Supernatural Fic: Some Dreaming State, (8.1/8)
Title: Some Dreaming State
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Dean/Cas
Character List: Castiel, Dean, Sam, Meg, Crowley, halLucifer
Warnings/Enticements: jealous!Dean, Sam and Cas broship with a side of awesome!Sam, explicit violence, explicit torture, explicit sex, soulbonding, BAMF!Cas, protective!Cas, offscreen death of a minor character, brief Dean/OFC, brief jealous!Cas
Spoilers: through the end of 7.17, goes AU after
Summary: Meg wants a weapon. When Castiel refuses, she sells him out to Crowley. The Winchesters won't be happy... assuming they find out.
Wordcount: about 52K total
Title comes from Florence the Machine's 'Blinding'.
Under the cut. Note: The chapter has been divided into 2 portions for length. This is 8.1, or Part 1 of Chapter 8.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Castiel still sat on the bed, his legs hanging over the side of the mattress and his feet planted firmly on the floor. Lucifer sat next to him, one foot on the carpet and the other bent beneath him.
"How do you think life will be with the bond blocked?" Lucifer asked him. "You've felt Dean twice now, how bright and warm his soul is. Can you really give that up, Cassie?"
The first time, carrying Dean out of Hell, had been a necessity of the job. The bond was a somewhat unexpected side effect, so blocking it was the will of Heaven and Castiel had not yet learned to question orders. Any regret he had experienced had been minimal at most.
The second time had mirrored the first, with Dean using the bond to pull Cas from his Hell-based hallucination. It wasn't quite the same, since Castiel hadn't been as deeply wound around and through Dean as he had been the first time, but he had gotten a taste of what it would be like to fully merge. That joining, the dropping of all mental barriers, would be the final consummation of their ‘marriage’.
He couldn't count the time in the sewers, as his own emotions had been spilling over out of control and most of what he received from Dean in return was pain.
"Or maybe he'll leave it open just a little, like he's doing now," Lucifer said. "Just enough that you can feel him, but he'll never let you touch because he doesn't want this with you. He never has, brother."
Castiel could picture it. Dean had called him 'family' once and there was nothing Dean would not do for family. Sam had nearly been driven insane by Lucifer and now that madness was inside Castiel's head; Dean would not abandon him to face it alone, not when he knew that he could help.
"But he already abandoned you once, didn't he? He left you with me," Lucifer singsonged quietly. Castiel had no answer for that.
Cas heard the sound of a key turning in the lock and he turned to see Dean pushing the door open. The hunter paused, noticing the attention, then came in and shut the door. Castiel was tempted to follow the gold line connecting his mind to Dean's, but he didn't want to invade the other man's privacy any more than he had already.
"Hello, Dean," Cas said. Dean rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and returned the greeting with a muttered 'hey'. The silence between them was awkward and strained, and finally Dean breathed out and went to sit on the other bed, facing Castiel.
"So. We're basically angel-married, it was an accident, and you're using the direct line to my head to keep Satan out. That sound about right so far?" Dean asked. Castiel couldn't read his tone, though the vague sense of Dean's emotions coming to him through the bond did not paint a positive picture. He couldn't help picking up on some echoes, even if he stopped himself from investigating the specifics.
"Yes," Cas said. He prepared himself for whatever would come out of Dean's mouth next; most likely a 'we'll keep it like this until we find you another way of grounding yourself', though a 'we're dumping you in the nearest asylum and blocking the bond off entirely' would not be any less than Cas deserved.
"That's right," Lucifer said. "He'd be right to leave you to me and you know it."
"I am aware that this is not something you wanted-" Cas began.
"No, it wasn't," Dean replied shortly. That stung. Dean ran a palm over his face. "Just... damn it, Cas, why didn't you tell me?" There was hurt coming from Dean's side of the bond and Castiel wished there was some way he could make it stop.
"The formation of the bond was unavoidable," Cas hedged. Dean held up a hand and waited until Castiel heeded his request for silence before speaking.
"I'm not talking about the ‘formation’," he said. "I'm talking about the whole…” He waved his hand expressively. “After we got you out of Crowley’s dungeon. You never even mentioned it and then, all of a sudden, I end up married to you.” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "We could have figured out a way to keep you grounded."
"Without having to tie him to you," Lucifer said, completing Dean's thought. He shot a knowing look at Castiel, but said no more.
"What could we have tried that I haven’t already attempted, Dean?" Cas asked. "I’m sorry for not telling you, but I needed some way to keep myself sane. I had nothing to keep me grounded except the bond.”
The words came out a bit more strongly than Castiel had meant, the emphasis on ‘nothing’ almost venomous. He hadn’t meant it as an accusation, he really hadn’t, but his connection to Dean had literally been the only thread his sanity could cling to.
