Mrs. W wants a word, so get in the bleedin' motor
[Int. BUCKINGHAM PALACE. DAY. THERESA MAY, visibly uneasy, stands in a lavishly-appointed DRAWING ROOM. There are PAINTINGS and DRAPES but no furniture other than a GOLDEN THRONE on a low DAIS]
THERESA MAY
(quietly, to self) Strong and stable, strong and stable, strang und stooble... gah!
[Suddenly a door bursts open and in strides THE QUEEN - crown, elaborate formal dress, camelhair coat - accompanied by two FOOTMEN - pleather jackets over full livery, black leather gloves, shades, periwigs]
THE QUEEN
Awright Tessa luv, don't stand about makin' va place look untidy, take a load orf!
[THERESA MAY looks at the THRONE and back to THE QUEEN]
THE QUEEN
Oh thass right you can't really, can you? Nah, 'cos I'd 'ave to cut your 'ead off w'unt I? Ahahahahaha!
[THE QUEEN laughs as if genuinely amused. THERESA MAY shuffles awkwardly but just about manages not to put her fingers up to her neckline nervously. THE QUEEN slumps down onto her THRONE]
THERESA MAY
Your Majesty...
THE QUEEN
Did these rude buggers not offer you a cuppa? Stone me, if my old mum - Gor blesser - were still 'ere, she'd kick their fackin' jacobs in for not offerin' a guest a cuppa char. You want a tea, Tess? Coffee? Somefink stronger? [She gestures to a FOOTMAN] Get the kettle on Errol, poor woman's got a nanny goat like the fackin' Sahara desert.
THERESA MAY
(clearing throat) No, I'm... I'm fine, Your Majesty. Perhaps we should... ah... you wanted to see me...
THE QUEEN
Straight dahn ta business, eh? I like that. Issa admirable trait in my eyes, that. Do you fink it's admirable, Theresa?
THERESA MAY
I uh... it's not really for me to say, Your Maj-
THE QUEEN
(suddenly serious; dead-eyed stare) No it's not, is it? It's for me to say.
[BRIEF SILENCE]
THE QUEEN
(equally sudden smile) Nah, I'm jast fackin' wiv yer! Nah, I wanted ta talk to ya about that fing we talked abaht larst time... when was that, Errol?
FOOTMAN 1
Ninfh o' June, guv.
[Irritated, THE QUEEN lifts one opera-gloved hand a clips FOOTMAN 1 around the ear, knocking his PERIWIG askew]
THE QUEEN
Not "guv"! "Your Majesty"!
FOOTMAN 1
Ninfh o' June, Your Maj.
THE QUEEN
Bettah! (to THERESA MAY) You came 'ere June ninfh, and you stood there right where you're stahndin' nah, and you said to me "Your Majesty, I 'umbly seek permission to form your government, only I ain't got enough geezers so I'm gonner 'ave ta borrer some off the lemon-bashers."
THERESA MAY
I don't think I said lemon-bashers...
THE QUEEN
No you probbly dint, but I 'ave the gist of it, right? I am broadly correct in my recollection of our larst dialogue, am I not?
THERESA MAY
Well yes, but...
THE QUEEN
(all smiles) Well there you are then! We're on ver same wavelength. We understahnd one anuvver! (smile vanishes) So where the fack is it?
THERESA MAY
Wh... what?
THE QUEEN
Where's my government wot you promised me? Where's my fackin' government, Theresa?
THERESA MAY
We're in negotiations...
THE QUEEN
I dint fackin' ask where you are, I asked where my fackin' government is! You deaf or somefink? You cam in 'ere on the...
FOOTMAN 1
Ninfh, Your Maj.
THE QUEEN
... Ninfh, still walkin' funny from the fackin' arse-kickin' you'd 'ad the night before, and you tell me you're puttin' a government togevva. I say "Alright." Then what happens? I don't get so much as a fackin'... Snapchat or wotevah it is vese days... for a week and I fink t' marself "Okay Liz, calm dahn, vese fings take time, Rome wasn't built in a day an' all that. She's gotta knock these fackin' Homepride-mascots-cosplayin'-as-Power-Rangers DUP barstards into shape, get everyfing ticketty-boo before she gets on va blower, innit?" Zat it? Zat abaht ver size of it, Tessa?
