(no subject)
i broke down at work. i was fine and all of a sudden just couldn't take anything anymore. started crying. and said i had gotten something in my eye. i don't like it at all. the front i put on to make it seem like everything is exactly the way i want it isn't holding up. The ONE thing i want i should not and will not put through the hell of me. i won't drag it down when it can do so much better without me. i fucked up. it was my fault. every last bit of it. everything that was ever broken. everything that could have been fixed with the right amount of glue and some time. i just couldn't wait. it is like when you are painting a model. you just put the last coat of paint on and perfection is only an hour away. all you have to do is wait. not only for that hour. but maybe an hour and a half. but you try to take a shortcut. (put a fan on it) maybe it will dry faster? 45 minutes pass and your impatient self can't help but to touch it to see if it is dry. you do. not in a spot that could easily be touched up. but right in the middle of the hood. it is ruined. you didn't wait long enough and now you have wasted all of your hard work and efforts just to get the instant satisfaction that would be finishing the model. that is me. the ever so eager one to just get it done. don't wait it will all be right. time fixes everything? no, time can only make some things worse. if it isnt taken care of. then what will we do with the ever-strengthening bond of what time makes worse? if the flaws and the characteristics most noticable and vivid to the imagination are not fixed or mended. the final product will be as tainted as the unfinished product. i screwed up. i didn't fix the flaws or mend the breaks in the heart and soul of the model. i thought the ever so gracious touch of a fine toothed brush would wipe away or cover the flaws. it didn't. after screwing up so bad. and letting time set in and harden the paintjob that i was too stubborn to do right the first time. the only thing to do is start over. with everything. wash the paintbrush. blow off the workspace. strip the model down to the bare skeletal existance is was when i first got it. then start over,. now is to hope that the model will let me try to fix it.? is there anything i can do to maybe smoothe out the rough edges? yes. but if the model like any human being doesn't want you to fix it or help it. it won't. you will break through the moldings and put a hole in the model. and i fear that is what i have done. not only have i put a hole in the model. i have created an emptiness inside myself that knows no boundary and feels as though it will consume me until i have no chance, no hope, nor will-power to pull through. i only have one thing that i can really do. nothing.