The silence stretched.
"I called every day," Dean admitted softly. He cleared his throat. "To check on you, see if you had woken up. Meg always told me you were still out of it."
"I was only unresponsive for two weeks," Castiel told him. Dean's expression clouded over and Cas felt the human's anger as though it were his own. Dean shoved himself off the bed and stood, pacing like a caged predator and clenching his hands into fists.
"Dean, you didn't know," Castiel said.
"I should have," Dean snapped back. "If I had been there, Crowley wouldn't have gotten anywhere near you with those freaky angel-cuffs. None of this would have happened!"
"And by 'this', he means your bonding," Lucifer said. Castiel gritted his teeth and looked away from Dean.
"I am aware that you did not ask for this, Dean. I didn't either." This wasn't something Castiel would have thought to ask for, he had been so certain that it would never be granted. Given all the emotions pouring into him through Dean's side of the bond, coupled with Lucifer's whispers in his ear, Cas almost wished that he had never been allowed to touch Dean's soul. If he had never experienced the warmth, maybe blocking the connection off would hurt less.
And it would be blocked. What other outcome was there?
There was a flash of hurt and uncertainty and Castiel frowned. Did he dare reach out to try and find the source of Dean's emotions? He had no desire to push, especially if there was any chance of Dean leaving their connection open. Dean was very private; any prying on Castiel's part might cause Dean to shut the bond down entirely.
"Fine, but you're stuck with me because right now, I'm all that's keeping Lucifer out of your head," Dean snapped.
"I never said that I didn't want this, Dean. Just that I wouldn't have asked for it," Castiel said. He had no idea what had possessed him to be so brave; perhaps it was the strain in Dean's voice, or the hurt Castiel could still vaguely sense. Dean tensed.
"That was a mistake, brother," Lucifer said, mock-sadly.
"You want this, Cas?" Dean asked, voice flat and careful. Castiel wanted to reach out and try to sense what answer Dean wanted; he could back down now, explain his words away and that might be safer.
"Yes," he answered instead. "Despite the less than ideal circumstances."
Dean inhaled sharply and Cas felt the hunter's defenses drop. A mix of tentative hope, fear, and uncertainty hung in the air between them, but Dean's steps were confident as he approached Castiel. Dean stopped less than two feet away.
"What if circumstances were ideal?" he asked, voice almost accusatory but without any real heat. "Would it still have been me?"
There was a vulnerability in Dean's voice, a trace so faint Castiel never would have heard it without his direct line to Dean's emotions. It was a weak spot Cas had glimpsed on a few occasions, never for long, but one that ran all the way through Dean's emotional armor.
"Yes," Castiel said.
"Not Sam?" Dean asked, the question immediately followed by a wave of possession and guilt. Castiel was so fascinated that he almost forgot to answer.
"Sam is important to me," he said. At first, Sam had just been the abomination related to Dean, but things had changed greatly since that first meeting. Sam was, at the very least, a friend. If he was allowed, Castiel might even call him 'brother', but the affection he held for Sam was very different than what he had for Dean. "But there is no one I would rather have been bound to, Dean."
"He doesn't want you, Cassie. You're putting yourself out there for nothing and he's going to crush you," Lucifer said. "Poor little thing you are, you won't even blame him for it, will you?"
Castiel tensed and looked away from Dean, missing the human's sudden, concerned frown.
"My preferences are not of import," Cas said. "You had no idea what you were doing when you dove into my head to pull me out. You did not know the consequences. If you want the bond to be closed off, then that is what we will do."
"I don't," Dean said instantly. Castiel felt a moment of hope, warm and bright, before it was dashed by the invisible third party in the room.
"Because he's noble," Lucifer said. "Heaven's Righteous Man. He won't leave you alone with me when he's already made the mistake once." Lucifer's expression was somewhere between a pout and a sneer. "Pity. You're more fun when you don't know up from down."
"You don't need to protect me, Dean," Castiel said firmly, irritation pricking along his skin. "I will find a way to handle Lucifer on my own. That should not be the reason you agree to this."
"I never said anything about-" Dean started to snap, but then he stopped abruptly, stunned. "You're not still seeing him, are you? I thought the reason you did this-" He motioned to his head. "-was so that you wouldn't hallucinate. Stay grounded, or whatever."
"It helps, but it's not a perfect solution," Cas replied. "The connection, as it stands, can get rid of Lucifer only while it is fully open.”
"Damn it, Cas, you told us you were fine!" Dean was furious again and Cas felt his own ire rising in kind. "We thought you were using your Grace or something so that you never saw him unless you used up all your mojo. Have you been seeing him this whole time?"
"I'm not a child, Dean," Cas snapped back. "I am as well as can be expected. What would you have done if I had told you that I was still seeing Lucifer?"
