friend. As they waited for Dr. Hudson, Jack felt self-doubt creep into his mind. Did I do something to piss him off? Did I say something inadvertently to scare him, to chase him away? As much as he wracked his brain, he couldn’t think of a single thing-other than, of course, his unbridled enthusiasm in bed. He managed to lasso his smile before Ennis saw it, because he knew he really shouldn’t smile about something that might have made Ennis angry. He knew he could be effusive sometimes, could say and do things during sex that might shock other people, especially a man as tightly clenched as Ennis. But when Jack remembered their afternoon in the laundry room and subsequent lovemaking, he knew his enthusiasm hadn’t been just his own-every time he thought he’d gone over the edge, Ennis was right there with him, holding on with an encouraging smile on his face and a look in his eyes that made it all worthwhile. Remembering that made Jack feel a bit better, but not knowing why Ennis was upset still left him confused and hurt.
Jack heard the door to the inner office open and Ennis’s name was called. Ennis grabbed his crutches and stood, and Jack joined him, but he stopped dead when he saw the stony look on Ennis’s face.
“Jack-just stay here. I want to go in alone.”
Jack was stunned and hurt. He’d just assumed he’d be going in to the appointment with him. After a moment, though, he realized that if he were just a teammate, there would be no reason for him to go in with him. “Okay,” he said quietly, sitting back down and concentrating on the TV. He refused to look at Ennis, but he felt the other man’s stare. Without turning back to Ennis, he said flatly, “You better hurry up. They’re waiting for you.”
He felt, rather than heard, Ennis turn on his crutches and hobble away through the office door. It feels like he’s leaving me forever, Jack thought.
***
As Jack sat and waited through interminable, repeated stories on CNN of a warehouse fire in Cleveland and a Senator in trouble for sexual harassment, Ennis was being examined by Dr. Hudson in a cool, sterile room that gave Ennis the shivers.
Actually, it wasn’t the room that bothered Ennis; it had been the look in Jack’s eyes when Ennis had told him to stay in the waiting room, the disappointment Jack fought not to show but that Ennis knew was there anyway. When he ignored Ennis, he knew he’d really pissed Jack off. Jesus, Jack, what am I supposed to do, let you hold my hand while Dr. Hudson looks at my knee? I told you, it isn’t gonna be that way.
Although his mind was elsewhere, he sucked it up and concentrated on his exam. Dr. Hudson measured his range of motion in both knees and checked his quadriceps-muscle strength in both as well. Both tests hurt his damaged knee like hell, but he knew it couldn’t be helped. After Dr. Hudson listened to his heart and lungs, he pronounced him fit for surgery.
“So,” the doctor began. “My nurse told me you don’t want to schedule surgery yet.”
“No, I don’t.” Ennis sighed and looked out the window, and then looked back at Dr. Hudson. “I know you’re a great doctor, but my uncle, Brett Mikayluk, is one of the best orthopedic surgeons in Canada. He’s done my knee before. No offense, but he’s really who I want to have work on it. He said something about a double-bundle reconstruction. He thinks that’s the way I should go.”
At the words ‘double-bundle’, Dr. Hudson’s eyebrows lifted slightly. “I’ve heard of him. I read a paper of his last year. He’s good. I have no problem with you going to him if that’s what you want. It’s totally up to you. And just for the record, I think a double-bundle is a good idea, and I don’t do those, so I’d have to refer you to another surgeon anyway.”
Ennis nodded. “So I can fly home? It’s okay?”
“Sure, but have the team arrange with the airline to take you in a wheelchair. Don’t get all macho about it. You need to conserve that strength for after surgery.”
Ennis nodded again. “Thanks.”
Dr. Hudson stood up and shook Ennis’s hand. “Good luck. Tell your uncle to call me and let me know your progress.”
Ennis grinned. “He’s actually going to be calling you today.”
“I thought he might,” smiled Dr. Hudson. “Tell him to have my secretary page me if I’m not available. And I’ll have her fax your records.”
Ennis got up and hobbled out to the waiting area where Jack sat, seemingly engrossed in a magazine. He smiled slightly when he saw Ennis.
“How’d it go?” he asked, tossing the magazine on the table.
“Good,” answered Ennis. “He says the swelling is down enough to go ahead.”