THERESA MAY
Well, I-
THE QUEEN
(interrupting) Now it's nearly anuvver fackin' week later and I don't seem to be any furver along! I'm s'posed to give a fackin' speech abaht wot mar government's gonna do vis year, and apparently not only do I not fackin' know wot ver gonna do, I don' even know who da cants are! Wot ver fack 'ave you been doing since you backed carefully aht of mar gaff on the eighth?
FOOTMAN 1
Ninfh, Your Maj.
THE QUEEN
Whatevah!
THERESA MAY
(deep breath) Well, the negotiations have been more difficult than predicted...
THE QUEEN
Oh I can fackin' see that! The DUP sayin' in public how fackin' shit your negotiatin' skills are! The fackin' DUP, a banch of cants 'oose entire fackin' vocabulary consists of the word "NO" bellowed frough an accent vat makes it sahnd like da matin' call of a fackin' bull moose... say that your boys can't fackin' negotiate! Issa good fackin' fing you've not picked a fackin' negotiation wiv all dem firms from the Continent, innit? Christ! Give 'em their due, them German and French slags are well fackin' tasty arahnd a boardroom table, and you carn even 'andle some banch of fackin' no-marks who fink it's still ver fackin' eighteenfh fackin' century? If they ever discover the fackin' wheel, we're all in fackin' trabble!
THERESA MAY
Look, we've still basically got the same ministers, with some additions...
THE QUEEN
(false bonhomie) Oh really? Do tell!
THERESA MAY
Well, Michael Gove is a Secretary for the Environment...
THE QUEEN
Michael Fackin' Gove? 'E wunt know an environment if it kicked 'im ap ve arse, which it probbly would 'cos Christ knows every uvver facker 'oo ever met 'im wannid to! Not to mention 'e's 'alf the fackin' reason you're in this fackin' mess wiv ver fackin' EU! 'Ow the fack did you not assign 'im to a prestigious post at ver bottom ovva fackin' silage pit ahtside Rainham last time 'e fackin' crossed yer?
THERESA MAY
(outwardly calm, but eyes closed) Boris Johnson is still at the Foreign Ministry...
THE QUEEN
ARE YOU 'AVIN' A GIRAFFE? Anuvver cant you can't fackin' trust ter find 'is dick wiv bofe 'ands anna search party, but 'oo you also can't fackin' trust not to turn into Jack ver fackin' Ripper if you ever turn your fackin' back on 'im? Fack me gel, useless-but-loyal I can annerstand, an' competent-but-gotta-watch-'em, but 'ow the fack did you end ap wiv ver worst of both worlds? Didjoo kick a black cat on ver way in 'ere? Offend an old gypsy lady? Break a shitload of mirrors? What?
THERESA MAY
Basically nothing has changed... if you'd just calm down, I could-
THE QUEEN
(leaping from THRONE in rage) DO WHAT YOU CANT?! DO WHAT? I'LL SHOW YOU FACKIN' CALM IN A FACKIN' MINUTE - DEAD FACKIN' CALM, GEL! YOU'VE PISSED ON YOUR CHIPS IN FRONT OF VE 'OLE FACKIN' WORLD AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO CALM DAHN? YOU'RE MAKIN' ME LOOK LIKE A FACKIN' MUG! GOVERNMENT OF VER TALENTS, YOU 'AVEN'T EVEN GOT VER GOVERNMENT OF TWO BRAIN-CELLS TO RUB TAGEVVA!
[TWO MORE FOOTMEN enter, carrying an ornate GILDED LOUIS QUINZE TABLE covered in ANTIQUES, JEWELLED ORNAMENTS, FABERGE EGGS ETC, which they place in front of THE QUEEN. She immediately FLIPS IT]
THE QUEEN
FAAAAAAAACCCCCK!
[THERESA MAY stands stock still, eyes closed, wincing as PRICELESS ARTWORKS smash on the FLOOR all around her]
THE QUEEN
(calming; to FOOTMEN) Get her aht of mar fackin' sight before I cam over all Henry Eigtf on 'er.
FOOTMAN 2
I dan't know vat one, boss... Yer Maj.
THE QUEEN
Iss not rhyming slang you twat, issa fackin'... 'istorical reference, innit!
[THERESA MAY is dragged away]
THE QUEEN
(calling after her) Get me a proper fackin' government, RIGHT NAH!
[She LOOKS AROUND]
THE QUEEN
And get someone in 'ere wiv a fackin' broom, will yer? (mutters) Like a fackin' pigsty.