"I don't know, all right?" Dean said.
"He would have left you at the nearest asylum," Lucifer whispered to Castiel. "To protect himself and Sam from the insane angel."
Castiel wasn't sure what his emotions were doing, but there was fear, loss, and resignation mixed in. Dean looked stricken for a moment, then he squared his jaw and tentative reassurance was washing away the negativity.
"We would have found something. We're not going to leave you behind again, Cas, I promise," Dean said. He paused for a second. "You're seeing him now, aren't you?"
"He would be if he turned around," Lucifer offered helpfully, waving at Dean as though the human could actually see him.
"I am," Castiel said. Dean scowled and the barrier between them relaxed almost completely, though there was a distinct tinge of discomfort.
"Do whatever you have to," Dean said gruffly. "This is between you and me. I don't want the Devil listening in."
Castiel reached for the bond gratefully, allowing Dean's feelings to wash over him. Lucifer flickered, made a noise of protest, and then Castiel was alone on the bed. The bond pulsed around him, golden and warm, and he relaxed into it.
"Is he gone?" Dean asked. Castiel nodded, allowing some of his own feelings to bleed over into Dean. He kept the true depth of his affection to himself, but let Dean feel everything else. Dean's eyes widened in surprise and Castiel felt something within the human uncurl, like a once-abused feline stretching up for a gentle hand to pet it.
"I know this is temporary," Cas said. "But thank you.” There was no way that they could keep the connection open all the time; it was distracting enough right now, in a safe motel room, and the world outside was much more dangerous.
"Is there any way to get rid of him permanently?" Dean asked, taking up his pacing once more. "We can't keep this up forever."
Castiel hesitated a moment. Dean sensed it and mentally prodded him.
“When I attempted to make a Cage for the hallucination, I failed because I lacked sufficient power or an anchor,” Cas explained. He paused again. “If we fully complete the bond, I would have both.”
“Complete the bond?” Dean asked incredulously. “Dude, we’re married. How much more ‘complete’ can this thing get?”
“Consummation,” Castiel said shortly. “Consummation is the final stage, after which the bond cannot be broken. It can still be blocked, but severing it is no longer an option.” He took a deep breath. “Completing the bond means that our essences would touch and mix; there would be no privacy for either of us during the process. From then on, we would always be connected, even when one of us is shielding.”
Dean didn’t respond for a moment, flabbergasted. Then, surprisingly, he laughed. He sounded faintly hysterical and Castiel winced.
"'Consummation'?" Dean echoed, waggling his eyebrows comically to cover up his nerves. "Is that what it sounds like? Because it sounds like freaky angel sex to me."
Dean’s emotions were an odd mix of discomfort, fear, hope, and lust. The angel stared, somewhat stunned by the last. His own amazement must have transferred over, because Dean's expression shut down. The bond wavered but did not close, though the human’s emotions receded.
“How would that work, exactly?” Dean asked gruffly. “Your… whatever and my soul bad-touch and you get a power boost?”
“Human souls are very powerful, Dean. Especially one such as yours,” Castiel said seriously, watching Dean without a trace of embarrassment. Dean ducked his head, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I would be able to siphon off some of the energy through our bond and I would have a constant tether to reality. Creating a Cage would be simple.”
Dean glanced back up, lips set in a smile that looked like it would rather be a frown.
“Power up using me like you did with Bobby, that time Sam and I were stuck in the Old West?” he asked. His voice stumbled a bit over the name, but Cas felt little of the accompanying pang of grief. “Did you have freaky angel sex with him, too?”
“I did not have… ‘freaky angel sex’ with Bobby,” Cas said. “I just touched his soul; he did not reach into my Grace. The contact was superficial.” Castiel paused. “And the Cage would likely require me to constantly siphon off a small amount of your energy.”
“Constantly?” Dean echoed uneasily. Castiel shook his head.
“It would not hurt, though you might feel a little drained until you become accustomed to it,” he said. “And I would not need access to your thoughts at all times. We could put a wall up afterwards and it wouldn’t affect the Cage.”
Dean looked down again.
“This whole ‘no-privacy’ thing… that’s not permanent? You’re not going to constantly have a free show to what’s going on in my head?” he asked.
“No,” Castiel replied. “Consummation just means that the path will always be there. I do not need to travel down it. With a wall in place, I would not be able to feel your emotions.”
Dean was quiet for several moments. He had taken up pacing again, keeping his eyes down and not looking at the angel.
"You keep on saying 'consummation'," he said. "What does that mean, exactly?"
"You compared our bond to a marriage earlier," Castiel said. He could have let the sentence stand on its own because he could distantly feel Dean's slow comprehension, but he continued speaking. "It used to be that a marriage was not considered valid until the groom had engaged in sexual congress with his bride. This would be similar."