Jack nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets. “So when are you going to have surgery?”
“Probably next week,” Ennis lied. “Um-I didn’t schedule it because the lady who does that wasn’t in yet. She’s going to call me later.”
Jack’s eyebrows dipped in confusion, but he said nothing. “Okay. You want to go get something to eat?”
Ennis’s heart twinged a bit, knowing that later he would remember that about Jack, that he was always hungry to matter what. “Sure,” he agreed, even though he knew that he probably wouldn’t eat a bite.
***
“What’s wrong with you?” asked Jack with a half-full mouth, using his fork to point at Ennis’s plate of pancakes and eggs. “You okay? You’re not eating.”
“M’fine,” Ennis mumbled, stabbing some egg and lifting it to his mouth.
“You need some pain pills?”
“Nope, I’m fine. Took ‘em this morning when I got up.”
Jack looked down at his plate and thought about what to say next. “You know, Ennis, I’m trying here. I’m really trying.”
Ennis bit his lip, knowing how hard this was for both of them. “I know-“
“Wait, I’m not done,” Jack said quietly. He looked around to see if anyone else could hear them, but they were mostly alone, the morning-breakfast crowd having cleared out of the restaurant some time ago. “You know what? You’ve been treating me like shit. All I’m trying to do is help you, and you’re acting like I don’t exist.”
Ennis shamefully looked down at his plate, putting his knife and fork down.
“I know it sucks being hurt,” continued Jack. “It does. Nobody wants that. Even Bobby said so, in the bathroom at the game.” Ennis’s eyebrows dipped. “Yeah, he told me he was sorry you got hurt. Weird, huh?”
Ennis nodded.
“But I’m just trying to help you. I remember the things you said-about us, about trying to figure things out. I just have a question-how do you see me?”
Ennis’s eyes shot up to Jack’s, and the flat look in those blue pools frightened him. He looked around the restaurant, and then answered. “What do you mean?”
Jack bit his lip. He paused before answering, and looked down at his plate. “Never mind.”
“C’mon, Jack-“
“No. Forget it.” Jack looked down at his pancakes and shoved some in his mouth. “I just got my answer.”
***
Ennis felt on the verge of tears the whole way home. He didn’t understand what Jack wanted. He knew he was stupid in relationships; he never knew what to say, what to do, what the other person wanted. That was probably why he didn’t get along with his family that well; he always felt like his mother was the only person who never judged him. He had always thought that his father was confused by him, or disappointed; his brother and sister treated him indifferently. Once Karen had snapped something about Ennis escaping to play hockey and not helping enough on the ranch, and it seemed that she resented it. But Ennis had never promised to do their ranch work; his dream had always been to play hockey in the pros and help out at home during the summer, when there was the most work to do. He could understand their resentment; he did feel like he was abandoning them every September when he had to leave for training camp, but it couldn’t be helped. And after thirteen years of playing hockey in juniors and pros, he thought they should be used to it by now.
And now Jack-Jack was doing the same thing. Ennis didn’t know what he wanted from him.
Does he want me to declare my undying love or something? he wondered. Why does he not get it, that this is so fucking hard for me? I’ve never felt this way. Ever. About anyone. And yet he pushes and pushes and pushes me, not letting me get my shit together. God dammit Jack, just give me some time to deal with this…please.
He glanced over at Jack a few times. Jack’s impassive face stared out the windshield, hard and almost lifeless, but Ennis could see the pain there. Actually, he admitted to himself that more than seeing it, he could feel it.
***
When they got home, they gave each other a wide berth. Jack did laundry, worked on his computer, and made some phone calls; Ennis made his calls in his room. He knew he had to call Mike, the coach, and explain his decision to go home and have the surgery. He dialed with a shaky hand, but it wasn’t because he was afraid to tell Mike- it was because he was afraid to tell Jack.
After explaining to Mike that he was going to go home, Ennis went on. “I need to ask a favor.”
“Sure, what is it?”
Ennis swallowed. “Can you not tell the guys till after I’m gone?” He paused. “I-I don’t want anyone fussing or fawning over me about it. Just tell ‘em after I’ve left. Is that okay?”
“Anything you want, Ennis. When are you leaving?”
