Another week begins...
I'm sick of being responsible. I'm sick of helping others. I'm often the youngest person in the room at anything I organise - but I'm the one with the most responsibility. And what I have been doing is being taken over by self-absorbed `positive-thinking' (this is different to naturally happy, positive people - they do not take it personally if others aren't happy or positive - they don't try and convert them. They don't regard someone else's distress as that person's failure as a human being and browbeat or bully them into denying it.) cultists, so afraid of looking deep and seeing what is really happening. Theirs is the only way of being, and they will not allow that other people have experienced life differently. The apologists, the deniers. The woman who was sexually abused by her father and contracted gonorrhea at age four, with a mother who would keep her home from school to look after the younger children, then would beat her over the head with a shoe if the younger ones made a noise. : "My parents adored me, I adore my parents." The woman whose father attempted to kill her at least three times as a child, whose family forced her to practice walking for hours before they went out so she wouldn't make them look bad due to having a disability, who now sees herself as representing the disability community, but insists that she doesn't think of herself as disabled - but still thinks able-bodied people should be given stickers to reward them for `helping' people with disabilities. These women and more who constantly tell me how `negative' I am, because I insist on there being room for our pain and sadness, our abuse and neglect, because I call these things what they are and don't believe that people who do these things to other people, to their children really do love them. I am `negative' because I refuse to abandon my peers who have been abused and neglected to bullshit victim-blaming `positive thinking'. I am `negative' because I struggle to give voice to these and other horrors, to tell it straight, not to soft-soap reality, to demand that what is done to us behind closed doors is acknowledged and condemned.
They have worn me down, down, down. I have tripped and fallen headfirst into the rabbit-hole. Shadowed by lies, denial, betrayal. What I had a vision of has gone sour, breaking down has allowed these poisons in, and I don't know if I'm strong enough yet (any more) to fight it. I am fighting on all fronts and my own demons still batter me down daily. And the only thing I still know for sure is that I'm doing this alone, people who will support me in private will not speak out with me in public. They moderate their justified rage out of fear and desire for normality. I understand why. But I'm sick of understanding why people betray themselves, each other, me. 'Safety in numbers". But there is no safety when you are left in front to fight and everyone else has bolted. Fear, yes, they are scared, but so am I, scared every minute of every day, and it's still not a good reason to abandon what is real, what is right.
They have worn me down, down, down. I have tripped and fallen headfirst into the rabbit-hole. Shadowed by lies, denial, betrayal. What I had a vision of has gone sour, breaking down has allowed these poisons in, and I don't know if I'm strong enough yet (any more) to fight it. I am fighting on all fronts and my own demons still batter me down daily. And the only thing I still know for sure is that I'm doing this alone, people who will support me in private will not speak out with me in public. They moderate their justified rage out of fear and desire for normality. I understand why. But I'm sick of understanding why people betray themselves, each other, me. 'Safety in numbers". But there is no safety when you are left in front to fight and everyone else has bolted. Fear, yes, they are scared, but so am I, scared every minute of every day, and it's still not a good reason to abandon what is real, what is right.