"So it is freaky angel sex," Dean said, looking up. "Dude, I was joking..."
"It's not sex as you know it, though that can be a part of it if you wish," Cas said quietly. He had no objections about making their union physical as well as spiritual, but he was uncertain if Dean would want that. He knew that Dean appreciated the attention of males, though less frequently than females, but all of Dean's lasting sexual relationships had been exclusively with women. Castiel carefully held his jealousy at the thought away from Dean and kept a tight rein on his desire. "But if you'd prefer, it could be a..." He frowned, mentally groping for the term that would best describe their arrangement. "A marriage of convenience. Our souls would join, but not our bodies."
Castiel could feel the gears turning in Dean's head, lust warring with apprehension warring with shock. He waited. Dean eventually cleared his throat.
"You still haven't explained how it works," he said, voice giving nothing away.
"Nothing would be hidden. We'd tear down any barriers remaining between your mind and mine-" Castiel stopped, sensing Dean's sudden fear.
"So, basically, instead of our bodies getting naked, it'd be our souls and they'd be doing it with the lights on," Dean rasped. Castiel frowned.
"I do not understand that reference," he said. Dean chuckled hollowly.
"Yeah, you wouldn't, would you?" he asked rhetorically. Silence fell between them once more and Castiel could feel it as Dean cycled through fear, worry, desire, and uncertainty.
"We don't need to consummate the bond, Dean," Cas said. "It is an option, but if the idea makes you that uncomfortable-"
"It doesn't," Dean snapped. Castiel scowled, waves of his doubt pouring back over the bond and Dean mirrored the angel's expression. "Fine. It does. But if this will get Lucifer out of your head-"
"It won't, it will simply trap him so that he no longer affects me," Castiel replied. "And you shouldn't agree to this only to stop my hallucinations. I had an idea of what I was getting in to when I took the madness from Sam. If the only repentance I need to make is seeing Lucifer on occasion, then I can bear-"
"You don't deserve this either, Cas," Dean interjected. "No one deserves it and I can help, I just need to fucking get used to the concept, all right?"
Castiel went quiet for a moment, studying Dean. Dean refused to meet his eyes and shifted uncomfortably, rubbing his hand over the nape of his neck.
"I do not want you to do this out of a sense of duty," Castiel said firmly."You don't owe me this, Dean."
"How the fuck can you say that?" Dean snapped, stomping over to Castiel and looming over him. Anger radiated from him, from the set of his eyebrows to the clench of his hands, and Castiel was momentarily thrown off balance. What had he said that had set Dean off? "Everything you've sacrificed, everything you've done for me, for Sam, hell, for the whole world, and I don't owe it to you to fix you if I can? Especially when all I'd need to do is-"
"Do not trivialize this," Cas hissed. Dean shut up abruptly. "Everything I did, I did for you." Dean made as if to speak, but Castiel raised his voice slightly and kept going. "I never expected anything in return."
"... you asked me to listen, once. To stand behind you," Dean said tightly. "I didn't."
Regret rose between them, fed from both sides of the bond. Castiel looked away.
"We both made a lot of mistakes," he acknowledged. "I went to Crowley because I thought I owed it to you to let you live a normal life. Do not repeat my mistakes, Dean."
"Hey, I'm not making a deal with a demon," Dean said, striving for a lighter tone. Cas shot him an irritated look.
"You know that's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I do," Dean said. He seemed tired and he sat heavily on the bed next to Castiel. The emotions coming off of him were too conflicted for Castiel to parse, so he simply let them wash over him and keep the Devil at bay. "Look, I..." He paused and took a deep breath. "It wouldn't just be because we owe you. Because I owe you. It's not." He ran a hand through his hair. "Damnit."
"Do you truly understand what you're agreeing to, Dean?" Castiel asked, turning fully towards him. "Once we do this-"
"It can't be undone. I get it," Dean said. He smiled thinly. "You saw my soul when you dragged me out of the Pit. You put me back together. This can't be any worse than that."
Castiel might have felt hurt if he couldn't sense that Dean's attitude stemmed from his apprehension. He nodded. Dean breathed in deeply, steeling himself.
"All right, let's do this," he said. Five words, delivered so flippantly, yet they changed everything.
Cas would have asked Dean again if he was certain, if he truly understood, but he didn’t want to patronize him. Or worse, convince him to change his mind.
"Very well," Castiel said, wondering if he dared reach out physically to Dean. The hunter had made no move to touch him nor had he indicated that he wanted their joining to be in body as well as in spirit, despite his initial lust at the idea of 'freaky angel sex'. Castiel compromised, reaching out with both hands to cup Dean's face. "Close your eyes."
Dean's next breath in was shaky, but he did as he was told. Castiel kept his own eyes open and he reached for Dean with his Grace.
