(Untitled)

[ncp]

A married couple has one child, who is a toddler. Both parents love the child, who is as well-behaved as a toddler can be, and is generally well-adjusted and well-loved.

One spouse wants to add to the family very, very badly. The other spouse does not, and keeps avoiding any serious discussion of why not.

What should the first parent do, if

Comments

[ncp]

Shouldn't the partner respect the first parent's feelings and talk about why they do not want another kid?

[ncp]

Well, what if the discussions have gone like this:

Partner A; "I want more kids, because A, B, C reasons. I've really thought about this and I feel very strongly about it. What do you think?"
Partner B: "No."

[lisasimpsonfan]

Respect their partner and drop the issue. Maybe try bringing it up again in a few months when the other person might have changed their mind.

[ncp]

How can the other person change their mind if they never think about the topic unless the partner brings it up?

[l0verlada]

Husband and I discussed this before getting married to avoid this situation. I think they would both have to sit down and have a serious discussion and lay out reasons to and to not and see why they feel that way.

[_otravez]

My husband and I discussed things like this before getting married to avoid situations like this as well... but guess what? A few years later, we BOTH changed our minds. Crazier things have happened :P

[l0verlada]

Eh, it's a precautionary measure :P OP doesn't say much about the situation. I don't know about anyone else but having (multiple) kids was and is a big thing for me and it was very important hubby had the same viewpoint. If things change, they change. That's why it's important to talk about the reasons for feeling that way imo.

[thelilyqueen]

It's a tough question, because there's little room to compromise. A kid can't be kept in one parent's home office. My general feeling is that couples should err on the side of NOT having kids, if both parties aren't enthusiastic, since being unwanted can have some serious consequences for a kid. I would hope the second parent would explain their feelings, but 'I don't want to' is every bit as valid a reason in my book as 'we can't afford to' or 'it's medically dangerous'. That's not the case with everyone.

As for what the first parent should do... they need to decide what's most important to them. The relationship or having another child.

[omni_videns]

being unwanted can have some serious consequences for a kid.

YES. I don't know why some people believe otherwise. It's tragic to think of a child being unwanted, but it happens all the damn time.

[thelilyqueen]

Yup. And, sure, there are people who didn't want kids who come around when the baby's born/reaches a certain age/whatever, but I wouldn't want to stake another human being's emotional life on it.

[politicking]

Agreed. My cousin went through this. She was raised as an only child by her mother, who apparently didn't really care to ever have children, and only did it to please her husband... yeah, my cousin had the most horrible childhood and ended up becoming emancipated and leaving home at 16.

Not saying that's what always happens, of course. Just a first hand experience seeing what can happen in those situations.

[_otravez]

For me, I would not want to have a child with someone who didn't want the child. Regardless of whether we had a child already or not. My husband and I talked about this before we got married, but guess what? People change their minds. We were both dead set on only having one child, and still felt that way after I had my daughter. 18 months later, we're planning on a second one. Who knows what the future holds? Who knows how we will feel in a few years?

If I was the spouse who wanted to add a child, I would just wait and bring it up later. I would let my husband know that I really want to add to our family, and ask him why he was so against it. I would just try to see his side. I would not try to "oops" him, or get pregnant against his wishes, because I would be furious if someone did that to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't respect my wishes.