Ennis explained that he hadn’t made his travel arrangements yet, but was going to do so that night.
“Okay. Just let us know and we can get you to the airport.”
They talked for a while longer and then hung up. Ennis stared into space in his room for a long time, thinking about what Jack had said that morning about how Ennis saw him. How do I see him? he asked himself as he bit his nails. I love him-I told him that. Why doesn’t he understand that I have to do this? We just can’t keep going on. We’ll both be destroyed in hockey if we continue. And if we lose hockey, we could end up hating each other, or even end up apart. Or if we’re still playing, one of us could get traded. Then what do we do, try to have a relationship seeing each other a couple times a season? Hooking up in hotels when our teams play each other? Fuck that. Whatever it ends up being, if we get outed we’ll lose everything-us, and our careers. So it’s best to just end it now, before the shit hits the fan. And if someone already knows because of the picture, then it’s eventually going to come out.
He knew that he hadn’t been kind to Jack the past few days, but if he was to carry out his plans he had to start cutting the cord now before things got any more confusing between them. He couldn’t lie to himself--it hurt. Ennis felt his heart being chopped in two every time he saw that look on Jack’s face that said how could you do this to me? He felt like he’d kicked a sick dog. Ennis could only hope that someday, when their relationship was long over, Jack could look back and see what Ennis was trying to do: putting distance between them now was only going to make the break that much easier at the end.
He had to admit, though, that it was going to hurt like hell to break up with Jack. The thought of Jack with someone was else was abhorrent to Ennis; it almost made him physically ill to think of Jack with another man. But in his odd way of thinking, he thought that if Jack found someone else after his retirement, he’d at least be safe to pursue the relationship-out of the public eye, he could finally have his private life that he’d always wanted. It just wouldn’t be with Ennis.
He wished he could ask Jack about retiring. He wanted to know if he still intended to leave hockey at the end of the season, but it wouldn’t matter; Ennis would still be back next season, and wouldn’t there be talk if Jack had retired and Ennis was playing, and they still lived together? Ennis shivered at the thought of what people would say. But Jack’s retirement was really a moot point; their relationship would have to end. Jack had already said that he wasn’t going to wait forever for Ennis, and unbeknownst to him, Ennis had already set the wheels in motion to break it off-no matter how much it hurt both of them.
Ennis tasted blood. He looked down at his hand and saw that his cuticle was bleeding, so he went into the bathroom and got a bandage. He wrapped his finger and went back to the bed, sitting down carefully and swinging his leg up onto the pillows for elevation. His finger stung, but he figured he deserved it. All he had done was bring misery to Jack, and he was about to bring more. A cut finger was little retribution for the pain, and didn’t compare to how his heart felt.
***
On his computer, Jack checked the league scores and statistics, and it showed that he still led all scorers in the league by 14 points. He sighed, tapping his fingers on the desktop, his chin in his hand. He soon got bored and played a little pinball and solitaire, but lost interest in those as well. He grabbed his most recent book and went into his bedroom to read, the words swimming on the page. He scowled and threw the book across the room, laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
Dammit, Ennis, what are you doing?
He just couldn’t wrap his head around Ennis’s thought processes. What’s wrong with him? I know something had to have happened; something triggered him to do whatever the hell it is that he’s doing. He said he’d chill out and we’d wing this, and then he closed up shop. Was it really something, or did he just decide he didn’t care about me anymore? That thought had never occurred to Jack before, but he dismissed it quickly. If Ennis didn’t care, he wouldn’t be here. He’d have moved out or something. Maybe it’s just his depression, Jack reasoned. Maybe after the surgery, when he’s fully healed, he’ll be back to normal and we can get on with this. We can spend the summer here; I can show him all the little towns on the Bay. Maybe we can go camping up in the mountains before next season starts. Jack had always liked camping as a kid; he was sure that Ennis would like it too. A plan started to form in his head. Yeah, we can drive up into the mountains and maybe look at some properties for sale. If we both quit and moved out of town, away from everyone, we could have a private life where we wouldn’t have to worry about being outed, about anyone seeing us and figuring it out. Maybe Ennis would be okay with that, at least when his career is over. I just have to convince him that it could be a sweet life.
For the first time in days, Jack actually smiled.
Tbc…