On to 8.2 (END)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Dean/Cas
Character List: Castiel, Dean, Sam, Meg, Crowley, halLucifer
Warnings/Enticements: jealous!Dean, Sam and Cas broship with a side of awesome!Sam, explicit violence, explicit torture, explicit sex, soulbonding, BAMF!Cas, protective!Cas, offscreen death of a minor character, brief Dean/OFC, brief jealous!Cas
Spoilers: through the end of 7.17, goes AU after
Summary: Meg wants a weapon. When Castiel refuses, she sells him out to Crowley. The Winchesters won't be happy... assuming they find out.
Wordcount: about 52K total
Title comes from Florence the Machine's 'Blinding'.
Under the cut. Note: The chapter has been divided into 2 portions for length. This is 8.1, or Part 1 of Chapter 8.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Castiel still sat on the bed, his legs hanging over the side of the mattress and his feet planted firmly on the floor. Lucifer sat next to him, one foot on the carpet and the other bent beneath him.
"How do you think life will be with the bond blocked?" Lucifer asked him. "You've felt Dean twice now, how bright and warm his soul is. Can you really give that up, Cassie?"
The first time, carrying Dean out of Hell, had been a necessity of the job. The bond was a somewhat unexpected side effect, so blocking it was the will of Heaven and Castiel had not yet learned to question orders. Any regret he had experienced had been minimal at most.
The second time had mirrored the first, with Dean using the bond to pull Cas from his Hell-based hallucination. It wasn't quite the same, since Castiel hadn't been as deeply wound around and through Dean as he had been the first time, but he had gotten a taste of what it would be like to fully merge. That joining, the dropping of all mental barriers, would be the final consummation of their ‘marriage’.
He couldn't count the time in the sewers, as his own emotions had been spilling over out of control and most of what he received from Dean in return was pain.
"Or maybe he'll leave it open just a little, like he's doing now," Lucifer said. "Just enough that you can feel him, but he'll never let you touch because he doesn't want this with you. He never has, brother."
Castiel could picture it. Dean had called him 'family' once and there was nothing Dean would not do for family. Sam had nearly been driven insane by Lucifer and now that madness was inside Castiel's head; Dean would not abandon him to face it alone, not when he knew that he could help.
"But he already abandoned you once, didn't he? He left you with me," Lucifer singsonged quietly. Castiel had no answer for that.
Cas heard the sound of a key turning in the lock and he turned to see Dean pushing the door open. The hunter paused, noticing the attention, then came in and shut the door. Castiel was tempted to follow the gold line connecting his mind to Dean's, but he didn't want to invade the other man's privacy any more than he had already.
"Hello, Dean," Cas said. Dean rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and returned the greeting with a muttered 'hey'. The silence between them was awkward and strained, and finally Dean breathed out and went to sit on the other bed, facing Castiel.
"So. We're basically angel-married, it was an accident, and you're using the direct line to my head to keep Satan out. That sound about right so far?" Dean asked. Castiel couldn't read his tone, though the vague sense of Dean's emotions coming to him through the bond did not paint a positive picture. He couldn't help picking up on some echoes, even if he stopped himself from investigating the specifics.
"Yes," Cas said. He prepared himself for whatever would come out of Dean's mouth next; most likely a 'we'll keep it like this until we find you another way of grounding yourself', though a 'we're dumping you in the nearest asylum and blocking the bond off entirely' would not be any less than Cas deserved.
"That's right," Lucifer said. "He'd be right to leave you to me and you know it."
"I am aware that this is not something you wanted-" Cas began.
"No, it wasn't," Dean replied shortly. That stung. Dean ran a palm over his face. "Just... damn it, Cas, why didn't you tell me?" There was hurt coming from Dean's side of the bond and Castiel wished there was some way he could make it stop.
"The formation of the bond was unavoidable," Cas hedged. Dean held up a hand and waited until Castiel heeded his request for silence before speaking.
"I'm not talking about the ‘formation’," he said. "I'm talking about the whole…” He waved his hand expressively. “After we got you out of Crowley’s dungeon. You never even mentioned it and then, all of a sudden, I end up married to you.” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "We could have figured out a way to keep you grounded."
"Without having to tie him to you," Lucifer said, completing Dean's thought. He shot a knowing look at Castiel, but said no more.
"What could we have tried that I haven’t already attempted, Dean?" Cas asked. "I’m sorry for not telling you, but I needed some way to keep myself sane. I had nothing to keep me grounded except the bond.”
The words came out a bit more strongly than Castiel had meant, the emphasis on ‘nothing’ almost venomous. He hadn’t meant it as an accusation, he really hadn’t, but his connection to Dean had literally been the only thread his sanity could cling to.
The silence stretched.
