Stick a Fork in Me, I am Done
Alright,
In one hour I would have successfully made it 24 hours without crying my little eyes out over this stupid breakup issue. Well, actually, that isn't true... I started at 9pm last night, didnt finish until about, oh say, 10-11pm. Ok, so 1-3 hours. I am determined to make it. Yesterday I missed it by 60 minutes. What can I say, my heart is broken.
But enough of this stupid sentimental girly shit nonsense. I am so tired of feeling awful for fucking up 2 relationships, although the 1st one wasnt really my fault, but that depends on who you ask and what rumors and perceptions and shitty ideas about me you want to believe. Bitch or no bitch, I am still tired. I refuse to feel horrible any longer. Everything is said and done and I am moving on.
I am thru being dependent on stupid fucking boyfriends, and thru with neglecting the friends that truly matter. Now, while I am cursing, which is my right to do by the way, I must say the ex and I are trying to be friends. Just friends. Now for those of you who know me, which is about 2 people, you will know how incredibly physical of a person I can be, ah hell I am. And for those of you who don't, well then you missed out on some incredible drama related to the physicality and sexuality of relationships. And by sexuality, I do not mean intercourse, however, the things I have done, and the way I feel about them, and the way stupid Jerome Hendrix feels about them, (sorry I am still bitter for you giving me that rotten peutrid advice at 1am after well you know what happened), it may have well been.
Anywho I digress, no more kissing the ex bf, no more wishing I was with him, no more eating to keep from crying (I think in about 2 more days I will officially be a hot air balloon), no more crying over who the hell knows what, no more bull shit. I am going to concentrate on myself. I am going to move on to well, I am not going to move on to new boys.
I am going to change from this moment forward, no more feeling like I have to do something in order to please the other person, no more doing physical things past what I am comfortable with (thus meaning w/e I can do and not cry for 4 hours after is sufficient), no more flirting, no more boys. Nothing. I am finished.
I do not need a boyfriend. I do not want a boyfriend. I am not experimenting with another lifestyle in case you all were stupid and close-minded enough to assume so. I am not looking for a fuck-buddy, or an almost fuck-buddy. I am finished. I just need to be by myself so I can work out my shit. And believe me there is sooo much shit to work out, ask Jerome or the ex's or Weikels.
I love Weikels, I mean that guy has just been there for me, and boy was he there when all the shit hit the fan with almost every guy that meant anything. Not to mention I do not think I have ever cried on the phone to anyone more than him. And by cry I mean cry to the point where no words come out of the mouth... just pure bawling. And by more than anyone I mean 3x now. Matt, that stupid fucker, the 1st time Jon said he was leaving me, and this breakup. Oh and speaking of meaning something, I have let go of a guy finally, who I have come to realize meant nothing to me, but contributed to the many issues I have with the male gender.
Oh and I love Jerome too, even though sometimes I think his gf doesnt like me, but then again that is just me being paranoid and could potentially lead to fucking up a good friendship. So I am done thinking your gf hates me. And even though I am still a bit bitter of that "advice" you still are an awesome friend.
And I could not forget the man who rox my sox, and the only person who still talks to me, besides Jerome, in that little circle of well I will be nice and just bite my tongue and say "people". But Jerome was there before I met any of you "people" and I was there before he even knew any of you. And look, he still talks to me, could it be because he isnt judgmental and didnt listen to just one side of a fucking story... hmmm... maybe, maybe not. Just remember that.
I digress, Lenny Leonard is by far the coolest one of the "people" around. I cannot believe that this guy listens to the shit that comes out of my mouth. How immature it must sound. Well, I have grown up yet again.
I do not need a man to be happy, and I refuse to believe that the people who do not care about me matter in my life. I also refuse to listen to anyone's opinions other than my own. My own opinions are the only ones that matter in my life... why you may ask... bc in the end... when all is said and done... i have to answer to myself (and God, but He cannot really express His opinion directly).... I have to be ok with the decisions I make.... so why would I listen to someone else and fuck it all up... when I can listen to myself, fuck it up, and only have myself to blame for not being wiser, move on, and go from there. Listening to other ppl makes you regret them and yourself for listening to them when things go wrong... making wrong decisions means you cut the blame in 1/2... blame yourself only, and move on.
Well my brain hurts... oh and no more cursing after 12am tonite. I just had to get it all out of my system.... it will be back to butt, flippin, snap, and w/e other clean words I can come up with.