"I called every day," Dean admitted softly. He cleared his throat. "To check on you, see if you had woken up. Meg always told me you were still out of it."
"I was only unresponsive for two weeks," Castiel told him. Dean's expression clouded over and Cas felt the human's anger as though it were his own. Dean shoved himself off the bed and stood, pacing like a caged predator and clenching his hands into fists.
"Dean, you didn't know," Castiel said.
"I should have," Dean snapped back. "If I had been there, Crowley wouldn't have gotten anywhere near you with those freaky angel-cuffs. None of this would have happened!"
"And by 'this', he means your bonding," Lucifer said. Castiel gritted his teeth and looked away from Dean.
"I am aware that you did not ask for this, Dean. I didn't either." This wasn't something Castiel would have thought to ask for, he had been so certain that it would never be granted. Given all the emotions pouring into him through Dean's side of the bond, coupled with Lucifer's whispers in his ear, Cas almost wished that he had never been allowed to touch Dean's soul. If he had never experienced the warmth, maybe blocking the connection off would hurt less.
And it would be blocked. What other outcome was there?
There was a flash of hurt and uncertainty and Castiel frowned. Did he dare reach out to try and find the source of Dean's emotions? He had no desire to push, especially if there was any chance of Dean leaving their connection open. Dean was very private; any prying on Castiel's part might cause Dean to shut the bond down entirely.
"Fine, but you're stuck with me because right now, I'm all that's keeping Lucifer out of your head," Dean snapped.
"I never said that I didn't want this, Dean. Just that I wouldn't have asked for it," Castiel said. He had no idea what had possessed him to be so brave; perhaps it was the strain in Dean's voice, or the hurt Castiel could still vaguely sense. Dean tensed.
"That was a mistake, brother," Lucifer said, mock-sadly.
"You want this, Cas?" Dean asked, voice flat and careful. Castiel wanted to reach out and try to sense what answer Dean wanted; he could back down now, explain his words away and that might be safer.
"Yes," he answered instead. "Despite the less than ideal circumstances."
Dean inhaled sharply and Cas felt the hunter's defenses drop. A mix of tentative hope, fear, and uncertainty hung in the air between them, but Dean's steps were confident as he approached Castiel. Dean stopped less than two feet away.
"What if circumstances were ideal?" he asked, voice almost accusatory but without any real heat. "Would it still have been me?"
There was a vulnerability in Dean's voice, a trace so faint Castiel never would have heard it without his direct line to Dean's emotions. It was a weak spot Cas had glimpsed on a few occasions, never for long, but one that ran all the way through Dean's emotional armor.
"Yes," Castiel said.
"Not Sam?" Dean asked, the question immediately followed by a wave of possession and guilt. Castiel was so fascinated that he almost forgot to answer.
"Sam is important to me," he said. At first, Sam had just been the abomination related to Dean, but things had changed greatly since that first meeting. Sam was, at the very least, a friend. If he was allowed, Castiel might even call him 'brother', but the affection he held for Sam was very different than what he had for Dean. "But there is no one I would rather have been bound to, Dean."
"He doesn't want you, Cassie. You're putting yourself out there for nothing and he's going to crush you," Lucifer said. "Poor little thing you are, you won't even blame him for it, will you?"
Castiel tensed and looked away from Dean, missing the human's sudden, concerned frown.
"My preferences are not of import," Cas said. "You had no idea what you were doing when you dove into my head to pull me out. You did not know the consequences. If you want the bond to be closed off, then that is what we will do."
"I don't," Dean said instantly. Castiel felt a moment of hope, warm and bright, before it was dashed by the invisible third party in the room.
"Because he's noble," Lucifer said. "Heaven's Righteous Man. He won't leave you alone with me when he's already made the mistake once." Lucifer's expression was somewhere between a pout and a sneer. "Pity. You're more fun when you don't know up from down."
"You don't need to protect me, Dean," Castiel said firmly, irritation pricking along his skin. "I will find a way to handle Lucifer on my own. That should not be the reason you agree to this."
"I never said anything about-" Dean started to snap, but then he stopped abruptly, stunned. "You're not still seeing him, are you? I thought the reason you did this-" He motioned to his head. "-was so that you wouldn't hallucinate. Stay grounded, or whatever."
"It helps, but it's not a perfect solution," Cas replied. "The connection, as it stands, can get rid of Lucifer only while it is fully open.”
"Damn it, Cas, you told us you were fine!" Dean was furious again and Cas felt his own ire rising in kind. "We thought you were using your Grace or something so that you never saw him unless you used up all your mojo. Have you been seeing him this whole time?"
"I'm not a child, Dean," Cas snapped back. "I am as well as can be expected. What would you have done if I had told you that I was still seeing Lucifer?"
"I don't know, all right?" Dean said.
"He would have left you at the nearest asylum," Lucifer whispered to Castiel. "To protect himself and Sam from the insane angel."
Castiel wasn't sure what his emotions were doing, but there was fear, loss, and resignation mixed in. Dean looked stricken for a moment, then he squared his jaw and tentative reassurance was washing away the negativity.
"We would have found something. We're not going to leave you behind again, Cas, I promise," Dean said. He paused for a second. "You're seeing him now, aren't you?"
"He would be if he turned around," Lucifer offered helpfully, waving at Dean as though the human could actually see him.
"I am," Castiel said. Dean scowled and the barrier between them relaxed almost completely, though there was a distinct tinge of discomfort.
"Do whatever you have to," Dean said gruffly. "This is between you and me. I don't want the Devil listening in."
Castiel reached for the bond gratefully, allowing Dean's feelings to wash over him. Lucifer flickered, made a noise of protest, and then Castiel was alone on the bed. The bond pulsed around him, golden and warm, and he relaxed into it.
"Is he gone?" Dean asked. Castiel nodded, allowing some of his own feelings to bleed over into Dean. He kept the true depth of his affection to himself, but let Dean feel everything else. Dean's eyes widened in surprise and Castiel felt something within the human uncurl, like a once-abused feline stretching up for a gentle hand to pet it.
"I know this is temporary," Cas said. "But thank you.” There was no way that they could keep the connection open all the time; it was distracting enough right now, in a safe motel room, and the world outside was much more dangerous.
"Is there any way to get rid of him permanently?" Dean asked, taking up his pacing once more. "We can't keep this up forever."
Castiel hesitated a moment. Dean sensed it and mentally prodded him.
“When I attempted to make a Cage for the hallucination, I failed because I lacked sufficient power or an anchor,” Cas explained. He paused again. “If we fully complete the bond, I would have both.”
“Complete the bond?” Dean asked incredulously. “Dude, we’re married. How much more ‘complete’ can this thing get?”
“Consummation,” Castiel said shortly. “Consummation is the final stage, after which the bond cannot be broken. It can still be blocked, but severing it is no longer an option.” He took a deep breath. “Completing the bond means that our essences would touch and mix; there would be no privacy for either of us during the process. From then on, we would always be connected, even when one of us is shielding.”
Dean didn’t respond for a moment, flabbergasted. Then, surprisingly, he laughed. He sounded faintly hysterical and Castiel winced.
"'Consummation'?" Dean echoed, waggling his eyebrows comically to cover up his nerves. "Is that what it sounds like? Because it sounds like freaky angel sex to me."
Dean’s emotions were an odd mix of discomfort, fear, hope, and lust. The angel stared, somewhat stunned by the last. His own amazement must have transferred over, because Dean's expression shut down. The bond wavered but did not close, though the human’s emotions receded.
“How would that work, exactly?” Dean asked gruffly. “Your… whatever and my soul bad-touch and you get a power boost?”
“Human souls are very powerful, Dean. Especially one such as yours,” Castiel said seriously, watching Dean without a trace of embarrassment. Dean ducked his head, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I would be able to siphon off some of the energy through our bond and I would have a constant tether to reality. Creating a Cage would be simple.”
Dean glanced back up, lips set in a smile that looked like it would rather be a frown.
“Power up using me like you did with Bobby, that time Sam and I were stuck in the Old West?” he asked. His voice stumbled a bit over the name, but Cas felt little of the accompanying pang of grief. “Did you have freaky angel sex with him, too?”
“I did not have… ‘freaky angel sex’ with Bobby,” Cas said. “I just touched his soul; he did not reach into my Grace. The contact was superficial.” Castiel paused. “And the Cage would likely require me to constantly siphon off a small amount of your energy.”
“Constantly?” Dean echoed uneasily. Castiel shook his head.
“It would not hurt, though you might feel a little drained until you become accustomed to it,” he said. “And I would not need access to your thoughts at all times. We could put a wall up afterwards and it wouldn’t affect the Cage.”
Dean looked down again.
“This whole ‘no-privacy’ thing… that’s not permanent? You’re not going to constantly have a free show to what’s going on in my head?” he asked.
“No,” Castiel replied. “Consummation just means that the path will always be there. I do not need to travel down it. With a wall in place, I would not be able to feel your emotions.”
Dean was quiet for several moments. He had taken up pacing again, keeping his eyes down and not looking at the angel.
"You keep on saying 'consummation'," he said. "What does that mean, exactly?"
"You compared our bond to a marriage earlier," Castiel said. He could have let the sentence stand on its own because he could distantly feel Dean's slow comprehension, but he continued speaking. "It used to be that a marriage was not considered valid until the groom had engaged in sexual congress with his bride. This would be similar."
"So it is freaky angel sex," Dean said, looking up. "Dude, I was joking..."