I am done.
In one hour I would have successfully made it 24 hours without crying my little eyes out over this stupid breakup issue. Well, actually, that isn't true... I started at 9pm last night, didnt finish until about, oh say, 10-11pm. Ok, so 1-3 hours. I am determined to make it. Yesterday I missed it by 60 minutes. What can I say, my heart is broken.
But enough of this stupid sentimental girly shit nonsense. I am so tired of feeling awful for fucking up 2 relationships, although the 1st one wasnt really my fault, but that depends on who you ask and what rumors and perceptions and shitty ideas about me you want to believe. Bitch or no bitch, I am still tired. I refuse to feel horrible any longer. Everything is said and done and I am moving on.
I am thru being dependent on stupid fucking boyfriends, and thru with neglecting the friends that truly matter. Now, while I am cursing, which is my right to do by the way, I must say the ex and I are trying to be friends. Just friends. Now for those of you who know me, which is about 2 people, you will know how incredibly physical of a person I can be, ah hell I am. And for those of you who don't, well then you missed out on some incredible drama related to the physicality and sexuality of relationships. And by sexuality, I do not mean intercourse, however, the things I have done, and the way I feel about them, and the way stupid Jerome Hendrix feels about them, (sorry I am still bitter for you giving me that rotten peutrid advice at 1am after well you know what happened), it may have well been.
Anywho I digress, no more kissing the ex bf, no more wishing I was with him, no more eating to keep from crying (I think in about 2 more days I will officially be a hot air balloon), no more crying over who the hell knows what, no more bull shit. I am going to concentrate on myself. I am going to move on to well, I am not going to move on to new boys.
I am going to change from this moment forward, no more feeling like I have to do something in order to please the other person, no more doing physical things past what I am comfortable with (thus meaning w/e I can do and not cry for 4 hours after is sufficient), no more flirting, no more boys. Nothing. I am finished.
I do not need a boyfriend. I do not want a boyfriend. I am not experimenting with another lifestyle in case you all were stupid and close-minded enough to assume so. I am not looking for a fuck-buddy, or an almost fuck-buddy. I am finished. I just need to be by myself so I can work out my shit. And believe me there is sooo much shit to work out, ask Jerome or the ex's or Weikels.
I love Weikels, I mean that guy has just been there for me, and boy was he there when all the shit hit the fan with almost every guy that meant anything. Not to mention I do not think I have ever cried on the phone to anyone more than him. And by cry I mean cry to the point where no words come out of the mouth... just pure bawling. And by more than anyone I mean 3x now. Matt, that stupid fucker, the 1st time Jon said he was leaving me, and this breakup. Oh and speaking of meaning something, I have let go of a guy finally, who I have come to realize meant nothing to me, but contributed to the many issues I have with the male gender.
Oh and I love Jerome too, even though sometimes I think his gf doesnt like me, but then again that is just me being paranoid and could potentially lead to fucking up a good friendship. So I am done thinking your gf hates me. And even though I am still a bit bitter of that "advice" you still are an awesome friend.
And I could not forget the man who rox my sox, and the only person who still talks to me, besides Jerome, in that little circle of well I will be nice and just bite my tongue and say "people". But Jerome was there before I met any of you "people" and I was there before he even knew any of you. And look, he still talks to me, could it be because he isnt judgmental and didnt listen to just one side of a fucking story... hmmm... maybe, maybe not. Just remember that.
I digress, Lenny Leonard is by far the coolest one of the "people" around. I cannot believe that this guy listens to the shit that comes out of my mouth. How immature it must sound. Well, I have grown up yet again.
I do not need a man to be happy, and I refuse to believe that the people who do not care about me matter in my life. I also refuse to listen to anyone's opinions other than my own. My own opinions are the only ones that matter in my life... why you may ask... bc in the end... when all is said and done... i have to answer to myself (and God, but He cannot really express His opinion directly).... I have to be ok with the decisions I make.... so why would I listen to someone else and fuck it all up... when I can listen to myself, fuck it up, and only have myself to blame for not being wiser, move on, and go from there. Listening to other ppl makes you regret them and yourself for listening to them when things go wrong... making wrong decisions means you cut the blame in 1/2... blame yourself only, and move on.
Well my brain hurts... oh and no more cursing after 12am tonite. I just had to get it all out of my system.... it will be back to butt, flippin, snap, and w/e other clean words I can come up with.
I am done.