"It's not sex as you know it, though that can be a part of it if you wish," Cas said quietly. He had no objections about making their union physical as well as spiritual, but he was uncertain if Dean would want that. He knew that Dean appreciated the attention of males, though less frequently than females, but all of Dean's lasting sexual relationships had been exclusively with women. Castiel carefully held his jealousy at the thought away from Dean and kept a tight rein on his desire. "But if you'd prefer, it could be a..." He frowned, mentally groping for the term that would best describe their arrangement. "A marriage of convenience. Our souls would join, but not our bodies."
Castiel could feel the gears turning in Dean's head, lust warring with apprehension warring with shock. He waited. Dean eventually cleared his throat.
"You still haven't explained how it works," he said, voice giving nothing away.
"Nothing would be hidden. We'd tear down any barriers remaining between your mind and mine-" Castiel stopped, sensing Dean's sudden fear.
"So, basically, instead of our bodies getting naked, it'd be our souls and they'd be doing it with the lights on," Dean rasped. Castiel frowned.
"I do not understand that reference," he said. Dean chuckled hollowly.
"Yeah, you wouldn't, would you?" he asked rhetorically. Silence fell between them once more and Castiel could feel it as Dean cycled through fear, worry, desire, and uncertainty.
"We don't need to consummate the bond, Dean," Cas said. "It is an option, but if the idea makes you that uncomfortable-"
"It doesn't," Dean snapped. Castiel scowled, waves of his doubt pouring back over the bond and Dean mirrored the angel's expression. "Fine. It does. But if this will get Lucifer out of your head-"
"It won't, it will simply trap him so that he no longer affects me," Castiel replied. "And you shouldn't agree to this only to stop my hallucinations. I had an idea of what I was getting in to when I took the madness from Sam. If the only repentance I need to make is seeing Lucifer on occasion, then I can bear-"
"You don't deserve this either, Cas," Dean interjected. "No one deserves it and I can help, I just need to fucking get used to the concept, all right?"
Castiel went quiet for a moment, studying Dean. Dean refused to meet his eyes and shifted uncomfortably, rubbing his hand over the nape of his neck.
"I do not want you to do this out of a sense of duty," Castiel said firmly."You don't owe me this, Dean."
"How the fuck can you say that?" Dean snapped, stomping over to Castiel and looming over him. Anger radiated from him, from the set of his eyebrows to the clench of his hands, and Castiel was momentarily thrown off balance. What had he said that had set Dean off? "Everything you've sacrificed, everything you've done for me, for Sam, hell, for the whole world, and I don't owe it to you to fix you if I can? Especially when all I'd need to do is-"
"Do not trivialize this," Cas hissed. Dean shut up abruptly. "Everything I did, I did for you." Dean made as if to speak, but Castiel raised his voice slightly and kept going. "I never expected anything in return."
"... you asked me to listen, once. To stand behind you," Dean said tightly. "I didn't."
Regret rose between them, fed from both sides of the bond. Castiel looked away.
"We both made a lot of mistakes," he acknowledged. "I went to Crowley because I thought I owed it to you to let you live a normal life. Do not repeat my mistakes, Dean."
"Hey, I'm not making a deal with a demon," Dean said, striving for a lighter tone. Cas shot him an irritated look.
"You know that's not what I meant."
"Yeah, I do," Dean said. He seemed tired and he sat heavily on the bed next to Castiel. The emotions coming off of him were too conflicted for Castiel to parse, so he simply let them wash over him and keep the Devil at bay. "Look, I..." He paused and took a deep breath. "It wouldn't just be because we owe you. Because I owe you. It's not." He ran a hand through his hair. "Damnit."
"Do you truly understand what you're agreeing to, Dean?" Castiel asked, turning fully towards him. "Once we do this-"
"It can't be undone. I get it," Dean said. He smiled thinly. "You saw my soul when you dragged me out of the Pit. You put me back together. This can't be any worse than that."
Castiel might have felt hurt if he couldn't sense that Dean's attitude stemmed from his apprehension. He nodded. Dean breathed in deeply, steeling himself.
"All right, let's do this," he said. Five words, delivered so flippantly, yet they changed everything.
Cas would have asked Dean again if he was certain, if he truly understood, but he didn’t want to patronize him. Or worse, convince him to change his mind.
"Very well," Castiel said, wondering if he dared reach out physically to Dean. The hunter had made no move to touch him nor had he indicated that he wanted their joining to be in body as well as in spirit, despite his initial lust at the idea of 'freaky angel sex'. Castiel compromised, reaching out with both hands to cup Dean's face. "Close your eyes."
Dean's next breath in was shaky, but he did as he was told. Castiel kept his own eyes open and he reached for Dean with his Grace.
On to 8.2 (END)